Context for Connectivity

Disasters and why we write - my version

2011-03-15T13:32:00.000-07:00

I find that I am drawn to watching the videos, reading the reports and scanning the headlines about Japan. It holds this macabre fascination and reminds me over and over that it is real and I am graced merely by the fact that it hasn't happened here (yet...). As the reports of imminent nuclear meltdowns race round and round this little world of ours, it is obvious that disaster is a wayward wind away. And the fact that the earth didn't rumble and shake here is no guarantee that we won't share the same repercussions.

So, I am then drawn to writing, to exorcising the thoughts and fears in my head. While my words lack the wonderful grace of my friend Ruth, I am clear that they will be helpful, at least to me. I have the assignment in one of my classes (school, oh, school - thank the heavens that I have this marvelous place to be and be thinking and thoughtful and active and in discussions that are thought-provoking and all that...) to write a reflective journal about my learning each week. Aside of the fact that I am fascinated by the instructor and feel so inspired and rewarded to be in his class, this assignment alone has made the difference in my education.

Yesterday I was pondering the idea that the whole world will not be recognizable in a very few years. Now, this whole crisis unfolding in Japan is no doubt a piece of the travels that my mind has been travelling but several of the paths that I have been mentally wandering down have a similar theme. Life as we know it is changing. I think we all agree on that. How much and how radical the changes will be is a matter of debate. But if we are not sustained by an economy that operates in this familiar way, if we can no longer count on bananas from Ecuador, if all the education and experience of a lifetime won't guarantee you a paying job, then what the heck are we going to do?

We watched an amazing TED talk video in class yesterday. Deborah Gordon on the complex systems of ants. It relates to our Organizational Behaviour class and organizational design. However, one of the most fascinating parts for me was a revelation about a part of the ant colony that is apparently always at rest. They have no jobs, they go nowhere, they are there to be called upon when needed. In a time of crisis in the ant colony they take on whatever role is necessary and they never return to their resting space. They are the reserves. I am pretty certain we no longer have "reserves" in our modern world. We don't have the resources to keep whole groups of people taken care of in case we need them. It doesn't matter that it would be incredibly useful to have fresh individuals, prepared for whatever was asked of them waiting for the call, we have used them all up in the demands of everyday life.

Our leisure time is full, our work lives are frantic, the demands upon us to keep producing, consuming, moving are never ending. And all it takes (all?!) is one natural disaster for us to realize that Gaia doesn't care about any of that. When it comes right down to it - how are you going to stay alive? How are you going to help your neighbour and family to do the same? Where are those reserves when you need them?

Like the ants in protection of their nest, we need all the possible resources to combat the disaster that our fellow humans in Japan are experiencing right now. Because of the nature of the disaster, we may need our own resources to combat the effects of that catastrophe here at home. And yet we are so ill-prepared. And I don't mean the earthquake kits we may or may not have in our closets or the potassium iodine tablets we keep, in case. We will need to call upon energies and stores of love and compassion that are not commonly used.

I have come to the conclusion that the end of the world as foretold in the Mayan calendar is not simply the physical challenges we are facing. We will need to be willing to accept a world that doesn't work the same way that we have been used for thousands of years. Money, work, ownership of objects will not have the same significance and measure of success we have grown up understanding. While I am certainly not an expert on what is to come, I am willing to prepare as best I can for something unpredictable. The contradictory nature of that sentence is intended as this will not be a world we can navigate with the same tools.

Like many people, I do some of my best work when my back is up against the deadline. I think this earthquake in Japan is a clear reminder that the deadline is in sight. Time to focus on where we each have an internal reserve and how best to nurture it right now. For the time to call in the reserves is coming soon!

i thank you god for this most amazing day

2011-01-25T19:34:00.000-08:00

I have been burning to write, which is an unusual circumstance but I have much to share and different perspectives to view the world from. The challenge now is time and how to best make use of each minute. I have decided that this is good use of a few of them!

I have such contrast in my life right now and it is in the ability to dwell in different realms that I am seeing insights and gaining a foothold in climbing the metaphorical mountain in front of me. Today, I wore the hat of sales and marketing in a small company, whose mission of engaging people in their own health and well-being calls to my vision of business. Yesterday, I spent the day at college (an experience which has blogs and blogs worth of material), with my mostly twenty-something and under fellow students, practicing my beginner mind and absorbing material that will assist me by adding education and credibility to my vision of shifting the world of business. Last week, I spent several hours on an on-line conference with a collaborative group of entrepreneurs, committed to sharing strategy, people development and coaching with leaders of organizations. The woman who leads this group continuously inspires me and has declared her willingness and support of me being completely involved in her venture. Am I blessed, or what?!

And, I get to be wife, mother, daughter, grandmother, sister and friend to a circle of humans that I completely adore. My days are full and busy, I have to carefully schedule my days to avoid double booking and I feel so alive and grateful.

And tired... sometimes it all just sweeps over me and I am left in the wake of the huge wave, gasping for air and trying to figure out which way is up. I have to say that I have not taken on endless work into the wee hours of the morning as I used to in my 30's, but thankfully I have gained a little wisdom over the years. I know full well that is not sustainable and I have a 2 year program to complete at college and most of the ventures I am working on are at the early stages of their development so burning out before the spring would be less than useful.

There are more thoughts to share, more situations to describe, more ponderings on grandmother-ing my darling Kai, but there is also a research proposal to write, a bio to complete, a chapter or two to read and absorb, several (okay more than a several..) emails to respond to and some time to curl up with my sweetie before the night is done.

as e.e. cummings wrote:

I thank you God for most this amazing day
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and the blue dream of sky
and for everything which is natural
which is infinite
which is yes

Now what?!

2010-11-29T11:37:00.000-08:00

I have been contemplating left turns, 180 degree shifts, outside "the box" and the road not taken this past month. While it seems as though I have been in some degree of turmoil or another for months (no home, no job, no money), it really has only been 2 months since my world shifted significantly. Today, as I am about to commit to a 2 year post secondary program (the first in my life I am almost ashamed to say), I am once again pondering how best to honour one's instincts. Actually, that is a cop-out; I am really just getting shift-y and scared about taking on something that I have always said I wanted to do and now I have to put my money (or rather Student Aid's money) where my mouth is and jump in.

I am in the process of writing an essay in application for a scholarship specifically for women taking on a college education "later in life". Yes, that is me. Thirty six years ago, a fresh faced, "cookies and milk" girl from Calgary completed high school and considering a degree in social work, worked as a long distance operator and lived at home, dreaming of travel to castles in England. Along came an exciting, older man who, while not exactly sweeping her off her feet, did provide a perfect exit to the first family life. Moving to the west coast, marrying, birthing children, working, running businesses - just life - filled the next 35 years. Each time that the idea of college or university came up there was always another priority, a more important consideration and the thought passed by, the current catalogue of classes became out of date and eventually recycled.

Now, (it seems - I am still hedging my bets and feeling uncertain) is the perfect time to go back to school. I am not in the midst of an exciting, upwardly mobile career, my children are grown and self sustaining, my mom's health is stable, my husband is at home in a semi-retired state and I ain't got nothin' to lose and everything to gain! I have chosen a two year program in HR Management which could lead to a degree program or further education and will provide me with a diploma and education to provide credibility to my own natural abilities. I have always loved being in training and even loved the challenge of studying for my real estate license. So, you may ask, what is going on today??

Well, the "what-if's" are picking away in my brain, although, even as I type this, I can see how weak that sounds. The money comes up as it looks as though I am mortgaging my future (you got something better to invest in??). The Student Aid is so measly that no human being could live on it (that is why you keep your part time work and continue to build more flexible options and HELLO, aren't you a coach? Coaching does not require a regular schedule.). And, okay, if we dig down a layer or two, I am just plain scared. What if I go to school for 2 years, complete the program and still can't find a job that I love? What if I am a terrible student and completely incompetent? What if I can't find my way around a campus and feel like an idiot? What will the other students think of me being in post-secondary school for the first time at 53 years old? Like I said, the what-if's are prolific and the wonder of transcribing this all down on the bright little screen is that I can answer them all with "so-what's"!

Since I actually took the step to inquire about the program, received information and started to complete what is necessary, I have held out that if the perfect job opportunity presented itself that I would take that. In fact, it became that if any fulltime job came up that I would probably jump at it as money has been squeaky tight this past number of weeks. No such alternatives have presented themselves and the patchwork quilt of options continues as the best coverage that I can create. So... I will be heading off to the college tomorrow morning and paying my fees so that I can register for classes to start in January! There, I have said it out loud and in public.

The next adventure awaits....

This is becoming boring...

2010-11-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

Someone suggested to me last night that I approach this time of no work as a holiday. It startled me and my reactions were pretty defensive ("You clearly don't get it; I don't have a JOB or any MONEY. How could I take a holiday now?! That would be completely irresponsible, etc, etc..."). However, it did give me pause to consider how I approach times of challenge.

Now, I am of the opinion that I have had quite enough challenges this year but clearly the Universe is not done with me on this one yet. And I have no fracking control over it at all, which drives me 18 shades of crazy. My desire to assert my influence on this circumstance is overwhelming. I. need. to. make. it. work!

Unh, uh (or however you type the negative form of Uh, huh, to indicate in typing the shaking of one's head...). Nope, not, nyet, nein, NO! I have no ability to consciously force this to go my way. That is not to say that I am not fully engaged in job-seeking, because I am. I spend hours each day exploring options, opportunities, applying for positions, researching organizations, figuring out who to talk to, finding people of influence in my circle and beyond - I am at work, finding work, just like "they" tell you to be. Never, in my life, have I worked so hard to find work and been (as yet) unsuccessful. Well, that is not entirely true - I have secured 2 days a week, for a third less per hour than they originally promised me at my interview, which covers about 40% of my monthly expenses...

I get it - this is a sign of the times, the cracks in the economy showing just how broken it all is and we are in a "recession" after all. And, I know that I am older than I was last time I took on a project like this and like one kind person who actually sent me an email to tell me I had not made the first cut said, "I have received over 350 applications for this position", when I asked why my combination of experience and skills, that seemed perfect, had not even made it to the first interview stage. There are a lot of people out there, like me, looking for work.

But, this is getting tiresome. I want to think that I have some power in this. I want to believe that my shiny, positive attitude will prevail. I want to consider that my commitment to people and making a difference will pay off with a great opportunity. I want to keep on having faith in it all working out.

And I am somewhat frustrated and notice a degree of (yes, I will say it) fear present in my head each morning. A wise friend suggested I take a look at the worst case scenario, work out a solution and let go of the fear. Great idea. And I have done that - I know what my 'back pocket' plan is. I just don't want to have to pull it out and to be straight, I am not ready to do that yet. Knowing it is there is worthwhile.

So, I will carry on today. I have calls to make with requests for ideas and assistance. I am present to and appreciating the glorious sunshine and this beautiful fall day. I will take some time and walk by the ocean and visit my daughter and I did sleep in this morning. That makes it kind of like a holiday, doesn't it? I am sure that when I am busy working/occupied in a paid circumstance that I will look back on this like a time of leisure.

Play it again, Sam... Letting Go...

2010-10-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

In an unexpected moment of appreciation for the current state of affairs of my life, I am relishing my given quest for the year 2010 and am once again "Letting Go". (I think there is a "Trust the Universe" edict in here too somewhere, but that part is not apparent to me yet).

   - Letting go of the "graceful" transition from a paid position that I had been counting on to a self generated income stream.
     - Letting go of how it is "supposed" to look to be generating that income stream.
   - Letting go of an idea that I am somehow at "fault" for not having immediately stepped into fabulous financial freedom.
     - Letting go of the second guessing (what if I had stayed at that last position - the one before the last one??).
   - Letting go of feeling guilty for taking the time, when it presents itself, to be working on me - my writing, my connections.
   - Letting go that I have any fracking control over the Universe and continuing to generate ideas, thoughts, possibilities and job applications without loss of enthusiasm.

I have never experienced a challenge in my life that I did not appreciate in some way later. I guess I will have become enlightened when I can appreciate it in the moment. So, today, I am dwelling on what the lesson of this time will be when I get to review it from the more generous 20/20 hindsight perspective.

And the other questions that comes up is: what am I resisting? Now, I am aware that this is one of those giant, looping questions which may never resolve itself or provide much value in the considerations - so I just mention it in passing.

Feels harder to be trusting of the outcome today than it was a month ago, but here I am putting my fondest dreams out there again - creating a patchwork of circumstances that will be the quilt of income/money for the winter and building towards a marvelous future.

As a dear friend of mine used to say "Might as well... can't dance, ain't got a ticket". Carry on!

One of "those" people...

2010-09-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

*photo credit to NiMal.13

This has been an interesting month - as in the phrase purportedly used a Chinese curse (Google makes an honest woman of me - can't mis-credit quotes anymore). Yeah, I don't need too many more "interesting" months like that in my life.

I am viewing all of this as the Universe testing me, to see if I truly believe that blithely spoken "trust the Universe" that I have been on about all year. Kind of in the same way that teenagers test the boundaries to find out if their parents still love them. ("Let's see, I have crashed the car, failed an exam and stayed out all night - how do you like me now?") Once again, enough already...

Last night was a particularly sleepless night. I was wrestling with all my fears, worries, anxieties about my situation and a niggling concern about giant spiders sharing my pillow (this is not unfounded; less than a month ago a humungous ugly spider was sitting right on my pillowcase, waiting for me when I pulled down the covers to climb into bed. To my credit, I scooped him up in a glass with a card, carried him a long ways down the block away from my house and told him to tell his buddies never to darken my bed again, thus, earning "spider karma" which should prevent any of his/her kind biting me. Okay, that part might be unfounded).

I digress (not enough sleep). In my restive state (which doesn't mean well rested, although it looks like it should), I called upon my Higher Being and Council of Elders that reside in my sub-conscious and asked how I should be handling this current state of affairs (no job, no money... well, not exactly, but close enough) and received some interesting insights:

   1) In my declared statement of who I am (I will save the details of this for another post), I have said that I "call forth the integrity". Integrity as defined by some on-line dictionary (thank you again, my friends at Google) as the state of being, whole, entire or undiminished. That state of undiminished has not been my state of residence this month. I have felt distinctly diminished and according to the the Wise Ones, "get over it"!
     2) I don't need to be the counter effect for the bad stuff in the world - or for the people who talk about how crappy it is all the time. Not my job. Wisdom of the Circle - "Stop resisting the way other people are - that is their stuff. If you spend all your energy trying to balance that in the world, you have none left for your own forward momentum."
     3) The tide will turn today (mostly because that makes a lovely alliteration - "the tide will turn on Friday" has not nearly such an uplifting lilt). Today, the opportunities will present themselves and if this is not immediately apparent it is because I am not "trusting the Universe".
   4) I have spent the majority of my life presuming that there are other people, "those" people, who have the luck, auspicious birthright, financial advantage, smarts or guts to be the winners of the world (cue Steely Dan - "I want a name when I lose...") and I am not in that group of the chosen folk. Last night I wondered what it would be like if I was. What if I truly was living this miraculous life that I have spoken of and here is the evidence. (I am sitting in front of my little laptop, linked to the internet by a wireless connection, gazing out the window at the sun on the house next door, food in the fridge, money in the bank {albeit not a whole bunch} and the time and opportunity to pause and consider what is next in this curious life). How would I view my life if I really considered that I was one of the fortunate ones? (shifted my world just a smidgen).
     5) I prefer not to spend my night discussing the state of the Universe with the Elders but once in a while can find the value in it.

This morning, although I notice a certain fatigue, I am in a different state of mind (perhaps province of intention is more accurate). I have not yet gained mastery in this new environment of wisdom but there is a lightness of being today.

My faith is back.

Passages, changes, motion...

2010-08-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

How did this month slip by so unnoticed? It was full of people and visits, barbecues and summer walks. There was time in gardens and on lawns, decks and patios. There was chasing and being chased by a delightfully active crawling creature who continues to capture more of my heart. There was wine and fabulous home cooked meals. The time was appreciated if not remarked upon! Summer... ahhhh....

This week as we move into the last week of August, the sense of the season shifting is all around me. This is the time when I find I have to manage my expectations, practice letting go of another summer and welcoming the changes coming this fall.

The wheel is turning again and this fall I will be creating and engineering my own future, my own business, my own connections without the safety net of a regular paycheque. It is not that I haven't considered the option of being employed, it is that only one of my applications for paid positions resulted in an interview, much less a job offer. Oh, except that nice man from craigslist who offered not only to hire me without as much as a phone interview but send me a laptop, printer and "electric keyboard" (?!). Let's just say, I took that one with a grain of salt and deleted my address from my website, in case he was also the stalking kind of weirdo.

This week I was relishing my freedom from the 9 to 5 and had come to a place of real determination to keep the momentum going to have all the pieces fall into place to have sufficient paying work one month, two months and eventually 3 months in advance. I declared that I will continue to live a miraculous life with all the marvelous aspects of my days enhanced and enjoyed. I will keep finding the nice contact, next contract, next little piece of paid project work. I will keep on collaborating with colleagues whose ideas and thoughts intrigue and enliven me. I will be able to see the difference I am making and receive referrals and more opportunities to share what I do.

"Declare and fulfill" - this may be the mantra for this next piece of my life. This absolutely requires the continued practice of Trusting the Universe, but it has more activity involved. I face this time with tremendous certainty about being on the right path, at the right time and having the right people show up when needed.

Oh, and there are lots of backyard barbecues, bottles of wine and walks to the beach left to have before I am willing to admit that it is fall!

photo credit to Steadyjohn

Musings from weeding an overgrown garden

2010-07-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

Appreciating that there are no coincidences and the symmetry of the Universe is precise and perfect, it was no accident that I sat in a wildly overgrown garden, filled with thistles and weeds, looking for the tender, little carrots and beets that had been planted and neglected weeks ago. As I unconcealed the tender little shoots that would have been thriving vegetables had they been tended; each tough, old, prickly thistle that I ripped out was a victory.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have no ability to be aware of the cosmic metaphor when I am in it. When I was weeding in the dirt, I was weeding in the dirt (props to Dewitt Jones, Celebrating What is Right in the World). But at some point in the amazingly restful sleep my tired body needed, this came to me and I wondered where I need to "weed my garden"?! I am not going to get all sermon-y on you here as I have milked this metaphor sufficiently (milk-thistle - get it?! Sorry...), but in the time of change that I am in, I will take advantage of every insight I can gain.

For me, the most critical aspect of moving ahead when I am literally designing my life as I am living it, is to hold the possibility of a spectacularly successful outcome that I can look back on in a year or two and say "Yes!! That all worked out so well!". I am balancing that with the practical, looking for ways to take care of what is necessary this week, next week, next month so that I have sufficient means to continue and avoid a financially critical circumstance. Been there, done that - thank you. I have no need to replay that experience to get the lesson!

Each time I sit in the dirt, weeding a garden - and, I just realized, for the first time in eons, I have had that opportunity in numerous gardens this summer - I am present to the wonderful simplicity of working with growing things. This seems the right place, to sing with John Denver, okay, everyone: "inch by inch, row by row"...

Oh, you are still reading?! I wondered if the segue to the Muppets might have been a little too much. But seriously, what I am left with is my desire to just putter in my garden, play for hours with my magical grandson and have amazing and life altering conversations. My interest in working really hard to get ahead to some undescribed destination is very limited. I want enough money to take care of myself and my loved ones but I have discovered that my needs are quite simple.

This allows for some freedom from the fear that grips me some days. Having stepped out onto the entrepreneurial edge a decade ago and falling right off into the abyss of bankruptcy (yes, it felt like that), I acknowledge my unsettledness in once again being solely responsible for my own income. I am keenly aware of the language that I use in describing this, knowing the power of my words. I am speaking of succeeding and ease and satisfyingly financial compensation for my efforts.

And I have had ten years to hone my abilities to accept and appreciate what is so. To be creative and imaginative in exploring opportunities. To be confident and bold in what I now provide in the world. To be declarative and intentional in my efforts. To ask for and accept the assistance I need. To collaborate and share the success and the work it takes to get there.

Ten years ago, I was sure I didn't have the time and I sure didn't have the interest in what it took to grow a garden filled with beautiful and nourishing plants. Now, I can't imagine any better place to hang out than among the bugs and soil!

out of the satisfied daze...

2010-07-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

Seems that there was something very satisfying in arriving here and just being in a city that is so familiar and beloved. My time was happily spent being near family and friends, exploring a new, yet old neighbourhood, walking streets that I used to walk 30 years ago when I lived nearby. I was happy just being here.

One must not become complacent seems to be the lesson as circumstances are shifting again and new challenges await. I awoke this morning, consciously holding the details of a dream where I had arrived into a position where I no longer had to worry about money. That my years of lists of expenses and income were a thing of the past and I could just relax and work and play without worry. I wanted to hang on to that sense of confidence and knowledge of having created the situation that I had been seeking for so long.

I determined a little while back that the measure of reaching that milestone would be I would no longer have those carefully scribed post-it notes of figures in backs of notebooks, with either plus or minus signs to indicate whether I was winning or losing the game. I have done this since I can remember and with a few times of respite when the numbers seem to take care of themselves (or my earnings were more than sufficient to cover the costs), this has been a monthly ritual.

What becomes clear as I write this is the sacred importance I have placed on this ritual. It is no wonder that not much has actually shifted from this circumstance over the years given how faithful to this practice I have been.

Without the time to actually consider what else, I will not jump too quickly to another way of managing the money but in this clarity, I can see how I have not served my intention of abundance with a bi-weekly accounting of scarcity.

More thoughts to ponder - a new ritual to invent...

Landing with grace

2010-06-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

This week the tide turned. I could actually look around my suite and say "Yes, I am home!" I have had exquisite moments this past two weeks of pure pleasure at being back in the city that I adopted as my own when I was 18. The routes are familiar, the sights are welcome, the ocean smells marvelous and everywhere I go there is a good possibility of running into someone I know. I just love being here.

I have contemplated how different it is for me coming back to this city after almost 6 years. I have heard from many people how difficult it is to get "in" to the circles of influence here or even just find a friendly group of people to hang out with. I experienced something similar when I first arrived 35 years ago and only ever ventured out in my own little groups over that time. This time, as I consider where and what my business opportunities will be, I realized that I come back into this city with a bigger sense of myself than ever before. I no longer feel intimidated by the layers of wealth and influence that coat the social scenes here. I feel confident in the gifts and talents that I bring and welcome the chance to let others know about them.

I have a calm sense of ease here. I appreciate that there is good work being accomplished by dedicated people and I am ready to add my energy to those efforts. I am delighted to be able to offer my thoughts and listening abilities to the people I love here. I am absolutely tickled with the opportunities to drop in, pop over and check with the ones I love!

I am optimistic about the success of my business as a coach, working from this place. I really like that I have a room of my own which is my office and will be my refuge as I continue to create it and decorate it and set it up for just me.

I truly appreciate my cozy little space, not perfect, but everything has found a place, mostly! There is a range of wildlife that is not entirely welcome, from fleas to a rat that has been sighted several times in our front yard. We will deal with them as much as possible.

Over this summer, I will reaquaint myself with old connections and actively build new ones. I will consciously create a group of active, interested, like minded compadres. By the fall, I have declared I will be experiencing financial well-being and more business than I need, projects that sustain that and fascinate me to be working on.

I am extremely happy to be here!!

photo credit to Ngawangchodron

Moving on, with thanks...

2010-05-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

I am pausing in between packing boxes and organizing moving to give thanks for the time spent in my 'borrowed' home. As a typical human being, I developed a fascinating appreciation for where I am living only after arranging to move to somewhere else. This past week, I have been noting all the beautiful and wonderful aspects of this sunny piece of Maple Bay (well, that is a little Pollyanna of me - it has been raining buckets all week long...).

1) The fresh, almost edible, bright green growth on all the pine trees around me. The new ends of the branches are so soft and tender, as they push out into the little bits of sun.
2) The rain and cool spring weather has nurtured a fabulous batch of wild roses. I picked a tight little pink rosebud on my walk a couple of days ago and it greeted me this morning, fully spread out and gloriously fragrant.
3) The birds - there are so many friendly, curious birds around this house. The hummingbirds have been faithful companions all winter long at the feeder and the robins have been absolutely mad with their cheerful song at dawn and dusk. The crows have been playful and the ravens loud and cocky in their swoops past the house. There was a pair of majestic eagles and a whole flock of turkey vultures riding the thermals off the Bay.
4) Our walks which take us up and around the 'mountain' - past green and verdant farmers' fields and clearly meticulously managed little homes. We have watched the seasons pass as we walk along - from munching on the generous crop of blackberries last fall to urging the little green leaves to bust out this spring. The view of the Bay is always envigorating - the ocean giving us a show over and over again in the movement of the tide incoming or heading out.
5) The opportunity to work from a lovely home office. I have come to treasure my "commute" down the hall in my slippers. I love working from home. This house has served us well as a landing spot on Vancouver Island and a launching for the next phase of life.
6) Shifting my focus from business operations to coaching - this has been a time of accelerated growth and learning, facilitated by my boss/colleague/friend. She pushed me from the nest just as I was getting a little too comfortable and now it is time to fly. The year ahead stretches out with amazing possibility that was not on the horizon from our place in North Vancouver.
7) This strange house - it has such a fascinating history - mostly weird - somewhat of a legend in the neighbourhood. It now has changed hands again and will have new people and energy upstairs. It is my wish that the spirit that resides will find peace with the new residents too.

This has been the perfect time, being here. I have enjoyed the large, open space and sharing it with many people. We have had great parties and family gatherings, a memorable Christmas in the snow and a fabulous 60th birthday party for my beloved. We've watched the weather spread across the Bay and had the chance to swim in the usually freezing Pacific Ocean here on several hot, hot summer nights.

I have found that I would like to move back to this small and friendly community in the Valley. I would like to plant my roots here where the summers are hotter and winds calmer than elsewhere on the island. There is abundant water and still lots of room to spread out. This would be a fantastic place to call home again in a few years.

I am ready to move on and will have fond and warm memories of my time here.

Upon the occasion of the anniversary of the birth of my daughter

2010-05-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

27 years ago, right about now, I was blissing out in the sun streaming through the window of the birthing room at the 'new' VGH, with this perfect, little pink bundle in my arms, nursing contentedly. My daughter was born at 7:17 am on May 20th, arriving quickly after keeping us all waiting for 3 weeks past the due date. She was the first granddaughter born into a family of 10 grandsons and was showered with all the pink and fluffy, frilly things that everyone had been waiting to give a baby. Her grandfather came to visit her in the hospital and when I said "let's go see her", stopped in his tracks with the marvel at having a granddaughter.

She grew up around a lot of boys, followed her beloved big brother around in adoration. She spent lots of time with her father, who thought she could do anything and she learned to be fearless on cliffs, rocks and logs around the ocean. She grew up in a housing co-op with many loving adults and enough "other-mothers" to show her many ways to be a woman. She challenged me with her independence at an early age and knew who I was long before I was brave enough to acknowledge my own knowingness.

She traversed her inner world like her outer world, with the spirit of an explorer in her teens. She called out her teachers and her peers when they fell short and developed ferocious loving friendships and relationships. We learned to accept and appreciate each other during those stormy teenage years, when the turbulent times were affecting us both. She moved in with the man who is now her husband just before she finished high school and I packed her up with my blessing and celebrated her moving powerfully into her life.

She has nurtured that romance into a strong, solid marriage with a man who loves her immeasurably. They exchanged vows in a wedding ceremony that brought together 130 people in their community, joining families and friends into their inviting circle. My daughter became a mother last year, blessing me with a miraculous grandson, who she shares with me so openly. She has created a home which is a welcome place for everyone, it is often full and lively. She is growing a beautiful garden and is often happiest with her hands in the dirt. Her son is treasured by many people and will grow up in this community that she continues to build. She knows that she has work to do on this planet and that it is not always easy to be the one to show others their strength and possibility, but like everywhere else in her life, she tackles it with determination and bravery.

She has taught me more about who I am than I can fathom. She trusts that I have answers when I feel like I haven't a clue. She knows before the phone rings that I am calling her and is connected to me so deeply it feels like the umbilical cord was never cut, 27 years ago.

Happy birthday to my darling daughter - I am so glad you are in my life!

image credit to mmmcraft

Ponderings on Grace

2010-05-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

One definition of Grace, given by an on-line dictionary is this:

Theology.
a. the freely given, unmerited favor and love of god.

I liked this definition as it rang true for me and that "god" was not capitalized, which also rang true for me. Grace...I don't have to pay for it, I don't have to earn it and it is an expression of love from god(s) undescribed. Fabulous.

Being in a state of grace is described as "the state of one who is under such divine influence". As I move through my day, which started very early with a provocative teleclass where "grace" came up several times, I realize that I am usually striving for that state of grace and not always experiencing the divine influence. That concept that I don't have to be working to achieve this mysterious state, nothing to do, nowhere to go, is novel for me. To be able to relax and be in that freely given, unmerited favor place - well, just even imagining it causes me to pause in absolute wonder. I wonder what my life would look like if I just accepted this as so. I wonder how much more time and energy I would have to be effective in my day if I wasn't so caught up in worrying about producing this state of being. I wonder what my world will look like a year from now when I am practiced in (wait for it...) Letting Go?!

Yup, this all follows the Trusting the Universe theme, no surprise there. I do marvel at how many different ways this message is coming to me, from how many different messengers. And in the short period of time that I have begun to exercise this new found ability to allow Grace to be present I have discovered that it does alter my perspective. I "see" the world differently and quite often, like right now, words fail to describe the depth I have access to in this precious life.

Namaste.

photo image by Manny Lorenzo

We're on our way...

2010-05-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

The human brain is just too strange, isn't it? The instant that my focus was taken off the task of finding a new home (okay, it might have gotten a little dramatic there in hindsight), I immediately began to mentally list all that I will miss about this one. Oh, the hummingbirds, what if it is too windy for hummingbirds down there? Oh, the calm weather, how will I live with the constant wind of Dallas Road? Oh, the cupboard space, how will I squish all my stuff into that small place? I am just never satisfied, it seems.

And so I am pondering that elusive state of contentment this morning. I know there is much more research available to examine the state of happiness and positive psychology. I even have "the power of kindness, The unexpected benefits of leading a compassionate life" by Piero Ferrucci on my desk and I highly recommend it. When I grabbed it and opened it to the last page that I was reading, I had highlighted this: "At the center of trust we find surrender...Letting go is a major spiritual breakthrough." I have been actively studying this topic and it definitely impacts my coaching in brilliant ways.

Let go and breathe.

Yet, in the back of mind (a cluttered and not so well-lit place), I have this thought that all my study, meditation, practice should be having this stick somehow. That I will be enlightened when I no longer allow myself to go down the dark tunnels and can maintain this higher way of being. This past few months of my life would have been much more enjoyable if I hadn't trundled down the dark alleys of upset and disappointment and lack of communication. But, on the other hand (I am a Gemini and I rarely lack the ability to have a complete dialogue in my head), my daily experience of life is SO-O-O-O-O much brighter than ever before. And that is a gigantic victory. I have glimpsed the power of "letting go" and it is a major breakthrough!

This weekend is the last weekend "off" for a while. The reality of packing up a whole household and the usual nonsense of moving is in the wings. I am steeling myself for finding more of my own income instead of it being handed to me and the challenges (and rewards) that will bring. But right now, on this sunny Friday, I will putter for a time in the office then take the time to enjoy this beautiful place, this "borrowed" home and the gorgeous environment here. Here we go....

photo credit to andrealechase

Just too much...

2010-04-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

My time this past few weeks has felt extremely full and busy and I noticed that I was avoiding writing about the process going on in my head. Now, some of that has to do with my new focus and discipline in how my time is spent but in fact, I have been really working my way through a considerable growth period and like one of my GiST'ers (Grace in Small Things), the words have not been there to share.

The time has come to pack my carefully saved boxes in the crawl space, clear out the numerous cupboards and take my slightly less than 2 years worth of memories and move on. Disruptive, to be sure, but not entirely unexpected -this has always been my "borrowed" home. The intended destination is a neighbourhood near my darling daughter and her happy household which includes my ultra-adorable grandson - all good! Except, I don't know where I am moving to yet and that is driving me buggy! I can't believe my level of anxiety without a forwarding address. Okay, managing this (breathe in and breathe out). We will find a place - we do have a contingency plan and my mom has said that I can move home, if I have to.

Then, as a result of many risky (for me anyway - catastrophic disaster seemed imminent) conversations with my boss/colleague/friend, I am taking on new directions in my own business as a coach and dropping to a part time role at a reduced rate of pay (uh oh, skyrocketing terror, certainty of failure, major unworthiness complex) and this timing coincides with the move - to nowhere...

You may understand my teensy bit of reluctance to share all this. Why would anyone in their right mind hire a coach who is a person who practices Appreciative Inquiry and Grace in Small Things and Positive Outcomes and yet can barely stay upright because she is holding her breath til she turns blue or passes out?! And without an income, how will I pay the rent (not to mention groceries, car payments, phone bills and absolutely necessary bottles of Pinot Noir)? Oh my...

Okay, now I have let out all my worst fears and I am apparently not dead. Or, you are reading a message from the "other side" and I will soon be relating to you stories of what it is really like. Sorry, no insights from the unknown yet.

I am sure this blog will be evidence of how the crises of life become a funny story with enough time to get the humour. I determined this week that I actually can rely on myself - I have made it through every ridiculous circumstance up until now and although my choices were not always the brightest ones and I did suffer through some very chaotic times, I am here, I am well and I am loved. What more could I possibly ask for? (well, perhaps the ideal 2 bedroom home for the right price and 5 more clients next month and for the Canucks to win the Stanley Cup...)

Stay tuned - I promise to keep you posted more faithfully on my progress!!

Missing the Connection

2010-04-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

I am sure you have noticed how many glorious, amazing, inspiring, profound websites there are out there for all the brilliant groups, organizations, people who are committed to changing the world. I am certain that you have as you probably wouldn't be reading my blog if you weren't at least a little bit interested in progressive change. I have highlighted a few that have recently impacted me.

Each time I come upon another moving and incredible group who are preparing for the revolution ahead with love and energy and heartfelt desire to make a difference, I think a few things:

* where do I sign up?

* will I be like them when I grow up?

* how can we connect the dots of all this good work and really GET ON WITH IT?!

Probably the most frustrating aspect for someone like me, chipping away at the mountain of resignation and despair, declaring the occasional victory when I hear that a conversation I have had or an action on my part lightened someone's day (woot woot - ring the bell!!), is to see the intentions of all of these wonderful people so tantalizingly close and yet so far away.

I know we are speaking the same language, sense that we all hold a similar dream in our hearts, understand that we share a huge vision of a world that works for all, yet we seem so disconnected. It is almost as though the competion for the attention and focus of the folks who are already enrolled and engaged is counter-productive to the end result. How do I know which group to align myself with? Where do I put my efforts where they will produce the highest return? If I am to tithe my income for a good cause, which one do I pick? If I were to join each and every group that resonates with me, not only would my inbox be (more) stuffed with newsletters for the sharing of their news, my evenings would be filled with listening to talks and my days could be spent learning and educating myself on how I would become better equipped and able to fight the fight too.

This weekend, during a lively discussion on the state of the world, which I enjoyed with dear friends, I suggested that the threads of inspiring and committed people would organically find a way to link up and tip us over into this lit up, global network, like little lights blinking across a dark planet until the combined luminescence shines like the sun on our precious earth. Romantic balderdash is how that occurs to me today. Optimistic poppycock. Pollyanna on steroids. A fairy tale...

I wish I knew the answer. I plug along, comforted that my little efforts brighten a small circle and that circle expands to its circle - you know the deal. But I can't help but think that something else is required; something that allows us to reach beyond the little baby steps. I know in my gut that this is an urgent need and requires some extraordinary response.

What would it take to find that proverbial 100th monkey? Which conversation will be the one to shift the balance? Which little kindness will inspire the right action?

I don't know, but I haven't given up. There is no other game worth playing!

photo credit to michaeljosh

the power of ferocity

2010-03-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

I am known as a kind person, a gentle person, one who cooperates and easily concedes. I have cultivated some of this persona as a function of fitting in where I felt small and inconsequential. People aren't usually mean to nice people and therefore I ensured a measure of security in many circumstances where I was downright afraid.

This morning, in a moment of searing heat that I first put down to another one of those inconvenient flashes, I realized that I am actually mad. That's right; angry, outraged, fuming, ferocious!

There is plenty in this world to be incensed about, but this is personal. I actually realized that I am being taken advantage of in a circumstance where I was yielding and giving ground. Not the first time, I am sure, given my modus operandi, but this time, I have noticed and I am sufficiently annoyed to risk my situation by saying so.

That is exactly why I have not spoken up right there - I don't want to risk anything that might cause me to be expelled from the group/friendship/job/relationship. I am certain that I have known this about myself before as well, but once again there is a crystal clarity to my thoughts today and risking is the right direction to be taking, without a doubt.

Here's the challenge: how to maintain this ferocity? What would keep it burning so that it provides the impetus to take action? Not just in this moment but to shift to allow this energy, this power to propel me. I would say, practice. Just as I crafted a winning formula over years of experience of being the little one who was about to be left out, showing up as one with a certain fury will take some trial and error.

But today? I will allow the force of this indignation to move me. The path of my desired future has been coming clearer and clearer and I just figured out what the momentum will be!

photo credit to Kuby

time keeps on slippin', slippin' slippin....

2010-03-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

A whole week, no, more than a week has gone by and despite my grand intention to be more regular in my blogging, life has gotten in the way.

This has been a good week, punctuated by walks and yoga and regular, every day routine. Appreciating and celebrating the ordinary has been very prevalent. This second week at home, after the most satisfactory vacation, has me settled nicely into enjoying spring and being at work with renewed enthusiasm. The holiday has faded into some delightful memories and the flakes of my tan littering the inside of my socks. There is a degree of contentment.

The down side (if there is one) to a contented week, is that it has slid away very quickly - is it possible to be present and unconscious at the same time? I found myself several times suddenly aware that I was holding my breath - and quickly whooshed out the stale air and inhaled intentionally. While I love being a grandmother, there is no denying which side of the long life slope I am on, so I am relishing experiences and treasuring instances of laughter and delight.

I have been aware of other people's tragedies this week - losses of friends, parents, pets and as always, the state of the world looks challenging and daunting, but even with that awareness, I feel light and determined to be creating magic. Perhaps some of my thaumaturgy could be in freezing the moment and finding a way to hold on to it for just a little longer.

Image credit to Temari09

a very human work week

2010-03-12T17:50:00.000-08:00

Today was the first Friday of the rest of my life. Today, I got to pick my hours, go where I wanted to go, enjoy conversations with people in my community, chat with my daughter about her sleepless night with my adorable but cranky grandson and drink a glass of wine before 5pm just because I said so. Kind of like a flex-day, but on my terms. Today, any work that was done was for me to benefit from and indirectly for the "group" that I work for to profit from. It feels like I have finally grown up!

I am in the midst of creating my life (oh wait, I think that is what I have always been doing, just more consciously now) and I like the idea of a four day work week. At least, working in the standard, punch-the-clock kind of standard that is held by most of the 'civilized' world. I know that Europe is light years ahead of us with benefits, healthcare, childcare and vacations but I have now taken a stand for a more reasonable schedule. It isn't exactly a 3 day weekend as I do need to generate income on this day, but it really feels like it is mine to do. A shift in perspective.

Having just come back from Mexico (did I tell you how amazing it was to be on vacation? Oh yes, I did!), where one of my new dear friend's (actually a new hermana) daughter (does that make her my niece? how cool...) works for $5/day - that is right, folks, FIVE DOLLARS A DAY - helloooo, third world or what?? Now she is an incredibly intelligent, well spoken, charming young woman who is worth so much more but that is what she is being paid to show up in the telemarketing company that clearly takes advantage of her. So, again I get to observe a different perspective and thank Zeus for the graces of my life.

I have requested of the Universe the means to uplift a whole bunch of people in my life (don't you love my use of the English language?!) and I am awaiting the windfall (oh, and working my little butt off in the meanwhile, just in case the Universe is busy with other requests) that will allow me to make a BIG difference in the lives of my loved ones. This is a big circle and it needs to be a big windfall so that I can share it (Got it, Universe?!).

So, for now I will focus on next week and next month and the difference I can make. I am so blessed and so grateful for what I have. This is a good day!!

back in the saddle again

2010-03-08T17:15:00.000-08:00

I have new appreciation for Extranjera and the sabbatical from blog writing that took her away from us back into the "Real World" for a time. I, myself, have been anticipating, preparing for, working towards, relishing and enjoying a much appreciated holiday. Oh yes, a vacation, time off, a chance for a break - sunshine and no schedule. It was heavenly!

I intentionally avoided bringing a laptop, a cell phone, even a wrist watch to keep my time away as pure and relaxing as possible. I experienced the most marvelous down time I have had in the past decade. Magical...

Now, back at my desk, familiar vista out the window (although there was some weird flaky white stuff falling from the sky for a while today - what the __??), I have a new perspective and feel very ready for the year ahead. Exactly what a holiday is supposed to accomplish. Rested and renewed, I am back and raring to go.

I remembered why we fell in love with Playa del Carmen, Quintana Roo, Mexico. Friends we made there over 10 years ago still welcomed us, the climate is divine and I truly love the heart and soul of the Mexican people. I am far more realistic about what it would be like to live there full time and actually just want to create the possibility of spending an extended period each winter there. And now, I have the tools to work on that option.

So, this next couple of months, I will be looking ahead with some goals and intentions that are slightly different than a while ago. If change is in the wind, which seems very apparent this year, then I want to be saying which direction!

Did I mention how wonderful it was to be on holidays??

Maybe I don't know who I am

2010-02-02T10:47:00.000-08:00

During the night, when I often ask for insight and wisdom from the guides and inner council of my dreams, I had the thought that I may not know myself very well. My recollection of my life, like many others I am sure, is a series of memories mostly of the major screw-ups, missed opportunities and incidents that I would dearly love to "do over". The act of remembering some of those times still causes me to squirm and experience the emotions of shame and upset all over again. Not particularly useful, you would agree. Past is passed, right? Well, in principle, but I know I still get a negative charge from thinking about those less-than-stellar moments.

A glimmer of possibility did light up the night last night. What if all those times in my life were the result of ignoring my instincts about a circumstance? What if the degree to which I f*%ked up was directly proportional to my resistance about letting go and moving on?! Is it conceivable that I create the situations that force me to face my demons because I refuse to get the gentle nudges and subtle hints that I am not operating at my highest level (or even much above the earthworm)?? That perspective rocked me and brought me awake from the drowsy state I was in. Immediately, I denied it. That would somehow justify every mistake I have ever made and somehow that would make me an even worse person than the one that just screwed it up. But as I sit with this, in the light of day, I can see that it might just be another cut at Trusting the Universe (Carol's declared theme for this decade). (theme song to be announced...)

We know, if we tune in to our inner knowing, how to read any circumstance (I say this like I actually do KNOW this, which I am not at all certain about but will suspend that not helpful judgement for a moment and invite you to do the same...) and mostly in hindsight we can observe where we might have stepped over or turned away from the messages which could have directed us. So, if we (really, the royal "we" since I cannot speak for the collective "you") consider that our worst errors in judgement, our most shameful moments, the terrible and never spoken about actions are just the determined and somewhat desperate attempts of our internal knowingness to get our asses into action and out of the situations we are in, then how does that affect our relation to the past? Shifts it fundamentally, yes?! And what does that open up? Well, I can tell you from over here in the land of Trolls (my usual version of my self-image), a door is creaking open and I am feeling just a little lighter in my fuzzy slippers.

Now, this as yet unexplored postulation does come with certain responsibility (oh yes, this, my friends, is my other life lesson - how to be responsible for me - all of me). For having determined that listening to my little voice before it is shouting in my ear would be advantageous in avoiding crises, I now have to learn to rely on and take actions based on my gut, sometimes without a firm basis of reality or fact.

(oh cripes, now look what you have gotten us into, Ollie...) Ohhh, moment of panic - desire to hide under the covers - a nap or other diversion would be good right now...

Trust, faith, belief - these are not the known pillars of good judgement. But as I trundle down this road of self awareness and openness to being opposed to doing, I get clearer and clearer about what is required of me to grow up into who I already am. Taking the path of least resistance, always seeking the gentle and passive route, looking for quiet and non confrontational resolutions has my inner self, known as Ahara, letting me know that she will happily trip me up if I have to fall on my face again to get the lesson.

I work with a mirror on my desk. I use it in my coaching to be aware of my level of listening to my clients. I glance at it when I pick up the phone to be in communication or answer a call. I look for my shining eyes (if you haven't seen this video with Benjamin Zander, you really must take the time to watch - I highly recommend it!!) and now, I will be looking to see if I might be able to get to know that person in the mirror, for I truly have no idea who she is.

This is an uncomfortable place, my compadres - I am looking at the blogged-about changes from a different perspective and I don't know where it will lead me. I do, however, have a guide for the trip!

photo credit Per Ola Wiberg

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

2010-01-30T17:54:00.000-08:00

I already suspect that 2010 is going to go down in the history of my life as a year of changes. I think I need my friend Janyne to do my numerology for this year - I am sure it would show up as "change" year, whatever number that is. This all provides marvelous material for pondering and therefore blogging, as discomfort is often the trigger for putting fingers to keys to express, expel and exorcise the demons of worry.

So, knowing that change is the constant in the universe, why is it that I am constantly caught by surprise when I am faced with it? We just got sorted out with the 'borrowed' house, getting a six month reprieve in having to move, I thought that we might have a little bit of calm for a time. Not so much, it seems. Next is an upheaval in the status quo of the work situation, the result of a planning session that, as far as I am concerned, went seriously sideways. Well, at least not in the direction that I expected. Which is the background issue here - expectations; some spoken, some assumed but all that had left me with an apparently misguided sense of stability.

Now the sky has not fallen. I am blessed with a circumstance where dialogue is still going on and resolutions satisfactory to everyone is the commitment. It isn't that I doubt my ability to land on my feet, I have proven that many times over the past 10 years and the various iterations of my professional life, but this winter I have noticed that I am a little tired. This could be simply coming down the home stretch towards a much anticipated holiday (which I am very glad that I booked before all this disruption) but my energy for pushing outcomes is limited.

Which leads back to that trusting thing - (are ALL my conversations circular ones?!) and the Universe clearly is challenging me to do so. So, tonight, warm and ensconced in my upstairs home, with the fireplace glowing, oysters in the fridge, bubbly wine chilling (any excuse for sparkling wine is acceptable - even uninvited variations on the agreed upon agenda) and my dear and patient husband who has agreed to stay with me no matter where we end up, my life is pretty awesome. And change is in the wind... stay tuned!

photo credit to Pere Soler

What if?

2010-01-19T10:01:00.000-08:00

A while ago I wrote a blog on Indulgence with a wonderful list of "what if's" that make me smile. Today, I am meditating, considering, pondering the possibility of trusting the Universe. That phrase, "trust the _______ (insert here your theological, philosophical meta-figure of choice)" does certainly get overused. I mean, who really does that? Who actually trusts that the design of life is intended to be trusted? That we can relax and enjoy and be happy, confident in the knowing-ness that it will all work out?! Nobody I know... except maybe the Dalai Lama and I would not presume to say the I know him.

Given the continuous disruption in the force ("ahh, Luke, don't go to the dark side") which we are constantly reminded of by CNN, NBC and FOX, it would be ludicrous to pretend we are not aware of the miserable state of affairs this world is in. And I never wish to diminish the horrific experience that many of my fellow global citizens live through daily. No, I am very present to the blessings of my life and actively express my appreciation.

I am contemplating the concept of trust and the implications of that. Philosophically, I believe that trust is something that is given, like a gift, for no reason. That "earning" trust is a fallacy as there is no conceivable way that you can ever prove to someone that you are trustworthy unless they are willing to grant you that status. The trusting is always, always done by you and you get to choose when and with whom you participate in this activity. So, I get to say whether or not I trust the Universe (or Zeus or my husband or my mother or my prime minister or the guy that fixed my fireplace).

Ok-a-a-a-a-a-y, (I am working my way through this, hang in there with me...) if that is so, then why do I have such a challenge with trusting that this is all perfect? Rationally, my experience of life is quite magical. I count my blessings and marvel over the way that it works out favourably. There is another level of expression of trust that I am just beginning to make out on the horizon. The shape of it is becoming clear. It requires that leap of faith, which has been attributed to Soren Kierkegaard, which interestingly, he actually referred to as a leap to faith.

Levels of awareness and consciousness - this really is a continuum, isn't it? When I bring my attention to learning, stretching and grappling with new concepts, I step into a new world. I invite you to trust with me today!

photo credit - Marc Jenkins and the subject is my amazing son

Blessings with velocity

2010-01-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

I have been very faithful to my GiST blog with 5 graces shared and communicated almost every day and I am truly thankful for the forum which has me focus on being grateful. It has been scientifically proven (no, really, I just have to find the data to footnote) that expressing gratitude has beneficial effects. You have to admit we find it much more common to complain and that is the society norm. This shift to appreciating life's graces just takes a little practice.

It is impossible not to be appreciative of my life when I think of the tragedy that continues to unfold in Haiti. I simply cannot fathom the sheer desperation and frantic exhaustion that must be overwhelming the people there. And of course, tragedies big and small befall good people every day. Puts that whole notion of faith in a different light, doesn't it? Mostly what I become aware of is how much drama I stir up in my own blessed life and how little it serves me when I peek at the bigger picture.

It is challenging to hold a world view that exposes the ugly and dispair reality that exists in so many places. Juggling knowledge of the circumstances the majority of the world wakes up to each day and my own commitment to generative forward motion often has me feel naive and somehow unaware. Yet, my philosophies don't have me avoiding or turning away from what is going on, I just have to measure and pace my exposure in order to remain balanced. Understanding myself is key to this and noticing when I am full up with one aspect of the world.

Comes down to coaching myself, nurturing my own ability to be compassionate and healthy with me. Finding ways to soothe my soul so that I can turn again into the intensity and be of service.

And back to that counting blessings exercise... I have many and I do not take them for granted!

Photo credit to: Saucy Salad

just plain confused or the State of Limbo

2010-01-10T13:30:00.000-08:00

Having found out that I am not moving imminently - meaning not in 3 weeks, I am feeling more and strangely, less settled. I guess I had wrapped my head around the moving idea and even though I was less than thrilled with the timing, I was ready to find a new home and get on with the next phase. So, now we are back in limbo, the 'for sale' sign still stuck in the front yard and there was even a scheduled viewing of the house by more prospective buyers (which, fortunately, got cancelled so I could putter about my kitchen without being banished by the sales agent).

Limbo - (Latin limbus, edge or boundary, referring to the "edge" of Hell) is clearly intended to be an uncomfortable place. Nobody gets all cozy and snuggled up in Limbo. One would not likely vote for staying in Limbo for very long. Limbo, as a destination, would not rate very many stars. And Limbo is where I live, which explains my various states of anxiety and distress.

Since I have resolved to embrace Wonder in my Life during the year 2010, this requires joyously taking on all aspects of said Life. Therefore, I need to get sorted out with this Limbo-thing. Which probably requires some conversations with my boss/colleague/friend to clarify the house sale situation. Then, I can figure out exactly what steps I want to take this year to be where I want to be, not just where I am currently perched. I have received coaching from several people that I admire to be deeply and consciously considering this next step and to have the choice come from a place of following my heart not being convenient.

So, moving out of Limbo is the intention for the first part of this new year. Destination to be determined... stay tuned!

Managing life

2010-01-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

That has always been my approach - to "manage" my life. A quick visit to my favourite English language site - Wordsmyth netted the following definitions:

1. to direct, control, or administer.

2. to contrive or bring about.

3. to accomplish or succeed in, usu. despite some difficulty.

Hmm, not much creative or exciting about that style of living one's life, is there? Scarce wonder that running that playbook for the last umpteen years has had my life look like veering from one struggle to the next, narrowly avoiding crises and disasters and with very little sense of fun or accomplishment. (Okay, I may be exercising my right to hyperbole as my life has not been all that bleak, as you may have gathered from reading my other posts.) However, it does allow for me to consider that another strategy for being a fully expressed, wondrous marvel of a human being is timely and not a bloody minute too soon!

So, in the realm of resolutions, a procrastinator like myself (yes, that is another one of my charming attributes), I have come to see that a very simple statement of resolve for the new year and decade might be: I embrace the experience and wonder of being alive!

The last week has opened my eyes in any number of realms. I have been reminded of Helen Keller's quote on Security: "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure." I have noticed my expectations of the world around me and I have uncovered my core belief that there are choices in this world and the ones I make DO impact my immediate circle and beyond that, ripple out in ways that reach so far that I cannot imagine or predict.

It took me more than a week to cogitate and ruminate over the events affecting my 'borrowed' house and the manner in which the changes are coming about. I needed to allow the drama to fall away and the emotions to scale back to see with clarity what was at stake for me. Seeing the actions and reactions of the people involved, I allow my ability to be compassionate and also bring my own sense of responsibility to the situation. What is there for me to say to express my thoughts and feelings and how can I affect the outcome in a progressive and generative manner?

I am also left with the power of intention - focusing on what is possible and pushing energetically for a result. Now, if I could just intention away about 15 lbs and create more time and energy during the day...

credit for the photo to imoongypsy

and now for something completely different...

2010-01-01T13:36:00.000-08:00

Well, 2010 is beginning with all the uncertainty and disruption I have come to expect in January. A quick tally of Januarys in the past decade found:
- we moved 5 times in January in the past 10 years
- I began new jobs/ventures in January 5 times in the past 10 years
- My husband & I began the new year by moving away from each other 3 times in January in the past 10 years.

And, in the glorious clarity of hindsight, these have become pretty funny stories. They were not experienced as such in the moment. You would think that I would be getting used to this. Triumphantly, I can say that I have not completed freaked out as the spectre of finding a home, packing boxes and moving my life this month has come to pass once again!

However, I am once again reminded of this primal need to find a home, not just another place to park the boxes for a while. And this time it is pretty short notice, with the determination of timing out of my hands due to the circumstance that are beyond my control. This makes the relative calm that I feel even more of a victory.

(Now, my husband who has been witness to the tears, gnashing of teeth, wringing of hands and fluent cursing language might not have labelled me sane, much less calm, this past week...)

But, there remains a foundation of optimism, of faith that it will work out. One gift the review of the past decade that I engaged in this week has provided is resolve that I do know how to land on my feet and be open to change. For the most part all of the disruptions concluded happily and progress was made. I have every reason to assume that this one will too!

I have a clear list for my new home - this is what I want:
: Sunny
: GREAT kitchen to work in - accessible for people and sharing space
: Garden space (could be pots on the deck, but I need to grow stuff this spring)
: Walking distance to downtown
: 2 bedrooms (so that I have an office space to write off / guest room for friends/family)
: Landlord who is friendly and available
: Good fridge/stove/dishwasher (if possible)/washer/dryer
: GREAT neighbours
: Warm in the winter
: Covered parking for my little red car
: Walkable neighbourhood
: Possibility of having a cat
: Within the budget!

I put this list out for the Universe to provide for me - I will search and explore and request. I understand that my actions will pave the way for the manifesting of miracles - please, let my home show up this week!!

Oh yes, and Universe? Let's change this January disruption to maybe, May?! Thanks!

Always look on the bright side of life!

and that was that

2009-12-28T11:02:00.000-08:00

Every year around this time, ever since remembering began, I get all melancholy and feel let down. Like the wonderful brother-in-law of my darling daughter said "The Christmas tree just doesn't look the same with the presents all gone". True, true... and that is exactly what this sense of "now what?" is about.

Living in an apparently civilized country that doesn't have a statutory holiday between New Year's Day and Easter is just wrong. We all need something to look forward to and the long months between Christmas and spring in Canada require reasons to get up in the morning. No wonder so many of us figure out how to get a few short days of intense sunshine in a tropical place as often as possible in the winter!

But I have discovered that this is a perfect summing up time. Especially this year as we pause to remember not only the year but the decade. We have made it 10 years into the the new millenium, folks. And that did not seem certain on December 28, 1999.

This past decade for me has been one of intense change - businesses sold, started, failed and disaster overcome. Work has taken me to Mexico, Hawaii, Tahiti & all over the continental US. I have lived in 5 different places - more than the rest of my entire life. I have moved during almost every one of those ten years. I learned that I could re-invent myself in a multitude of ways, professionally. I have been a failed entrepreneur, a receptionist, a sales & marketing assistant, a business operations coordinator, regional manager and manager, a professional coach and most recently, Director of Tribal Culture. I have worked with people eccentric, brilliant and loving.

Personally, I have learned the freedom of being completely responsible for my life, how to fearlessly express my thoughts, how to accept help and that I will continue to explore learning and knowledge for the rest of my life. I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up - and love that I can coach and listen for many people. I became friends with my mom, found that I have the perfect husband, discovered that I still adore my children and fell totally in love with my grandson. In this last decade my family grew through marriage and friendships - I am now blessed with even more people in my inner circle than ever before.

I have lived in the mountains and the big city and now back to my beloved island. Our abodes have ranged from a 400 square foot studio to a 2500 square foot house overlooking the ocean.

I turn my thoughts into words in several venues. I share philosophy and dreams with people around the world. I have the honour and privilege of actively 'acting for the greater good' each day. I am more certain than ever that we have choice about how our world will look in the future.

I look ahead with anticipation and excitement. I look forward to December 28th, 2019 for another summing up of the decade!

Darkest days and longest nights

2009-12-21T10:45:00.000-08:00

Seemed that the night did not want to give up its hold this morning. Light slowly seeped into the grey sky and the day is quiet and still and definitely not bright. It is with great relief that I realize that we are done with the longest night and turn now into the sun. Even two minutes a day will be an improvement.

This winding down of the year is especially poignant and the summing up of the year's events will be momentous and joyful. This year, with Kai's arrival will be remembered as the year of his birth. Those dates are marked even long after we are gone. We are still celebrating Beethoven's birthday!

I am learning to embrace the rhythms of the seasons - not to struggle against the natural cycles and energies. This is a time of hibernation and sleep and my body knows that. At 4:30 when it is already dark, I am ready to close off my day and any efforts made to be active in the evening are challenging. I can barely stir from my warm bed in the morning. This all makes sense and somehow I have been unaware of the ebb and flow or else have insisted that it makes no difference. Nonsense!

And so I am drawn to summing up this week as the hustle and bustle of Christmas is upon us. I will take some time over these short days to consider what I want to celebrate about 2009 and what the first decade of this new millenium has meant to me. 2010 is a perfect opportunity to renew again - the beginning of a new 10 years that will have their own flavour as each new decade does.

I will continue to enjoy the baking and wrapping and preparation for the annual feast and gathering of the clan. I love the anticipation of stockings being unpacked with much laughter and fun and the presents being unwrapped and oohed and ahhed over. There will be much fuss made over our sweet baby and although he won't remember this first Christmas, we will!

Right now, a hummingbird is sipping sugar water from the feeder on my deck. I marvel over this resilient, brave little creature that defies the odds and logic and spends all winter here. Last week, in the snow, it seemed fantastic and amazing that a hummingbird would be flying outside my window yet there he was - symbol of all that is incredible and miraculous in the deep of winter!

can you stand one more blog about Christmas?

2009-12-13T12:52:00.001-08:00

Although I can't promise this will be the last seasonal entry - this seasonal stuff sets off my sentimental and wondering little brain...

This has been a few days of contemplation and pondering about traditions and family and such. I am appreciating the different ways to celebrate. I am giving up that I need to have ALL my family under the same roof on Christmas morning in order to have a successful Christmas Day. I am understanding that giving my mom her wrapped presents early will make her Christmas morning cheery and will give her something to look forward to over the next couple of weeks. She may not get out of the house to get us anything more than a greeting card sent before the 25th. She will likely share her Christmas dinner with friends and family of theirs. Her clear desire to spend her remaining days in her own home means that our visits will be sporadic and rarely for more than a few days, barring emergencies. I cannot control how it all turns out any more than I can manage the weather.

At my daughter's house, the 9 foot real Christmas tree is decorated with 8 strings of lights and she has garnished it with ornaments old and new. The front yard is festive with outdoor lights for their first Christmas in the house they all share. She has the Advent Calendar hung that my mom made for my little ones to count down by putting another decoration on the felt Christmas tree each morning. While little Kai is blissfully unaware of the fuss and preparation, this is really in honour of him and the designation of 'family' that being blessed with him has created in that home.

I am ready to go back to my 'borrowed' house and pull out some more festive stuff and light up the place. I will play my favourite seasonal CD's and light up the miniature Christmas village for the sideboard to glow in the darkness of the next couple of long, long nights. I will anxiously watch the weather forecasts for inclement road conditions that might prevent both shopping trips and travel to gather with the family. I will bake shortbread and goodies to share with friends and I will plan an evening of celebration for one evening to eat and drink and laugh with friends.

This year's memories are not yet set so I can say how it will play out. It is with gladness and anticipation that I look forward to the coming days and the warmth of the love that is more important than anything at this time of year. Thanks for reading - this blog was a little gooey, the sweetness is getting to me.

bored in Calgary ... everything AND the kitchen sink

2009-12-11T20:03:00.000-08:00

Sort of like 'Sleepless in Seattle' but not... I realize that my mom is aging - it is something I am coming to terms with on any number of levels, but I remembered tonight how much I hate cooking in the kitchen by myself. Mom is much happier ensconced in her recliner with reruns of reruns that are familiar to her. The cat is sleeping happily on the couch as she is elderly too, and even the remote possibility of food falling on the floor is no longer an enticement to hang out in the kitchen.

Now, I am blessed currently in my borrowed house to have a kitchen which extends into the open living room and it is easy to interact with anyone else who is nearby. This house, my childhood home, is more traditional (pause to pour more Carolans into the glass before the ice cubes melt - this is medicinal you see, to counteract the boredom) with the kitchen completely separate from any other human being in the house. I don't recall this being an issue when I was young, because the kitchen was the centre of all the action - food, kitchen table discussions, drama and tears by the sink and that was where my mom was most likely found. My mother was a working mother, unusual for my era, and once she came home, putting on her apron was probably the first thing she did after shedding her coat and shoes. She faithfully prepared meals during the week for us and on the weekend she would be whipping up cookies and dinners for the week ahead. Some of my favourite memories are in this kitchen.

- we used to have square linoleum that was exactly the right size for me to practice "first position" in ballet - my feet fit just right and the tea towel rack was sort of like the barre

- we always ate our meals at the kitchen table - the dining room table was for, well, stuff to be piled up on and occasionally company

- it was expected that my brother and I would trade off assisting with dishes (we couldn't be trusted to do them together - that was like igniting WWIII) so I would help my dad, mostly

- I learned more about the world doing dishes with my dad - we talked about politics, parenting, the state of the world, made up stories about the families would could see in the playground outside the backyard, visible from the window, told jokes and teased each other - it was pretty magic

- the only telephone in the house was between the kitchen and dining room and in order to talk to my girlfriends about 'private' stuff in earshot of everyone, we had to create codes for the secret stuff - talking to my first boyfriend endlessly from that phone was painful - I couldn't understand why we couldn't get an extension phone but that was beyond my family's means at the time

- even after I left home, whenever I came back, we gathered there around that table, being part of whatever was being cooked up - literally and figuratively

I imagined when I thought about this weekend with my mom - an early Christmas for her since she doesn't want to travel out to be with all of us - that we would be working together in the kitchen like we used to. It just isn't the same being there on my own. Perhaps tomorrow during another snowy day in Calgary, we can create something together - shortbread for Christmas, just like the olden days.

Okay, definitely time for more Carolans - and there might be a rerun that I would like to watch with her coming up next!

T'is the season...

2009-12-02T11:36:00.000-08:00

Every December since I became conscious (wait, was that last year? or the year before?) I have been aware of this anticipation of the Christmas "feeling". I actually spent some time as a teenager (when I wasn't writing angst ridden poetry) contemplating what the feeling was and how to capture it as I matured (again, was that in 2007 or 2008?). I only knew that it was what I anticipated each year and it seemed, upon examination, to be equal parts waiting impatiently for the day to arrive, the preparation which included baking, shopping, wrapping and tree decorating and an ill described sense of goodwill to all men.

That goodwill bit, now described as an accounting term or an organization of assistance to those in the depths of despair, seems antiquated and quaint - Charles Dickens'ish. Yet that is the very embodiment of the Christmas spirit to me and every year since recollection has had me start this season of indulgence and merriment with a desire to share that goodwill with everyone.

I know that I am wrapped in the Currier and Ives vision of Christmas. I admit that I have expectations of how it is supposed to look and sound and smell. Last year, I created the closest recreation of that ever. The fresh pine tree, chopped down by my very own husband after tromping through a forest (okay, it was a Christmas tree plantation, but let me keep some of my illusions, alright?!), decorated carefully and lit up in the window of a house large enough to entertain my entire family. We had a fully laden larder, a fridge full of yummy food, an abundance of beverages and even gently falling snow. Perfect, right? Turned out that the snow slowed and almost completely derailed the family's arrival, with treacherous driving conditions. The abundance of (alcoholic) beverages was challenging to some of the members of the group and everyone woke up the next morning having to dash off before the weather closed in again. I was left at 10 am on Boxing Day with the consummate Christmas done in less than 24 hours, a messy, empty house and a ton of left overs with no one to share them with (except my grateful husband who loves turkey sandwiches).

In the week leading up to that event, I was so excited to be able to provide this amazing Christmas to share with my loved ones and truthfully, I treasured every single minute of it (except some of the beverage-induced silliness) and would do it again, but only if we could all enjoy it longer - people should plan on spending at least 5 or 6 days with me - before and after. Then. I would be happy.

Hmmm, perhaps there are some unrealistic expectations lurking here. What is genuinely there for me is that I almost don't want to begin a season of disappointment, so I am putting off even pulling out the decorations because if last year wasn't precisely ideal, given all the right conditions, how will I ever be able to have the Christmas that I dream of?

Now, my daughter has had her son and has asked to begin the passing down of the traditions, ornaments and celebration. This passing of the torch is appropriate and makes perfect sense that the next generation hosts and holds the family gathering. I am left, like I was in my bedroom as a 15 year old, wondering where the magic went. Time to read "Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus" "...Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world." Thank you, Francis P Church, Editor of the New York Sun.

I will find enchantment and charm this season. I will bake and cook and share lovely times with friends and loved ones. I will find ways to give and be generous and open. I will hang my stocking and eagerly watch for the sparkle and glow in the faces of those around me. I will hold the Spirit of Christmas in my heart!

Pondering on Friday

2009-11-27T11:16:00.000-08:00

Having realized that I will, in fact, survive this week, evidenced by the very keystrokes on the keyboard that I am living and breathing proof that a tough work week rarely kills anyone (oh, except those that are employed in far more dangerous vocations than mine - of which there are many and I am sad to say some of them probably did not make it through this week), I am actually celebrating the arrival of Friday! And the sun - great Zeus (thanks, Extranjera -this oath is the BEST EVER) I had no idea how bleak my world would be if the sun never shone again -I don't think I would make it. I would be a dozing puddle of ineffectiveness, tear stained and pale, lethargic to the point of catatonia, blithering about sun salutations to wrathful and non-responsive sun god. Fortunately, that sun god is smiling on me today and the world is much brighter!

Conversations - I have been blessed by great conversations this week. With colleagues, with friends, with family - my world has been made up of words. I have seen through these dialogues that being on the brink of change, of the proverbial "paradigm shift" is an uncomfortable place. Like being face to face with our own way of being, considering a monumental divergence in how we thought this story was going to turn out, makes us squirm and wriggle and look for quick and easy exits. Timing is everything. My sense, intuition, that I am grappling with, constantly balancing trusting myself and others with healthy skepticism directs me to a belief, no, stronger than that, a faith in a generative outcome. One that generates growth. This evolution, of which I consider myself an evolutionary, is inevitable. Choosing how and where, while we still have the luxury of choice is the urgent message we are all hearing!

Considering "urgency" a value that I can add to those principles that direct me and support me is a new concept in this little mind. I have been much more of the "wait and see", "let's just take a breath here" kind of philosophy. More and more I can see evidence that challenges me to step up and grow a set.

(Strange, isn't it that having courage and conviction is described as "having balls"? Yet, the Dalai Lama said "The world will be saved by the western woman." Perhaps it is time to change that idiom to "growing some ovaries". Those I have and they have been perfectly functional, thank you!)

Well, sufficient ponderings for this Friday. Hey, let me know what you think - comments encouraged!!

(credit for the photo to orangeacid)

Away from home

2009-11-18T21:53:00.000-08:00

It wasn't long ago that I used to regularly do this - travel away from home (usually far away and often to some sunny location), stay in an impersonal hotel room and arrange my life from a suitcase. Spending time working in a resort location where most people are on holidays has its own challenges and eventually the novelty wears thin and even the additional sunshine that you can view from an office window is not compensation enough. That, and the fact that I could no longer reconcile the lifestyles I was participating in selling with my stand for people and our planet.

Yet, here I am tapping away on my ancient laptop (this one goes back 3 employers ago, countless miles and keeps on ticking - even though it weighs, like 50 pounds) really enjoying the typical hotel room layout and even the little bottles of shampoo and conditioner. (pretty good quality here - you can tell where the hotels take shortcuts - crappy products in the bathroom!) There is something comforting about an anonymous hotel room - bonus, if you don't have to share it - which is how mine has turned out tonight and therefore, I don't have to talk at all, if I don't want to. Now, the view outside is on a cold, rainy Vancouver night, not exactly the palm trees and sandy beaches of yesteryear (oh wait, that was only 2 employers ago and merely a couple of years).

So, what is there to say? I almost didn't come over here as I felt odd about leaving, a strange sense of not wanting to leave home. I honoured my intuition and made sure that I created a safe travel bubble, stayed aware for unexpected upsets and just remained vigilant for any possible disruptions to the force. There was a 6.6 earthquake not too far away so maybe that was on my radar but I am consciously creating a space of learning and fellowship which seems to be paying off.

The dialogue during our learning today was fascinating. It is a facilitator training for Appreciative Inquiry which is a philosophy that is very dear to my heart. Not only does it describe the way that I view the world but this week I got clear about how to distinguish it from "positive thinking" which has all those gooey Pollyanna'ish attributes. Appreciative Inquiry (AI) is not positive - it is generative. That is, it creates a framework from which to inquire and therefore observe the best in people, organizations and systems. It is in its broadest sense a systematic discovery about what gives "life" to a living system when it is most effective. I have begun to study it in depth and this training that I am away from home for is another step towards more mastery in the discipline of facilitating it in my profession and in my life.

Today, we entered a dialogue in the course room about what it will take to shift the attention of the world from a deficit based world view. While it was acknowledged that there remains a vested interest in that position, surely there is a growing opportunity to find sufficient value in engaging in a new paradigm of thought that gives life force and energy to "change at the speed of imagination". I have discovered that this IS my life's work. Currently it is expressed through my coaching others and growing my coaching and training skills to the point where I can teach and facilitate for learners becoming excellent coaches and I am beginning to see the path which leads me even further in my commitment to a world that works - for every one.

Being distanced from the usual, removed from the familiar and spending some time with myself for company does make room for observation from an uncommon perspective. Nattering away as I do when in a room by myself, I discuss with myself the implications of my scrutiny of my behaviour and reactions and draw some interesting conclusions. I actually like my own company and perhaps because it is now a rare occasion that I have to spend hours alone, I value the manner in which my mind operates and honour the intuitive sense of forward direction that is clarified without distractions.

I miss home and the comfort and luxury of being well loved by my husband. I do appreciate the tremendous value in this introspective review and the new knowledge that I am advancing here. I will return refreshed and renewed. I have traded palm trees and extravagent heat for rain and some marvelous conversations - with others and myself!

Charter for Compassion - and now what?

2009-11-13T11:22:00.000-08:00

Please watch this video, then go to this site and add your name, check out the other affirmers, peruse the events and ways to participate and tell me that you are not moved beyond your stodgy, cynical, "this will never change" perspective. I have followed the creation of this charter for many months and was honoured to receive the final version in my inbox this week.

I am left with some questions though... how will we know that a difference is being made? What will be the evidence that a shift IS occurring? How will the orphans of Gaza, the disappeared of Chile, the child soldiers of Somalia, the teenage hookers of East Vancouver know that we are making the world a better place?

Will the fat, apparently heartless corporate heads of the companies that exploit the poor and the helpless wake up tomorrow with a change of heart and give their profits to Save the Children Fund? Will the powerful leaders of countries that dominate and slaughter people in other parts of the world in the name of a "justifiable" defense suddenly smack their collective foreheads and call a cease fire everywhere? Will the angry gang member put down his gun and forgive the slight from the other side instead of getting in his car and shooting up someone's house in a driveby revenge?

What would have to happen to create that miracle?? In the face of all the magical, powerful, amazing openings that are being created every day by so many of us, how can we possibly know we have turned the corner and are not facing the inescapable end of human beings? What certainty can I give to my darling grandson that he will have an opportunity not just to live but to prosper and thrive in a world where the majority also share that future?

As I dwell in these questions, allowing the not-knowing to just be a part of what is present in my sunny office in the space where I was blessed to be born, I can look into my heart and realize that it is not possible to have a Hollywood type conclusion here. There seems to be some inexorable and unrelenting momentum propelling us to our future. The interpretation of what will result will be up to each individual.

I can, in the light of being a part of the creation of the Charter for Compassion, accept that one possible outcome will be that we pause a few years from now and look back on the progress we have made in a remarkably short period of time and experience wonder and joy for what work has been done and how this Charter was embraced by so many. Let it be so. Namaste.

Indulgence

2009-11-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

What if ...

~ I could choose to sleep whenever I wanted to for however long I desired?

~ I could eat what my body asked for without considering calories, salt, sugar or fat?

~ I could choose where I wanted to go each morning?

~ I could spend as much time as I wanted with my mom, helping her, laughing with her, remembering and wondering with her?

~ I could travel anywhere I wanted without thought of the price - monetary and environmental?

~ I could indulge in days of conversation, walking and exploring with my husband without a schedule and deadlines intruding?

~ I could while away the time with my daughter and sweet grandbaby, moving in baby time, sharing insights and ideas?

~ I could sit and sip tea and talk about poetry and theatre and life with my brilliant son?

~ I could volunteer to build a house in another country, working with a crew of dedicated and committed people to make a difference in a real and concrete way without thought of earning a living?

~ I could go to university, take every course that interested me, steep myself in learning, following a path of what piqued my interest next?

~ I could putter about in my own little house, painting and decorating, digging in the garden and sticking my own roots into the soil?

~ I could pick up my calligraphy pens, get my fingers stained with inks, practice making beautiful letters and create flowing works of art with words?

~ I could pour over cookbooks and recipes, shop for the fresh ingredients each day from shops close at hand where I know the shopkeeper's names and then chop and measure and cook marvelous meals to share?

~ I could take a yoga class every day and spend another hour on my mat, stretching and strengthening my body and opening and quieting my mind?

~ I could have marvelous interactions with people, coaching and conversing, engaging the innovative ideas and spirited dialogue every day without an eye on the clock?

~ I could write for hours, deepening the process of committing thoughts to paper, delving into the crafting of language and expression?

What if??

photo credit to Emma Lagunday

Third Eye Blind

2009-10-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Before my son or anyone who actually followed alternative music in the 90's gets excited, I am not writing about the band. Let 's be clear about this, I don't think I could tell you any succinct fact about them or their music, so this is not a tribute to a "Semi-Charmed Life" (and I had to google that - apparently it was their peak moment).

What has occurred to me is that I may have never exercised my own third eye. In meditating during my yoga practice this last while, I have become present to the idea that I have actually been resisting anything that might have to do with intuition or higher awareness. It might even explain the deep wrinkles between my eyebrows (struggling to keep that eye closed?!) and at the very least I have become conscious observing the world from a different perspective.

As I explore my own capacities and be willing to accept my power in the world, I am naturally drawn to others who are traveling this path. Books, music, fellow bloggers, many conversations point in this direction. Of course, this all comes at a time when it appears critical that actions follow the dialogue and we don't simply bliss out on the good intentions.

My own essence expressed in reality, the spirituality that is dawning in my practice is being articulated to others. Not only am I awakening to my reverence for the Universe but I am revealing it to the outside world. My third eye is opening!

The best part about this whole discovery is that it is not significant or meaningful. This element of my life comes with more humour and sense of fun and wonder than ever before. I am happy like I was when I was five years old and the it was simply enough to be playing every day.

I keep looking for and acting on opportunities that have me sharing this joyous aspect of my life - I celebrate what is right in the world today!! I do live a Semi-Charmed Life, now it all makes sense.

It was 30 years ago today...

2009-10-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

Grateful for Today #113 - it was 30 years ago today...

that my magical son was born... my graces today are for him:

~ that he has become this incredible man who acts, reads poetry, loves deeply and makes people laugh
~ that he follows his heart - knows why he is on this earth - and what he is good at
~ that he has beautiful hands, long elegant fingers and uses them in expression of his words (when he was a teeny baby a very funny old lady that rode the bus with us exclaimed over his long fingers then -she said he would play the piano...)
~ that he calls me "Mama" and writes me these beautiful notes and poems and cries when I send him notes and poems back
~ that he is such a great big brother for his sister and tender uncle for his nephew and loves to experience harmony in our family

Happy Birthday my son!! (okay it was yesterday, but I had to share!)

Moments of contentment

2009-10-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

If you had told me 10 years ago that I would think my life was full and busy with a calendar week that shows work/yoga-work-work-work/yoga-work-help kids move and evenings spent watching the new season on the tele with my husband - I would have suggested you find some other dumb woman to foist that life off on! And - surprise - here I am, experiencing periods of pure enjoyment and peace with my existence.

I pondered this morning whether the ability to recognize the brief twinkling of contentment is a function of age or whether it could be taught or shared. In our world of zoom-zoom, it certainly makes sense to me that the more we slow down and appreciate these junctures that zip by in a jiffy, the less destruction we would wreak upon our planet. Having considered that, I will make sure to be discussing this with my adult children and absolutely engage with baby Kai because I just know he will be examining and marveling over the little things in his world.

I also heard yesterday of a mom of teenagers who has started her own business, is movin' and shakin' in the corporate world, working on her PhD and loving every single minute of her life. And at some ridiculously young age (well, from this cron-y perspective...). More power to her and viva la différence! The capacity to not go to the comparison which diminishes me and what I have accomplished and the significance of the achievements of others is the foundation of this place of contentment. I have made myself mad with determining where I sit on the chart of success, to the point that I virtually stopped talking in situations where I was unsure of myself. At least, that is how it occurred to me, but interesting to review those memories with some degree of objectivity and realize that I never actually held back when I had opinions, when I considered there was something at stake, something I was passionate about.

So, another lesson in the curriculum of serenity - regard your past with rose coloured glasses, odds are you weren't all that bad. Hmm, perhaps there is a treatise on this subject inside me. I will ponder that a little more. My immediate reaction is there are far too many books on wisdom out there and little practiced in the moment!

The reflective nature of this past weekend allowed me to truly distinguish how grateful I am for my life and beyond that how marvelous it is that I have constructed it this way. For I do believe that we build our lives, sometimes consciously, mostly with a blindfold on, like kids playing pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, fumbling for the right place to stick our tails. This bit of enlightenment washes warmly over me, sitting here at my computer, in just the right place, at just the right time. There is a smile on my face.

ps - thanks to Flickr - the photo at the top was just the perfect picture to frame this blog - the credit goes to kk.

Blank screen - grey sky

2009-10-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, fall is here, there is no denying it. And I admit a degree of frustration with my apparent inability to manage the emotional reaction to the steady downpour and endless clouds over the Bay. Perhaps I should have counted my 5 Graces first this morning...

I am tired, a little wrung out actually, like a slightly worn facecloth with the edges fraying. I have been on a long run for me, many days in a row being "on" in one arena or another and well, I ain't as young as I useta be. Which, of course, leads down a different tunnel with no cheese as my friend Charles would say.

Extranjera wrote a particularly moving piece this morning about a young woman taking her own life. Given the landscape of my life with precious young people around me who are challenged and still aware of all aspects of the world, this struck home and I am letting myself dwell for a short time on a bleak and less than optimistic horizon. I have discovered that resisting this feeling and pushing away the dark thoughts as unwelcome visitors only prolongs their stay. Life is cyclical by nature and on this very dull day, I am allowing myself to be at the bottom of my bounce.

I am confident in the rebound of the ball and when I close my eyes and allow the Power of the Universe to move through me, I can take a deep breath and move strongly into my day. The tone of the sky has warmed and the filtered light on the arbutus is glorious. The trunk where the bark has peeled away over the summer is bare, like skin and it glistens in the rain. It is still and quiet outside, the rain falls straight down onto a ground that welcomes the moisture and prepares for the resting time of autumn. Namaste.

Ponderings on family...

2009-10-02T19:42:00.001-07:00

As I sit in my mother's dining room at her computer in a house that I grew up in, I am cannot help but think about family and connections. Everywhere I turn here there are a gazillion memories and I slip into being at home here so easily. I know where everything is (the fact that the house was frozen in time in 1974 does help with that), I have a great deal of comfort in being with my mom and we really enjoy each other's company.

I always convince her to drink red wine with me - she always insists that I have dessert with every meal and we find lots to talk and laugh about. I didn't always experience this degree of serenity in this house and some of the memories are of the struggles and troubles that every family experiences. The sting has gone from those years and what is left is a tender sweetness about all the times spent here.

My mother seems somehow timeless and although she seems a little more frail each time I visit, she is organized (balances her chequebook every month!), has a curious and enquiring mind, enjoys cooking and eating food that she has prepared (with a little assistance from M & M Meats) and harvested potatoes from her garden which we relished for dinner tonight. I have trouble imagining her not being waiting at the door for me when I arrive with a hug and some quick quip about how much luggage I am dragging into the hall. Having her here in this house has been a constant for me for all of my life and I have learned to treasure it - and her!

I did not get a chance to hug my children and grandbaby today and I miss them. The last time my daughter and I were here with my mom, my daughter was newly pregnant and as we all stood in the kitchen, we realized that the fourth generation was inside her and we marvelled over that. Now that grandbaby Kai is this powerful force in my life, I would love for my mom to hold him and have a chance to see this new blood-of-her-blood. I told her at that time that my dream would be to have ALL of my family close enough to touch regularly (like living on the same block would be good!). My mom, in her typically independent style, said that was my dream and she didn't share it - keeping her home and staying in it was most important to her and that would keep her a time zone and many kilometres apart from us.

I am coming to terms with all this - allowing each member of my family be who and how they want to be. I will continue to participate in having my dream realized - I hold this wonderful image of my mom, my daughter, my roly-poly grandbaby and me playing in a garden all together in the sunshine. Seeing that become a reality next summer would be very sweet!!

Grace in Small Things (#103)

2009-09-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

Grateful for Today #103 - Weaving a Wednesday

~ a day of diversity - office to myself - bookkeeping that MUST be done (yuck) and a visit from an old friend this afternoon
~ being busy with details but stopping to notice that the sun is really shining this morning~ wondering if I can fit in a walk...
~ after reading a timely piece in Simple Abundance - Sarah Ban Breathnach (seems she has an online version now - of course!) about business travel, I am going to pack differently - making sure I am truly taking care of myself next week, instead of just enduring the travel
~ my husband tells me that he has a commitment to post something positive about his day every morning on facebook - do you think after 35 years I might be rubbing off on him??

Hugs from a Virtual Community

2009-09-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

I am now a Believer. I have shared in the past about my skepticism for the reality of a community based only on the pixels of a computer monitor. How could it be the real thing - you know, connected, loving each other, count-on-able?! How do we really know who is on the other side of that blog, email, IM, facebook entry? Well, we don't - this is not a flesh and blood, I know you because I hug you kind of circle. It exists because we believe what we cannot see. And we trust that instinctive connection that comes from sharing from our hearts with no actual evidence. We don't have to touch each other to be touched, moved and inspired.

This morning I experienced this in a whole new way. I zipped over to my Grace in Small Things Blog to write my 5 Graces/Gratitudes for the day only to find an entry from one of my fellow blogger's daughter where she wrote on behalf of her mom to let the community (in the fullest sense of the word) know of the emergency surgery she had undergone the night before. There was an immediate response from around the world - those on the other side of the date line got the news from the middle of the night in Canada first and we have rallied tremendous love, energy and prayers for Elaine. I was in tears after adding my piece and understood on a whole new level what is possible through this little box that sits by my desk.

My passion is "connection" hence the title of my blog - I am always looking for places where we are connected at a deeper level. From sitting here at my desk in sunny Maple Bay, I am able to reach out to people who I love all over the world. This would have been called a miracle by my grandmother's mother who saw her daughter leave on a boat and didn't come back in her lifetime. I can take a photo on a digital camera, send it to my mom in an email for her to see her great-grandson in a matter of minutes. And I haven't caught up to the webcam, live action technology yet.

Wow, I am very clear that I am blessed. Blessed by all those around me, near and far! Reminded by a daughter who followed her mom's directions to send a message out not knowing " "how it works or who is out there..." We are, Talia, we are here!!

Busy-ness

2009-09-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

On a Friday afternoon, after a busy, good, but busy week, I am in contemplation of time. Presumably, this becomes a more relevant topic the older you become as I have reached the stage where it is whizzing by and I am often caught by surprise by the date. September 18th, already?! That means that fall is here and Christmas is around the corner (cue the barrage of ill-prepared Christmas dreams that for some reason are recurrent in my dream library... seriously, I dream over and over again that it is Christmas day and I haven't bought a single present, or food for Christmas dinner and the stores are closed! What does this mean?!)

I know that I could research and learn a lot more about time being relative (and the meaning of dreams) but what is a fact is that I have an experience of time stretching, being truly elastic in nature and allowing me far more comfort in dealing with the deadlines and tasks of my days. So, in contrast to the amazement I have at the zooming calendar pages (remember how they always showed time passing in the old black & white movies - calendar pages flying off the pad - who even has those pads of calendar pages anymore??), I have an ease and sense that there is time for all of whatever I need to do. Is this true? Frankly, that doesn't matter - I experience it that way and that is what counts for me.

As much as anything, I believe this relative serenity about time (time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future...) has been achieved through letting go and actually meditating regularly. (I do hate when I actually stumble upon what other people have known and practiced for many years - it makes me feel like I should have gotten it much sooner in my life - better late than never) I relate to time entirely differently when I am sitting - even for 5 minutes. Amazing! And you will be pleased to know that I am resisting trying to convert all my friends and family to my newly discovered truth and insist they all practice meditation and yoga - although I do mention it in my GiST blog regularly.

Any-whoodles (as my delightful Bloggy friend Extranjera would say), it is time to move on to another project. Thanks for reading my thoughts today!!

Dog days of summer?

2009-09-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

I wondered today why I have been noticeably absent from blogging - writer's block? change of focus? don't wish to bore you with more mushy exclamations about my exquisite grandson? I determined I am suffering from the 'dog days of summer'.

I have often wondered what that means (ooh - quick googling - ahem..."refers to the hottest, most sultry days of summer. In the northern hemisphere they usually fall between early July and early September"...- thank you Wikipedia) okay, so now I know! And it isn't early September any more but the sultry weather seems to have returned. Which I am thrilled about. But I know even in my most unwilling-to-accept-reality moments that these days are numbered and the numbers are dwindling - then it will be winter!

And I didn't really expect to still be here in my 'borrowed' house a year later. And I hadn't really thought beyond the move back to the island and getting going in a new direction. In fact, I have never been very good at making long term plans and then following through on them. So, what does this mean? Well, in a fable that impacted my consciousness at an early age, the Ant and the Grasshopper, I have always emulated grasshopper more than ant - hence the lack of significant retirement savings and solid means for my 'golden' years.

Now, I imagine there are a number of 'ants' out there right now whose carefully stored savings went for a powder in the last year and whose equity in the their homes vanished as quickly as the summer sunsets, so Aesop may not have the last laugh. I have no regrets about the uncharted, often unexpected expeditions in my life. I have learned to land on my feet, be grateful for what I have, be creative and responsive to opportunities and have confidence in my ability to weather the storms (holy mixed metaphors, Batman!). My desire to put down roots and plant a garden and adopt wayward cats comes to me rather late in my life. Better late than never, I figure. I am finally ready to putter about a little homestead and be happy with projects and knitting - and yoga - in my home.

So, Grasshopper, what now? (asks the wise Crone in me that I am learning to listen to). Well, as the dog days of summer wind down I am actually quite prepared for the winter. I am undertaking training and development - physical, professional and spiritual; I am looking forward to the miraculous growth and changes in wee Kai; I am improving my diet and taking on a cleanse for my body and spirit and I am already anticipating spring and the return to the long, hot days of summer. And it will be fascinating to see where I am this time next year!

How to be a mama AND grandmama?

2009-09-04T12:29:00.000-07:00

Seems all my posts lately begin with a deep sigh, a pause, then a moment of considering...hmmm. At least that is what I am doing as I sit and feel my fingers on the keyboard in preparation for typing out my thoughts (now you have the visual, too).

As much as my darling daughter is feeling her way on the unmarked path of being a mom, I am fumbling around, trying to figure out how to be a Grammy. Again, no manual - what is with this?! And my natural instincts guiding me?! I simply have none - I don't know how to do this. Oh, I get the cuddle the ridiculously adorable grandson bit - that is really easy. But the how to listen without advising (yeah, I know, as a coach I am supposed to be well trained in that) (but this is so personal and close), how to offer opinion without sounding like telling, how to let her find her way without rescuing? I am at a loss. I just want to help...

And I do have advice, I want to tell her how to do it and I do want to rescue her - that is the mom part of me. Sheesh. Just like my amazing son-in-law (acronym SIL - just figured that out, ok, I am a little slow) observed during the middle of a less-than-comfortable night with babe, "I didn't know it would be this hard". Uh huh, that is it in a nutshell - being a parent is not for the faint of heart.

And I think (ohh, I notice that I don't even want to type this), just like I had to bite my tongue, sit on my hands and manage my heart in watching my daughter grow up, I have to let them figure out this part too. They are already incredibly dedicated parents, committed to the physical, emotional and spiritual well-being of their son, ready to sacrifice and surrender to this process. Surrendering to a new life - to all the spills and thrills and sleepless nights. Accepting the tears and boo-boo's as well as the smiles that light up the world and laughter that is surely from the angels.

My role is to stand aside; to be available but not intrusive; to honour their willingness to take on the responsibility and to be gracious when they ask for help. We are all learning how to be.

I invite you to begin again

2009-09-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

September 1st - this has big significance for me every year. It doesn't matter that my school days are long past and that even my children's school days are a vague memory - this date means back to ... something. And what comes to mind is my dear friend Liann's saying of "I invite you to begin again". This has gotten me through more rotten times than I care to count.

We all fall off the wagon, in many ways, at many times in our lives. That wagon has been my metaphor for exercise, diet, schedules, organization, bookkeeping, housekeeping, letter writing and phone calls. And without knowing that I can begin AGAIN I would be a great deal more lost than I am. This is not to say that I don't feel misguided and misdirected on a daily basis, because I most certainly do, but lately I have had the sense that I actually know where I am going.

My writing, my meditation, my thoughts, even my menopause is purposeful. I can sense this direction in my actions, working towards a vision and while I struggle to articulate exactly the destination, I am certain there is one. This is different than ever before.

Okay, I do understand that this all sounds very vague and somewhat "woo-woo" but it is like my blog on God (waiting for perfection before publishing), the rumbling procession of my life seems very profound - to me. Stay tuned for details...

So, September 1st is perfect - the absolutely exactly correct date to begin again.

Photo by: DerNette Alex

Contemplative space and being Grammy

2009-08-30T19:13:00.000-07:00

Getting part way through a blog about God and realizing that I am not finished with it yet - nor am I prepared to "publish" prematurely, I honestly just figured out that I have less profound things to say.

Like:
- isn't it funny how spending time with a baby slows the world down to a much more reasonable pace?
- eating take-out pizza for dinner on Sunday is a really good idea
- I am amazed at how many people don't have rousing conversations - like, ever, at all... how boring that would be!
- my work provides me with the opportunity to have spirited conversations almost all day long, any given day - how great is that?
- living here, gazing over the ocean is an indescribable blessing - which I am very grateful for
- today I got to hang out with my daughter, my grandson, my husband, my son-in-law - talk to my mom on the phone, a good friend by cell phone and a whole bunch of bloggy friends - life is good!
- AND I have left over pizza for lunch tomorrow mmm...

How will I know when I get there?

2009-08-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

Ever had the feeling that you never get to the place that you are supposed to be? You know, when you reflect back on what your teenage dreams were and wonder (out loud sometimes, in my case), how did I get here?! I am sure you have, I think we all do - it is that curiosity and wondering that gets us into trouble.

(I wonder what it looks like over that hill? I wonder what will happen if eat those berries? I wonder what it would be like if I shaved all my hair off?)

I have been exploring consciously expressing my gratitude and appreciation for my life for some time now. I notice a signficant increase in my satisfaction with the day to day experience of being me and I really enjoy the little, funny moments that I might not have seen otherwise.

And still I am drawn to finding a measure that will let me know that I have "made it". I am done, baked, complete, satisfied and full. Since the typical financial watermark appears to be a huge stretch and in fact, I am convinced that calculating success by that standard has left us in this unsustainable mess, I can let that gauge go. In other realms of happiness, I am wealthy, I know this completely in my heart of hearts.

Perhaps this all has to do with the inner volcanic activity I am experiencing (okay, it is outward too - ask my husband about the flashpoints that he is subject to being close to me). One wise bloggy friend suggested that this stage of maturity, like adolescence, is in preparation for what is ahead. In other words, I will just know when I get there.

I hope there is a signpost!

ohhh... menopause

2009-08-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

This is what they all meant - crackerjack headaches, body temperature altering in 10 seconds or less, volcanic eruptions of emotions and wildly out of control feelings...

My friend noted yesterday that we don't necessarily observe the effects of a powerful supplement until we stop taking it and last night I was lying in bed, sweltering, agreeing with her. For the past two years I have been taking a health food supplement Menosense (this is not a commercial endorsement, really) which was a little expensive and you know, I couldn't really tell you why I took it. I wasn't really having the menopausal symptoms. I thought I must be somehow superior to those other women who suffered so. Hah! My body has made sure that I am humbled. I stopped the Menosense about 2 weeks ago and all of sudden I am no longer friends with the sack of flesh that is my own.

Now, this really doesn't seem fair (I know, I know, the Universe didn't promise that it would be), 35-40 years of menstruation (is this getting too graphic for you guys and women under 35? Sorry, think of it as educational), with all the wonderful euphemisms for that cycle; childbirth, and they really do mean labour to finish that process and the general mistreatment that women have endured for, well, ever! And now this - being held hostage by a traitorous,, uncooperative body and possibly two more years before it is all over and done. Hmphhh - next time? I would like to be reincarnated as a man (or a male cat).

To be fair, I am actually thrilled that I am the age that I am. There is wonderful freedom in being over 50. I am completely looking forward to the next stage of my life. I love being a Grammy (in case you hadn't noticed), appreciate my body (most of the time...) in ways I never thought possible and this sense of perspective that I have gained, wisdom, I presume it would be called is marvelous. I have more fun, I am more at peace and I enjoy simple pleasures that my 20 year old self would have sneered at.

Now about the sudden meltdowns that start at my toes and zoom at light speed to the top of my sweating brow? I am about done with that!

thank you, Joni Mitchell

2009-08-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

You know those days when you just have to steel yourself to get up and when you have that conversation with yourself in the mirror (I just presume that everyone talks to themselves in the mirror like me) you say to self:

Carol: Okay, today is another day and you can find the energy to zoom through this day.

Other Carol: Yeah, right... and you are going to keep this up for the next 15 years??

Carol: Of course, it is all about finding the inspiration for today and the appreciation of what is working in your life.

Other Carol: (sneering slightly) Suzy Sunshine this morning aren't you? Did you notice that it is completely overcast and dark this morning and it is August?!

Carol: Certainly, but that is why the Universe emails me every morning and I check in on other blogs when I start my day.

Other Carol: Good luck with that...

Well, fortunately, several of my bloggy friends posted this today and altered my morning:

As I watched this and goosebumps raised on my arms (no, Other Carol, it was not just cold in here), I realized that I was extremely thankful for Joni Mitchell, through all the stages and phases of my life, she has been there. Car on a Hill was my theme song for a while...

And this morning she reminded me that:

We are stardust * Billion year old carbon * We are golden * Caught in the devils bargain * And we've got to get ourselves back to the garden.

See you there... xo

Not a self help manual

2009-08-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

This is certainly not a "Life for Dummies" blog, I just want to make that clear! I realized that my last few entries have been titled "How to..." but I am less than an expert on most areas of my life. And I never imagined that I would find such a book cover and want also to let you know that I am not associated with the Watermark Community Church and this blog in no way reflects on them or their handbook.

The "How"in my previous titles is really a question. It is the most puzzling one that I tackle each day (ooh, deer just walked by my window and allowed me to be completely distracted briefly). Where was I? Oh yes, how? (Right now I would like to know how to take the operator of the chain saw who is disturbing me and drop him in the ocean?!). Hmm it seems that I am easily diverted from logical thoughts to watching my mind zig zag like the ball in a pinball machine. That seems much more entertaining this morning than the list of to-do's in front of me.

Sometimes, I just need a rest from earnest and serious writing, so I apologize if you thought you might learn something from me today. Instead, I am noting a desire to stay in the light and insignificant realm, not venture into the world where important and dreadful events are occurring. A friend shared with me yesterday about a speech that David Suzuki gave with business leaders in Toronto. Apparently he told them that we had replaced the monsters and gods we had to appease with the "economy" and "global tensions" and now we hide under the blankets in fear of the new boogymen. From what she told me, David was reminding us that we made up those old monsters and we have made up the new ones - we just have forgotten that part so they are very grave and menacing.

(Another interruption - the real estate agent - could my "borrowed" house have an offer to be sold? That would be a true disruption... pause to consider the 1.5 million boxes in the crawlspace...)

Fortunately for me, the sun is shining dispelling some myths and monsters this morning (and the chain saw just stopped) so I will put aside the wavering of intention and sally forth
(Verb1. sally forth - set out in a sudden, energetic or violent manner) into my day - perhaps over to the chain saw guy who started up again and give him a piece of my mind, since I appear to have a few to spare! Tally ho!

How to raise a child - Lesson One

2009-08-10T14:37:00.000-07:00

Having spent most of a week adoring my wee grandson, I have also had time to consider how my parenting may have impacting my amazing son. He, like Kai, is a firstborn child. He did not have the advantage of grandparents at close hand, nor a community which even though they are not parents are so in support of my daughter and son-in-law being Mom and Dad, not just the same party-ing buddies they used to have. There are many more aspects of my son's childhood which haunt me and I would re-do given another kick at it, but here are the ways that he did get good lovin':

1. His mom & dad stayed together, through thick and thin (and many bizarre episodes in between), providing consistency and an example of a couple working through it all;

2. He had the balance of both maternal and paternal loving and while as the maternal influence, I often thought that the paternal impact was odd and not the way I would have done it, I have come to see that both aspects are needed for harmony in maturity;

3. He was brought up in a community where he was exposed to many loving adults and children, diverse situations which allowed him to see that there are many ways to be a family;

4. He had the opportunity to listen to a huge variety of music and choose his own favourites;

5. He saw live theatre, dance performances, numerous sporting events and music concerts;

6. He explored outdoors - on his own with little supervision in the relatively safe environment of our housing co-op and beyond in parks and wilderness with us on adventures;

7. He got a trip to Europe and a year of post-secondary education paid for by the parents and learned a great deal from both;

8. He travelled to Mexico with the family and saw both extreme poverty and tourist-y luxury;

9. He was encouraged to speak his mind, tell his truth and share without consequence;

10. He was always loved, loved and loved some more.

As a new grandparent, I can see the trepidation of the new parents, "what if we screw this up?" and the overriding desire to keep the little guy safe and protected. Since kids don't come with handbooks and even if they did, the continuous updates would make them useless, we all just do our best, trust that will be enough and love our children some more. Love is the final answer!

How to stretch time?!

2009-08-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

Here I am at the end of Day (oh wait, rapid calculation required...) SIX of my brief holiday and I am typically considering the end. Hmmm... it has been delightful, filled with all the kinds of pleasures that I was looking for. I have had hours holding my wee grandson, lots of laughter with my daughter, an artsy movie with my son, time to walk and window shop alone (ok, a little bit of actual shopping) (one has to buy undies in the city when you have the opportunity...) and even a sushi lunch at 2:30 in the afternoon. Try that in Duncan!

I haven't had sufficient alone time to explore the inner landscapes I was hoping, but have realized that can come in small bites - moments of meditation at yoga class - a deliberate walk with myself during the day - and in this contemplative exercise of writing onto the glowing screen. The internal monologue - sometimes, dialogue - I am a Gemini after all - gets aired for public viewing.

Still and all, I would love it if I could make tomorrow last for another week - because I still haven't:
1) Walked to the ocean
2) Walked past my old house and leaned on the fence to really take a look at the garden and wonder how the bones of my cats are doing in the pet cemetery in the corner of the yard (did we tell the new people that? "Oh, and don't dig there, you might find several burial mounds with various tattered cat toys carefully arranged around the corpses")
3) Gone for tea, anywhere (it is Victoria, after all)
4) Called my brother (oh, sh*^ , I really should have done that - even though he doesn't believe in computers, he might find out from somebody that I was here, feeling guilty for having not called him...)
5) Written in my old fashioned, hand written journal (with the new pen that I bought at Island Blue Print - well, HAD to buy - there is nothing like that store in Maple Bay!)
6) Come to realize that I am completely energized and ready to dive back in to work and life without hours on end to gaze at my gorgeous grandson.

But that is what Days Seven, Eight & Nine are for!

How do we ever survive?

2009-08-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

Babies survive in spite of us, not because of us! Watching my daughter go through all the uncertainty and nervousness of being a first time mom, I realized that I went through exactly the same thing. It's inevitable - you react to every teeny noise they make, each motion of their bodies, each time they eat or don't eat, pee or don't pee - everything appears like a crisis in waiting. Without a current expert at your elbow every moment of the day one feels so alone. (And I say "current" because what was considered right or healthy for baby even 5 years ago is so silly, even laughable, you need to keep up with the immediate advice).

And since everyone has an opinion and the professionals often provide contradictory recommendations, it often boils down to our guts - does this "feel" right? Is my baby thriving and happy? Does this make sense? Seems scarcely enough data to raise a child on, yet most of us make it!

And I find that I wish I was a pediatrician, an experienced and gifted nurse or a trained adviser in some aspect of this journey they are on. My newborn experience was decades ago and in hindsight, is mostly a blur. Doctor's waiting rooms, emergency ward visits, consultations with other parents, I remember lots of those. Mostly I remember feeling very ill equipped for this role as someone's mom and somehow inadequate because it didn't all naturally come to me. What is with this idea that we should have all this knowledge inside of us?? Are human beings that more complex than the deer that roam around by my house? Mama Deers seems to know what to do. Yes, but what if their babies get constipated?

Time out?

2009-08-01T16:56:00.000-07:00

In contemplating a number of days off in a row (how many you ask? good question-pause to check...9, NINE whole days), I have realized that I am not very good at taking the time off. Even at this moment I am considering, briefly, checking my webmail for work - it is okay, I am controlling the impulse; it is only Day One.

I ascertained, with the assistance of my very gifted coach, Fiona (see, she should have a blog that I could hyperlink here, then you could all meet her), that I have actually been giving my family the short end of the vacation stick for the last.. ummm, ten years or more. You see, I only pretend to be on holidays, mostly. The only exceptions to this have been on extravagant Mexican travels where we acted as if we were rich and ignored the rest of the world for weeks on end - well, four weeks on end. The travelogues for those trips are exotic and wonderful and not what my bank account can support for the next eight days.

The other, shorter holidays mostly consisted of me pausing to answer the b-berry, checking webmail and worrying that my role might be eliminated before I get back to my desk. Not very relaxing for anyone who traveled with me, I am sure. I am committed to changing that.

For the next eight days, I am putting down the corporate baton, having provided my boss/colleague/friend with everything she needs to cover me. (Oh wait, I still have to type out an instruction sheet for her - I can get that done on Monday - that doesn't count, does it?) I have determined that I will focus on my family and friends, let them know that they really are the most important people in my life.

I am also going to spend some time by myself, which occurs like a luxury. I am called to exploring my spiritual side and internal landscape too. This is timely as the summer peaks on this first day of August. Reveling in each sunny, hot day, relishing each moment outside with very few clothes on, that is what will propel me into the fall.

And I will take time to blog - this expression of my thoughts is most enjoyable. I like writing to readers that I may not even know, as if they are my friends too. If you are one of those, thanks for reading. Wish me luck on the time out part - I may have to remind myself on occasion!

Wimmins...

2009-07-31T09:47:00.000-07:00

Wimmin: Women. A late 20th century creation. A feminist spelling to avoid the suffix men.

At the risk of once again offending the men in my life, I just want to give a big SHOUT OUT to the women of my virtual world. I am including those that I speak to by phone and text by cell phone as I count them as virtual because I can't hug them (at the moment).

In my relatively new exploration of the blogosphere, discovering the distinction between bloggy friends and RWP (Real World People), I have noticed that I am mostly in communication with other women in this world. Now, truthfully, I have always found it easier to talk to other women (with two notable exceptions - my husband because he has had 35 years to figure out my quirks and crazy bits and understands me when I am talking around my toothbrush - and my son, who has the distinct advantage of having half of my genes to be able to fathom what the hell I am on about). But the women I am daily spilling my guts with at Grace in Small Things from all over the world, from all different ages and backgrounds and the women whose blogs inspire me and tickle my fancy; they are special!

Again, my husband who has been developing on-line friendships far longer than me has told me of the capacity to establish connection in this impersonal, kinda suspiciously superficial internet world. I didn't really believe him. How do you know these are "real" people, not pretending to be nice when they are really mildly psychotic, small 'c' conservative, strangely twisted weirdos who only want access to your obviously top-secret email and your hush-hush, espionage covert operations?? (because we all have important documents on our computers that might risk national security if leaked, right?!).

Well, you don't - it comes down to trust, like most everything else in the world. I have faith that the women I share with and chat with and talk to are as real as me. Sometimes phony, often misconstrued, not always facing my less-than-perfect side, but warm blooded and mostly warm hearted and welcoming the vibrant connections and laughter generated each day.

My days are brighter, lighter and more fun for these glimpses into their lives. To the wimmin of my world - thank you, I love you!

Hotter than Hades

2009-07-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

Swimming in the Pacific Ocean this far north is a novelty to me. All I have ever done up here is dash screaming into the surf, grit my teeth until I can no longer stand the intense ache of my ankle bones (which is often as far as I get) and scurry back to the beach. And this is in August usually. I only ever enjoyed swimming in the ocean below a certain latitude which also carried a significant price tag to splash around in the water (and drink froo-froo beverages).

The last two nights, I have volunteered to walk down to the beach and swim in the waters of Maple Bay. My husband was shocked. Even more so when I really did it. I am not known as a water baby and conditions, as you may have gathered, have to be pretty perfect to entice me. Floating in water that is cool, lifting my arms and legs above into the super heated air has been delightful. I am converted. At least as long as the temperature stays above 28 degrees.

This weather is unusual enough to gain most of the headlines in the local news (Heat WAVE; hottest day ever recorded {I am not kidding - in Vancouver, BC, yesterday...}, fires and other hot news dominate). I think the sun is fading the photos on my windowsill and it is certainly bleaching the letters on my whiteboard.

I have begun to feel guilty for my indulgent pleasure in this heat. But only a little. I am a teensy bit anxious for my wee grandson, in the city with my daughter and son-in-law, (especially since she doesn't feel up to the travel to my house more in the country) but I figure if you can find a little relief from the hottest part of the day, you should revel in this. Soon enough, we will be complaining about the rain and snow!

I must add to this my gratefulness for the encouragement I have received from my blogging hero Extranjera. This woman is amazing and I feel as though I live next door to her. The glimpses of her life, through her words are funny, thought-provoking and always worth a giggle. And she likes my blog *blush*!!

Suddenly Last Summer

2009-07-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

I am reminded of Tennessee Williams on a day such as this. Blazing hot, sweltering in the shade, everything slowed down to the rhythm of the fan, still and calm. What else was central to Williams' plays was how the heat altered the people. Like alcohol, the intensity of the warmth has a profound effect on everyone. Especially because this kind of sultriness is quite alien to the west coast of Canada.

Bearing this aberration in mind, I will consciously make room for the somewhat cranky, out-of-sorts behaviour around me, including my own. This is not a time to be making life altering choices.

In this white hot heat and the aforementioned seismic activity from the birth of Kai, I am reminded to "let go and breathe". We don't have the generations of cultural adaptation to such warmth and have no traditions to respect it. This is the time of siesta and dining late in the evening. This is the perfect time to paraphrase Scarlett O'Hara (can you tell that Gone With the Wind also had a radical influence on me?) "It's too hot to think about that now, let's talk about that tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." (okay, you have to have the visual too, right? The southern belle, sighing with hand to brow??)

Being light in the heaviness of an unexpectedly tropical high pressure ridge - that is my challenge today.

Earthquakes and aftershocks...

2009-07-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

While I had an inkling about how baby Kai would rock my world (I have been blogging/writing/talking about it for 9 months!), I am astonished at how quickly the shockwave has spread (okay, I am mixing metaphors here, but you get the planet altering effect that I am talking about, right?). Tia said he would change our world.

I have been crying off and on for two days - happy tears for the most part - but still unusal for me to wipe off all my mascara by 9 am twice now! I am leaping into risky conversations as the space seems very open for communication right now. I have spoken with people that I have not talked to for over two years; I am inviting people to visit and be around us all; I am accomplishing results without effort; people are saying things to me that I just never expected. I am observing shifts and metamorphoses (is that really the plural of metamorphosis?) all around and this, as I pointed out, is Day 2.

Catalyst: an agent that causes an interaction between persons or forces without being affected itself - thy name is Kai.

We welcome you and embrace the changes.

A baby is born...

2009-07-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

My life changed direction yesterday - suddenly, inexplicably and completely. The wondering and pondering about the new role, the strange doppelganger experience of having your daughter pregant with a child, the oddly remote sensation of touching her huge belly feeling the baby push back, the flashback quality of the memories of being in the same state - all of that is gone! The minute I witnessed that little human being on my daughter's chest, still attached to her physically but already interacting independently with his world, I realized in my bones that my world had shifted. I cannot wait to spend time with him, to talk to him, read to him, sing with him, laugh with him. From here, this vantage point of a generation removed, I get to be engaged with him from the time honoured status of grandmother.

Now, this whole "elder"thing has me a little daunted - it implies wisdom, experience and knowledge. Yah, uh huh, okay... not so sure about that part. However, I get a glimpse, no more than a glimpse, it is a gut level certainty about how connected we are - he is blood of my blood. I will have the privilege and responsibility for his safety in the world, his outlook on it all, how he will associate and communicate and how he will feel about himself. But I get to do all of this not from the intense, direct, sometimes overly myopic perspective of a parent but from over here where it is both a choice and a duty.

Being a grandparent - this is the playground where parents get to "do-over". I get the tremendous opportunity to be for baby Kai all the ways I wish I had been with my kids, knowing what I know now.

I am starting to get this whole circle of life thing (cue the Disney theme song...).

Finally, I want to acknowledge that I was able to experience this miracle of him being born, to have been of service to Tia and Jesse, who openly and willingly shared this incredible moment in their lives. They welcomed me to be with them, not as an observer but as an integral part of Kai's birth. I am humbled by this common occurrence that happens all over the world many times every day and each time results in this magical little being, whose life is just beginning; such unimaginable potential in their perfect tiny fingers, untapped brilliant thoughts in that sweet, little head.

I am blessed!!

There are other faces I remember....

2009-07-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

It was brought to my attention that I may have slighted the entire male half of the species in my last blog. It was pretty much focused on the "fairer sex". And I realized that if the blogger-that-I-aspire-to-be-one-day Extranjera should happen to read only yesterday's blog, she would be saying "Woman, lighten up, inject a little humour in this or I will not be your follower anymore and you will be down to only TWO". Can't have that happen...

So, in an effort to be fair, I will share with you the gifts, blessings and magical moments that the men in my life have bestowed upon my daughter. I can think of 3 special men who have had an impact on her life. The first gave her mystery and wonder - absolute acceptance of who she was and honoured her power in the world. The second gave her humour and fun - a knowing that it was okay to play video games, collect strange and wonderful objects that were sacred in their own way and to read comic books and MAD magazines. The third and with no doubt the most important is her father. He gave her fearless adventure, a knowing-ness that she could tackle anything and an embracing of the path to awareness, no matter where it takes you!

And to balance it all, she had her big brother, who not only taught her to fart and belch on demand, to appreciate the masculine side of her being and to love ferociously!

Alright, that still reads as a little smarmy - not the macho blog I had in mind when writing it in my head last night (Extranjera, do you do that? What do the big-time bloggers do to prepare for the journey into blogdom??). Still and all, my darling daughter is the woman she is from the grace of all the people she has had her life!

Next, I will have to share with you how my son got to be the mad improv artist and extraordinary man that he has become...

There are faces I remember...

2009-07-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know those are not the correct lyrics but that is what comes to mind. I have a lovely photo holder on my window sill with many little photographs of friends and family. These are the people that I share my day with and it amazes me that how often during the day my eye is drawn to them and I get a chance to think about them and remember.

I was recalling in spending time with some dear amigas on the weekend the contributions of the women in my life to my daughter. At this time when she is so close to motherhood, we were reminiscing about her as a precocious toddler, adventurous (well, fearless) ten year old and outrageous and brave teenager. We all have incredible memories of her. And I was able to acknowledge 3 of her 'other mothers' for what they gave Tia. One gave her the gift of intuition, trusting her gut and following her natural ability to see beyond the physical; another provided her with a passion for the garden and growing things, digging in the earth and blessing Gaia; the third bestowed her with magic, an owl feather and opened the door for her to see her path as a healer connected with her spirit.

I am clear that my darling daughter would not be the woman she is without the other women being there for her. Those three and many others that I was blessed with having on my own journey will stand with her now as she takes the next steps.

Birthdays, births and growing pains

2009-07-14T07:57:00.000-07:00

I decided that if I couldn't be a super hero, I could at least be a super hostess, so throwing a big celebratory party was a good expression of my able-to-leap-tall appetizers abilities. And a successful soiree was enjoyed by all including the 60 year old birthday boy! I love the role of hostess, taking care of guests, making sure food and beverages are out and organized. I get to enjoy the party from a different perspective.

Next on my horizon is the imminent birth of my grandson. I am part of the birth "team", a concept that was quite foreign in the olden days of my children's births. For my generation it was a big step to have Dad in the labour and delivery rooms. While I suspect the whole team will not be there for the entire event; we may work in shifts - I hope to be there for the actual birth and I am nervous. My experience ("I dunno nuthin' 'bout birthin' babies, Miz Scarlett...") is only my own kids' births and I don't know how that prepares you for anything. It is mostly a blur of pain and ecstacy. But, I am honoured to be asked to support, love my daughter, son-in-law and this new being more than I can describe, so I will be of service.

Being of service - that is where I can lose my ego, discover endless patience, calm and order, find depths of understanding and abilities that I don't know that I have. I understand why women (and men) would choose a life of service in religion. There are tremendous rewards!

This is my meditation for this week - topic for thought and consideration. Being of service - including being of service to me - what does that look like and how does it serve the greater good?

So much for letting go...

2009-07-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

Well, what to make of the message from the universe today? After relaxing my stranglehold on the control levers and practising breathing and being assured that all is as it should be, a phone call with my elderly mom 700 km away resulted in a frantic call to the neighbour, the hospital and hours in emergency for my mama. Turns out she wasn't having a stroke (my layperson diagnosis over the phone) but has a terrible virus causing extreme dizziness and disorientation. My mom's next door neighbour not only stepped up to be with her while the paramedics were doing their thing but went back to check on the cat, then got up at 4 am to drive her home from the hospital. A shining knight, indeed!

Of course my little mind which always snaps to finding the connections, however obscure, figured out that my release of superhero role, thus revealing my secret identity to the world, resulted in the classic comic book catastrophe that always befell Superman when he decided to hang up the cape. The evil do-ers of the planet (in this case those nasty viruses) took advantage of my moment of weakness. What is a gal who vaguely resembles Clark Kent to do??

Once again, in the clear sunny light of day, I can find the humour in the situation, but last night as I contemplated chartering a plane so that I could be at my mom's bedside, my "trust" was a little shaken. Maybe it was just a challenge to my process... after all, not really a crisis; my mom is home, woozy, but alright and it all got managed, right? Well, yes.

So back to the mantra - trust-trust-trust - all is as it should be!!

Let go!! Part 2

2009-07-09T08:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, now I am envisioning when you are a little kid and another kid who wants to be your friend but has disgusting sticky and filthy hands grabs onto you. You shake your arm violently and yell "Let GO!!". Having woken from a seemingly endless looping dream of needing to be in control of various situations, including taking care of my children, grandchildren and all the global disasters, I have realized that letting go isn't as simple as it sounds.

I have some signficant attachment to remaining attached.

In fact, I am convinced that if I don't keep scanning the horizon for the next attack/accident/crisis with shoulders tensed and adrenaline ready to shoot through my body that "my" world will quite possibly collapse. After all, it has been my vigilance that kept body and soul together for me and my extended family so far, isn't it?

This seems silly as I re-read it but that is contrary to the sensation that I have in my gut - this feels very grim over here in this sack of watery flesh. I actually operate in the world like I have the responsibility for taking care of it all. And I take on this grave duty very seriously, in case you hadn't noticed.

Now, there is good news... having noticed the extent of being gripped by this super hero delusion, I have an opportunity to hang up the cape. Bad news is that it is double knotted around my neck, so it might take a little loosening before I can take it off.

I always laugh with my coaching clients when the "trust" thing comes up - it is so consistent in everyone's conversation, how it all rolls back to trust. Coach, listen for thyself - uh huh, I can do this! My note from the Universe this morning http://www.tut.com/ (shout out to Mike Dooley) said that I will "prevail, thrive and arrive". I will trust that this morning!

It's raining, it's pouring

2009-07-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

...the old man is snoring - funny how those childhood rhymes don't go away but I forget to take out the garbage on garbage day.

The power of intention - that has me be curious today. Yesterday I fully intended to be successful in my phone calls and have some completed registrations for our summer course. Nothing, nada, zip, zero, "thank you, no", "not right now", "I will think about it"... not the responses I was looking for. Which has me pause and wonder about my focus and ability and what I am missing.

What comes to mind is the tattoo on my daughter's wrists (and probably the only phrase I would consider inking on my body) "Let go" "and breathe". Letting go - I am not so good at that. I am much more skilled and experienced in the pitbull method - you know, hanging on with jaws locked beyond all reason and logic?! Setting an intention and trusting the universe? Seems dodgy and somehow, well, lazy. Yet I know that when I hear the words "make it work" in my head that I am in the ferocious hanging on state and almost always unsuccessful in my efforts.

So, (deep breath - that is the "breathing" part) I am letting go of the outcome today. (Sure, sure, says the voice in my head - and how do you think that is going to work out?) No, really, I am going to shift my attention to other tasks, get to work on areas that I can make a difference in and trust that the universe will provide the responses that are needed. Must keep breathing consciously today - otherwise letting go is not an option.

Walkin' the Talk...

2009-07-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

I know in my head that the act of appreciation shifts perspective and even grasp the concept that it alters one's physiology, but I never cease to be amazed when it works!! Yes, being consciously grateful for even the small things in my life lifts the cloud around my head and allows words to pour out and ideas to come to the surface. Hmph, can it be that simple? Is that really all it takes to be happy? My complicated mind is convinced that this is not real and the melancholy that was with me when I woke up is the actual reality of today. How ridiculous human beings are!

What is interesting is noting how I jump to the justification of the moodiness - almost like I deserve to feel sad. Funny that - I don't have the same automatic inclination to feel really happy. Must be the hard wiring!

Either a resounding YES or it's a No

2009-07-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

It is either a resounding YES or it is No...

I read this on another friend's blog (She posts on Grace in Small Things http://graceinsmallthings.ning.com/) which I joyfully participate in most every day and the thought has been rattling around in my brain ever since. I am holding up that question to every facet of my life and frankly, it is a little unsettling. While I have reached an age where I am much more declarative, arriving here came through convoluted pathways and often from veering right off the map of my life as I knew it. And I feel as though I might still be a tourist not a resident of the emphatic Affirmative Town. And I often am gripped by the need to apologize right after I state a resounding YES (or NO).

So, in the spirit of playing a game today, as trying on states of being in play allows a little room for fun, I am only taking on steps, tasks, decisions, choices that I can give a heartfelt YES to. I will see what comes out of a day of that...

(I am disregarding the immediate desire to delete that declaration - too bold, too risky, too selfish, etc - and will report back on what the experience is like!)

Maple leafs and flags and changes

2009-07-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

Spending Canada Day with good friends on an unusually hot July 1st and in a breathtakingly beautiful place allowed me to pause mid-week and once again get a measure of the brilliance of my life. Observing my dear friend as she absorbed news about a serious health challenge for her elderly father, watching as different aspects of the awareness struck her, I was impressed by her strength and grace. She didn't resist when emotions passed through her, didn't avoid us as the gathering and Canada day celebration went on in her lovely home, allowed us to be there, shared with us when it felt right. Today, she is flying off to be with family as they deal with the crisis, which is perfect and appropriate. I hope that we provided her with some space in between, to be with her feelings and to see the continuity of life as her daughter and grandchildren played in the sun with those of us fortunate enough to be in her circle of community.

This brings to the surface once again the inevitability of my mom's departure. Of a similar age as my friend's father, I am always somewhat waiting for a call with news of a signficant change in her well-being. Not living near her seems harder and harder as she ages, determined as she is to remain alone in her familiar home. I have reconciled with her choice of staying put and honour her commitment to her home and cat yet I am fearful that no one would be there if something catastrophic occurred. An interesting balance - a pull to be there for her, take care of her and an equal and opposite tug to be here with the imminent birth of the grandbaby. Obviously, I chose a long time ago to make my life away from the city of my birth and don't regret having become a west-coaster, but certainly wish for the invention of instant transportation in the event of really good or bad news!

Wisdom, but at what price?

2009-06-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, this morning as I was putting on my makeup - a daily routine that is always done with a little dialogue with the woman in the mirror (shout-out to MJ) - I considered whether wisdom is ever attainable without deterioration of the physical being? For I am finally figuring out some fundamental truths about me and life and at the same time discovering that I ain't as young as I used ta be...

So, I wondered if we ever recognize a sage in a young person or whether that is discarded as brash arrogance? And if that is so, which I suspect it is, what is needed to shift our awareness of wise people sooner on our path - especially if they are our peers or children, because wouldn't this be much simpler if we just accepted the messages from the universe that drip onto our heads 10,000 times until they leave an impression?

This actually just firms my resolve to live to 100, an active, happy, energetic 100 years where I actually get a chance to do something with my new found grace and awareness. Particularly because right now I don't seem to be very masterful in this realm - I need a few more years at least to gain some confidence and a lot more conversations with the bleary eyed reflection when I wash my face!

Need it be brilliant?

2009-06-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

While I have been exploring the worlds of my blogging companions and noticing how connected I feel to them, I have come to realize that what really works for me is to read something from them every day. When one of my 'regulars' takes a well deserved day off and does not coincide with one of my days off, I am disappointed that I missed my glimpse into their lives. This and the brilliant conversations I had with colleagues last week about the powerful affiliations created in our social networks has inspired me to write far more often.

Not a day goes by when I haven't had pause to consider an aspect of my life, so, why not share?

Today, I noticed that I am ready for more than 2 or 3 days off in a row - yes, it is time for a holiday. However, I have not structured my life to accomplish this in the current glory days of summer. My next extended period away from work will be in the next 2-3 weeks, answering the baby hot-line and rushing to share in the labour and delivery of the grandbaby. Not exactly mai-tai, margaritas, mango daiquiris (insert beverage of choice) on the beach, hmmm?

This leads to thoughts about taking care of myself, appreciating my contributions and creating not only the time but the means to vacate (that just doesn't cut it as the verb for vacation, does it?). Since I am now an "independent contractor" in the parlance of the new world of business, that means no paid vacation time, which I had really taken for granted after 4 years of working in a corporate structure. So, how to accomplish this? Well, my financially oriented friends would be able to assist me in a budget planning session where I carefully put away sufficient funds for a planned holiday in the future. That and the coaches I surround myself with who can assist with finding the structure to support my self-love commitment should do the trick. In the meanwhile, days with the new baby and stolen hours in the sun during on a glorious day during the week will have to suffice. Truly mini-holidays...

Ridiculously grateful for my life

2009-06-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

Sunshine nourishes my soul, there is absolutely no question about it! The glorious heat this week, starting with the first glimpses of the sun through the blinds and stretching into the magical last remnants of light in the sky at 10:30 at night enjoyed on the deck, has been unlike anything I remember in June on Vancouver Island. Sitting in my office, lightly sweating from the exertion of tapping keys on my keyboard, now that is much more like Mexico. Big smile on my face!!

I chose the "unlimited" class option on the yoga classes for this term (hey, it was $12 more than 2 classes per week, what a bargain!) and I have been taking in 3 classes a week. Three 90 minute yoga classes in a beautiful little studio, with wonderful yoga teachers, laughing, stretching and contorting in the warmth has been well, I have nothing to compare it to - never done this before. But the way my body feels, so well used, so open and loose? This is a practice that I will continue for the rest of my life! Yoga has kept me sane this last month as I gritted my teeth through the various inconveniences and frustrations of my husband's broken foot and consequent complications. Don't get me wrong, I have tremendous appreciation that it was not occurring in MY body and no lack of sympathy for the awful state he was in. I just wasn't completely selfless in my service to his situation and needed the graceful exit to the yoga studio to regain my calm.

The "borrowed" house has been shown a few more times - one pretty serious potential buyer. She will be looking again tomorrow and I suspect an offer will be forthcoming. This will set in motion the anticipated moves and changes and I am very ready. Careful consideration and setting intention for the next locale has been done and I am making some very specific requests to the Universe for our next home. Timing to have it all done and me settled into the new routine by September would be ideal.

Meanwhile, I will continue to express my heartfelt gratitude for my life as it is. In my observance of the quirky (but completely human) workings of my mind, I have also taken on expression of thankfulness for the power of creation through saying it will be so. Jean Luc Picard had it right; "Make it so". I am here because I said this is what I wanted. I am (dare I say it?) CONTENT!

I want to make sure to give credit for the beautiful artwork at the top of my blog - the artist is Chris Chun (http://www.chrischun.com/) and this piece, called Poppy Vase Teacup summed up the glory of today.

Considerations on the walk through viewing of my life - redux

2009-05-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

Just had the first walk through of the house, while I was sitting here...

ohh - hating technology right now - just completed a lovely blog post and then deleted it accidently because I wanted to get rid of a flippin' photo... ARGHH

Will now and try and recreate my thoughts...

Having the realtor and her clients peering in every cupboard, checking out every nook & cranny, peeking into my walk in closet, snooping in my bathroom and discussing the merits/drawbacks of the house that I am borrowing, I became very aware of my reaction and apparent need to have a home of my own! A home without a landlady upstairs, discouraging planting a garden and very territorial about the flowers that are there; one where the board of directors doesn't have the power to determine that my lifestyle and life don't "fit" in their co-operative community; one where there is not a For Sale sign in the yard advertising the fact that I will have to move, likely sooner not later. A home where I can unpack my stuff and recycle my boxes and settle in.

I find that that tears shine in my eyes when I type that - a reaction that isn't completely surprising given that my horoscope (thank you, Georgia Nicols) and numerology (thank you, Janyne Sinclaire) have clearly stated this is the time to sort out my home base and get grounded for the future, but the intensity of the emotion is unexpected. Having "the" home was about 4 1/2 years into the next 5 year plan, given that being able to qualify and pay for a mortgage was the prerequisite for the purchase. Seems that this has jumped the priority list and now is the time for contemplation of what that means.

Home - an inquiry about distinguishing the significance of that word has begun. What makes where I live my home? Well, here are the key elements:

- Unpacking, settling and not moving for a long time

- Proximity to the people I love

- A kitchen conducive to cooking with and for said people

- In a neighbourhood that I want to hang out in

- In an environment that calls me to be outside and active

Everything else is up for grabs and becomes the wish list - these are the deal-breakers. Oh yes, and SOON is the timeline. Which is timely as I have committed to examining the 5 year plan this weekend and coming up with the framework and how it will merge with the business and corporate plan also in the works.

So knowing the bank account balance and lacking a fairy godmother in the closet (maybe the realtor left one...), imaginative and creative solutions are called for. And respecting my very visceral reaction to other people, potentially the new owners, viewing where I live, a degree of urgency for resolution arises.

And I knew that - I am not a happy gypsy and honestly, the last 10 years have been about contemplating moving, planning the next move, packing and unpacking, but not throwing away the boxes as they will be needed again - it really is time to come home.

Trials of Translucent Transcendent Transformation

2009-04-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

The pertinent word is "Trials" as much as I love the alliteration of the title. You see, I have a partially completed five year plan in my journal-of-all-sorts. I got stalled out midway through 2010, not even able to envision past then. I realized that this time in the world, which is so magical and brimming with possibility is also so damned uncertain that I don't have the foggiest idea where I will be in 2014, much less what I will be doing. I guess I need two five year plans. One is the world transformed, the Venus Project will be flourishing, we will have reached an unimagined level of awareness and awakening. We will have brought forth an environmentally sustainable, spiritually fulfilling and socially just human presence on Planet Earth (Awakening the Dreamer) and my grandchildren will be cavorting in my garden with me.

Well, as my blog is now being written as stream-of-consciousness, bear with me...for I have changed my mind - I don't need two five year plans - I only need that one. For the alternative is not one which I will give any energy to - not even for speculative contrast. We don't need to be reminded of that future; it is apparent all around us. There are many who will continue to describe it, discuss it and wait for its seeming inevitable outcomes.

Not me! But not from my usual Pollyanna place because that has not been particularly effective or powerful. What I am seeing as I type this is my responsibility - to complete the vision of the five year plan - and to live it through my actions. Support and defend the visionaries, bolster the continuation of the dialogue fiercely and be absolutely unwilling to accept anything less. It remains surprising to me how much I am being called to be ferocious and how clear the messages are that all other ways of being are no longer acceptable. I feel as though I don't even have any choice, everything else feels hollow and incomplete.

While the path is not yet clearly marked, the destination is and "We're off you know to a distant land And the only ones allowed to come are those who feel they can" (Klaatu - 1977'ish). Will you join me??

More magic than I ever imagined!

2009-03-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

This is an image of my yet-to-be-born grandson... I just have to pause after typing that because I am truly overwhelmed by all the emotions the image evokes. Compared to last month's blurry snapshot and the primitive, grainy suggestions of something on a Polaroid that were ultrasounds for my kids (I know, I know, back in my day...), this is like getting to see the trailer before the movie - wow, there he is!

Snuggling up to my darling daughter this past weekend, ensconced on the couch with a blanket, very conscious that it is now 3 of us all curled up, I was graced with a moment of indescribeable gratitude. Into this circle of loving family, "our" baby will be encouraged, supported, cared for, played with, taught and shared. And truthfully, that is the part that excites me - that I get to share this new baby, he is part of MY family.

And as spring slowly progresses, it seems we did not get our little teaser of really warm weather in March this year. Those of you on the west coast of Canada will know, the days in March when it reaches +15 and you think, YES, winter is over, just before the temperature falls and the grey rains set in again. Not even a taste of that yet, which is just as well, because I always find it so disappointing that the heat hasn't really arrived.

This year, my days are marked by the birds - in my office, my eyes are often drawn to the sky or the enormous trees across the street to the movement of my winged friends. My neighbour, a saint to all creatures, feeds flocks of the birds and I get the bonus - many of them hang around my house. Unfortunately, this also means they semi-regularly fly into my windows despite having flagged the windows with stuff. Poor little things, they hardly stand a chance with our intrusions on their world.

Life is abundant in all respects right now, coming back to my gratitude. Each day is magical, indeed!

Waking up to birds

2009-03-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

This week, despite the freezing cold weather, (at least for this part of the world), I have been wakened by the insistent and persistent voices of the birds outside my window. They know that it is supposed to be spring even though the weather man does not share their enthusiasm.

I have been creating practices that support my well-being this past several weeks, having done an inventory of the broken promises of fitness and health strewn across the landscape of winter. I am always surprised by the extent to which my sense of wholeness and integrity are affected by my physical body. This is no revelation for many of my commitedly fit friends but for some reason, this knowledge rarely empowers me.

I have been making use of a beautiful Moleskine journal that my son gave me for Christmas to capture thoughts and images that reflect being inspired and energized in my life. Since I impose very strict rules on my journal writing (has to be handwritten, in a beautiful script, using each page, every line, no spelling errors, dated for review and consideration - very legible in case my memoirs get published etc...) this freedom of sticking cut out pictures from magazines, colouring and drawing and without form and order is very freeing! And it has resulted in inspiration for a lean, strong, peaceful me. I have discovered that I want to exercise and stretch, walk regularly, meditate each day. That is a huge breakthrough for me. Now I will take that momentum into continued action and realize the vision of that Carol striding up the hill and running on the beach.

Shifting gears - changing seasons

2009-02-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

We made it through February - yahoo! I don't get a sense of the challenge of holding my breath for a whole month until I realize that I am exhaling again! February, every year of my memory, is a challenge. No statutory holidays - the obligatory Valentine's guilt-laden tradition, short, cold days and even colder dark nights - what is there to love? Well, from this buoyant perspective of March 1st - it is over! Now, we can get on with the rest of year and all the worthwhile spring, summer days to look forward to.

I had company for dinner last night and reveled in the opportunity to hang out in the kitchen preparing food from recipes that I had drooled over and anticipated making and sharing. My kitchen features a counter where people can gather on stools participating in the preparation and encouraging by tasting and sipping wine with me while I bustle around completing the final steps for dinner. It is one of my favourite things to do - try a new combination of flavours and watch my friends and family enjoy the outcome.

And the conversations - somehow the act of gathering for a meal warms our souls, opens our minds and allows for free wheeling and fabulous discussions! I have noticed a tone of optimism and possible transformation in the discourses I have been engaged in. Even with the self-proclaimed cynics in my crowd, there is a sense of possibility and grudging respect for what is working in the world around us. Whether it is the burgeoning buds on the trees, foreshadowing the luxurious leaves to come, or the cozy atmosphere created on an evening of convivial breaking of bread, it was delightful to acknowledge that I have survived another winter.

I am anticipating the weeks ahead - the promise of spring in the air and the communications that come out of a hopeful state of mind.

No lack of wisdom

2009-02-17T11:10:00.000-08:00

1928 “When the great leaders of banking and industry can see no further than the artificial prosperity that comes to Big Business while those who toil on farms are getting no return for their labor, then indeed we have a right to question the wisdom of our financial leaders.” George Norris, in “The Farmers’ Situation, a National Danger”

Laying in bed last night, curled up next to my husband, safe, warm and ever grateful for this simple pleasure which I get to experience nightly, I had the the seedlings of this blog germinating in my head. I remember wondering as I drifted off to sleep about the circles and cycles of us simple creatures.

Every where you turn right now, you can read a quote from the 1920's & 30's which could easily be describing our situation today. And going back further into history, from this perspective, you can see the pattern repeating over and over. Many minds have come to this same conclusion (hence the interest in quotations from the time) and yet, here we are again - this always puzzles me. However, having observed my own tendency to mindlessly rerun the same behaviours that were not effective the first, second or third time, I am clearer on the apparent hard-wiring.

This is clearly not because we don't have the knowledge about how to interrupt - we most certainly do. Interfering with the habits which don't serve us is the basic premise of all spiritual growth so when do we actually put this logic into action?? This seems to me to be the next jump in our evolution - and the piece that needs that inexplicable leap forward - baby steps are not going to cut it!

Once again this esoteric conversation gets grounded in reality with me. Current status of "grammy-to-be" has this talk of evolution or extinction of our species seem very important. I am sending energy for this little person to have not only great brilliance but to gain practical wisdom at an early age. A generation of young people trained from birth in observing their habitual nature and getting that they have a choice - now that will make a significant difference. Perhaps that is the gift my peers as the elders can be sharing with our wee ones. Gentle reminders, as grandparents can, of the virtue of "wanting to do the right thing, in the right way for the right reasons" (from Barry Schwartz' talk on TED www.ted.com posted yesterday).

This is not very different than the talks I had with my Gammy - she always advised me to "get the work done first" and look for the best in people. Pretty good advice for a great life. I hope to be able to grandmother as well as she did. Oh, and by the way - the ultrasound today indicated we should expect a boy - woo hoo!

Patience...patience

2009-02-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

Challenging times call for uncommon responses, right? Remarkable people stepping up and inventing and creating from nothing, agreed? So, then, why is it that I feel so flat and incapable of digging up enough energy to keep going this week? After all, we survived January, the days are indisputably longer and spring seems like it will return after all.

After spending a signficant amount of time researching and organizing a day of planning for the enterprise I am involved with that would set a new course and send us off renewed and excited about an unimagined future, it just didn't come off quite that resoundingly. Now, there are lots of reasons, all understandable and what was accomplished did make a difference, don't get me wrong. I do comprehend that when you pause to look at where you will be in 5 years and fill in the blanks for the backwards timeline, it is easy to get bogged down in detail. Where I find myself is wondering what it will take to change direction as a species, like really?!

Because if two committed and exceptional women who have powerfully spoken an incredible vision for human beings and have promised to be responsible for their part in it, cannot put aside the standard view of business for 8 hours, then how can I expect that our leaders, both corporate and political will have what it takes to respond to what is ahead?

Hmm, seems I am knee-deep in overwhelm this morning - no wonder my morning has been a slog to get through and I was over an hour late in starting my day. Here is where it gets interesting - whatcha going to do about it, Carol?? Where to find inspiration and faith when it all looks a little bleak? Well, reliably in my life, the solution has been to get into action. Make that phone call that I was putting off, dive into the tasks that I have been procrastinating on, jump in somewhere where I can immediately see results (washing dishes always has that effect!).

So, this morning, this Monday to begin this week, I will be grateful, remember who I am and believe - just, believe.

Business as unusual?

2009-01-22T09:10:00.000-08:00

A flurry of comments, twitters, facebook entries, blogs over this week about the change ahead! I have only blurry memories of President Kennedy, certainly not enough to be able to judge whether Barack Obama compares favourably. But neither do the majority of us utilizing the electronic media for our delivery. All I will write about, as the knowledgeable pundits will be chewing on the phenomenom of Obama-mania for a long time, is President Obama's comment about the "price and the promise of citizenship" and our duties and responsibilities.

I am considering this week the next five years of my life - time for the next five year plan - not just my own progress, but what the collaboration with my colleagues, partners, husband, children and friends will accomplish. It is both an org chart and a design for life. The most critical piece, the element which is the most challenging for me is to formulate the outline without repeating it "as usual". I am building this edifice outside the box, an architectural blueprint for a building without walls or floors which still supports, encloses and holds safe those within. How the hell do I do that?!

Now, I know how to write a business plan, how to organize an enterprise, how to manage a team and I even believe that I operate at a high level with consideration for the future and a willingness to incorporate sustainability. But all of the methods of doing business, all the practices I have developed over the years do not prepare me for this. And yet this is the most significant strategy I have ever created at the most pivotal moment, not only in my life, but in my time. And quite frankly, I am confounded. I don't know what I am doing - not a comfortable place to be sitting, I assure you.

Yet, as I allow myself to explore and relax into thoughts where my busy mind doesn't usually plumb, I begin to observe the faint markings of a trail. There are clearly others ahead, pioneers seeking the same destination. And this is where the responsibility part comes in. In order to conceive of a hereafter that does not replicate what has been, I must also be willing to cast off into unmapped territory. I cannot generate a new way from what I know how to do. I have to trust that the outcome, while not assured as successful, will provide the results essential to keep playing. This is the long game. And it has a cost and an assurance. The price is giving up our fundamental knowingness to travel this perilous path; the promise is what Barack Obama said:

"This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny."

Yes, even me.

Stay tuned - I will happily share the outcome of the day of planning.

(The image above is a wordle of this blog - if you haven't yet, check out http://www.wordle.net )

Days of fog

2009-01-17T10:21:00.000-08:00

Interesting that it took almost a week of fog, completely concealing Maple Bay, for me to realize that I, too, have been in a fog for the last while. Oh, I justify it with the "it's January" line and give myself all kinds of reasons that it is okay to be sleeping in and not out walking. This morning I realized how pervasive both the murkiness of the weather and my state of mind have been. As quite often occurs, the "aha" came in a coaching a client, for which I am eternally grateful for being a coach - I always get as much value as the person I am coaching. What became apparent was that the next year is going to be a roller coaster of ups and downs and the sooner I get onto the ride, the quicker I will be zooming along.

I have been resisting what is possible this year - looking at the all the rationale for it not being an extraordinary twelve months. This manifests in insignificant, petty, trivial behaviors that do not lead to action. I waste time, find "busy" work to do, avoid the steps that would have me being engaged. It is then a short jump to being discouraged and so very tired...

What I am committed to - all of us, connected, remembering and being known - won't come out of those well worn paths. It is only in recognizing and celebrating the incredible journey ahead, all the work, toil and energy it will take, that is actually going to translate into the fruition I desire. "Fruition": the manifestation of good efforts. That about says it all.

And how does this "aha" become the action? As we all love insights, especially juicy ones that shine such clarity on how it has been, my experience has been that it often stalls there. Well, my advice to a client would be - get a coach! Establish the structure to encourage the little spark of insight to stay lit. So, that is next - the first step I will take is the one I have put off for months - finding a coach for me. I am playing a big game here, I have declared that I WILL make a difference in the world. Best to have my team in place in order to win at this contest.

On the "Grammy" front (like "Grammy Hall", I love it) - my daughter and I went through bags of baby clothes last weekend - we had so much fun. Of course the ensembles we created for this oh-so-stylish little person were all for a boy as that is where the contributions had come from, and we are not yet clear on baby's gender, it grounded this miracle that is happening in our lives in reality. I wonder if this awareness that I have of the incredible nature of this event comes from being one generation removed? I sure don't remember having thoughts like this when I was pregnant. Must be the gift of being a grandparent. Whew, I am very grateful that I am not going through the physical-ness of having a baby inside me - I just get to share the intimacy of it with my very generous and loving daughter!

2009 - what will be the subtitle for this year?

2009-01-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

2009 - it has been suggested by several of my thoughtful and thought provoking friends that this is a year of signficant transitions and changes and we will not believe what will have transpired by the time the calendar rolls around to December. While I sit in my office, overlooking Maple Bay on Vancouver Island, in, arguably the most delightful place in Canada, I am aware of the responsibility I hold for the months ahead - personally. I pause when I type that, considering how arrogant that sounds/looks but I can no longer be quiet and small and hide behind those who appear bigger and stronger. "They" will take care of that - I can't affect that - what difference would it make - these are familiar mantras of mine. This year, in this time, they definitely ring hollow.

As a coach, a lover, a mother, a friend and a proud citizen of Canada, I am taking a stand for visionaries and their visions in order to push the momentum forward. I will make use of the resources and networks I have in my life to advance my agenda. I won't hesitate to speak for that agenda - for connecting people - and watching the ripple of those connections as they glide outward in larger and larger circles.

I often say that I have the privilege, as a coach, to engage with others at a profound level, to bear witness to the shift from thoughts in heads to movement in hearts. Now, as I am speaking to more potential coaches about the opportunities and possibilites of training and developing skills in coaching, I am so aware of the power of our words. Never before has it been as clear to me that we are speaking our future into existance. The challenging conversations we are having, the heartfelt dialogue, the controversial articles we are reading, the radio stations we are listening to (shameless plug for CBC Radio 2 - rocks my world!), these words shape our world. Choose yours with care.

This year - 2009 - I will become a grandmother, a role I have been considering for some time. As a grandmother, an elder, (dare I say it?), a "crone", I will have reached a position from which to impart wisdom; a daunting task. However, what I most look forward to is a new playmate, someone new to have fun with. Yes, 2009, the year of merriment? That would be unexpected!