So this is Christmas

So this is Christmas... another year over...

Each time the traditions change, I have to manage myself a little and let go of how it is "supposed to be".  Christmas is the time where I am the most attached to my perfect little Currier and Ives images and have to remember that I am an evolved human being and I do know that life doesn't always reflect those pictures painted from someone's equally tradition-laden imagination. 

This year, on Christmas Day, I am sitting tapping away on my laptop while trying not to listen to the soundtrack of a DVD that would never be my choice for entertainment on this day of families and dreaming of white Christmases and carols tinkling away in the background.  I mean, really?! Resident Evil?!  It is a good thing I am committed to being married to this man for the rest of my life... where is Jimmy Stuart when you need him?

And tonight my dear children are celebrating with their significant others and their families and no one had a large enough home to include the growing circle of children, in-laws and friends.  I realize that it would take a community centre sized space with a commercial kitchen to prep the dinner of that size and while we might tackle that kind of mega-event once a decade or so, truth is that future Christmases will all take a different shape. This has been shifting over this past decade and I officially passed the torch (and 5 or 6 boxes of decorations) to my daughter after the darling grandson was born so I have been winding up my time as Ms. Claus.  This year we enjoyed a fabulous dinner together on Christmas Eve, clearing space for other activities today.  Christmas morning was just awesome with the new easel being a big hit for the grandest boy.

I truly got the message 4 years ago when we were renting the biggest home I have ever lived in, in an amazing rural wonderland and I went all out to create the ultimate family gathering, only to have a good old fashioned blizzard and some challenging family dynamics have the whole family bugging out at 8 am on Boxing Day, leaving me with way too much food and booze and an absolutely perfectly decorated home (I did pay attention to the details on the Currier and Ives cards!).  As I sat with tears running down my cheeks, my sweet husband reminded me that he was still there and we could have wonderful leftovers while overlooking the fantastic winter scene through the giant picture windows, framed with twinkling lights.

Good opportunity to be grateful tonight though... this has truly been an amazing year and reflecting back on the past blogs, my life has continued to unfold in miraculous and wondrous ways.  I sit at the end of this year, having completed 2 years of my first efforts of post-secondary education, with an A+ average and an Advanced Diploma in Human Resource Management to show for it.  (My next adventures in higher learning are coming soon - but that will wait for another time to post about). My work is evolving into exactly what I want it to be - the time spent, the people I work with, the challenges we are undertaking, the potential both for growth and great compensation.  My relationships are all feeling full and lovely and complete.  I adore my home, pausing often to give thanks when I walk through the door for a home that just feels right.  I love and support my adult children as they go about their lives with a healthy balance of involvement and objectivity.  My dear husband is transforming his health through determination and commitment and looks better every day.  My mom is well, slowly fading as I would expect at her age, with a stubborn insistence on living independently and so far we have been able to provide her with as much assistance as she needs relatively simply.  My grandson is perfect and I treasure each moment I spend with him.  We have a regular playdate each week and now include games of imagined friends and stories and so much laughter.  I feel so incredibly fortunate to have this time with him while he is still in love with his Grammy.  Our time together just melts away effortlessly.  

Tomorrow night I will host a gathering of dear friends for a Boxing Day celebration.  Many of us shared a delightful dinner on the Solstice with wine and incredible conversations.  Having more access to my friends this year is more to be thankful for.  We have reached that eclectic age where we can both wise and silly - what fun!

And so, this is Christmas in all of its splendor and grunge - in a time where we pause to think about Peace on Earth, I bring my focus and attention to sharing my good fortune and spreading my good will around even further next year. 

Ponderings on the end (or beginning) of the world...

So, here we are, 18 days away from either the end of the world as we know it or a glorious new entrance to the next era for mankind, depending on who you talk to.  Now, I was visiting the Yucatan peninsula 13-14 years ago and came upon the Mayan prediction at a time when I was deeply engaged in exploring all aspects of my world, including Mayan ruins and deep, clearly connected to the earth cenotes on land that roared to me with its spiritual importance and significance.  It just made sense; of course, the end of this time was upon us, it seemed quite obvious. And was I called to being there, in the shadow of the ancient Mayans for this very important transition? Hell, yes!!

But life happened... businesses were sold and started and failed and marriages began and ended (not mine, by the way) and a grandson was born and I changed careers, went to school and moved a lot.  And grand plans of the ultimate excursion to bear witness to the Mayan prophecy in situ with each and every person that I love has become an intimate dinner with 5 or 6 of my dear friends where we will ferociously debate this time and place over wine and great food and fully expect to wake on December 22nd with little noticeable alteration to the landscape we gaze upon.

Will that be it?  Is that all that will become of this potential to transform our planet overnight?  There is no question that I sense a building energy around me; observe it in all my coaching clients, loving relationships and world politics, but like the quantum physics question - did our observation of this condition change the state of it or is there a natural progression of human beings that we have the privilege of bearing witness to?

I choose to believe; partly because I get to choose what I believe, that we are in the company of a very small number of humans who will have an opportunity to be alive at a time of momentous change.  We have already seen the madness of Y2K and lived to describe it (or did you party like it was 1999?) and this next step feels like the maturing of humans.  Like the time of adolescence for any species, there are some of us that are entering into it kicking and screaming, digging our heels in and fingers clawing at the doorway.  This evolution is inevitable or like Darwin observed, we too will come and go as a species and some entity like David Attenborough (okay, now imagine David in a more insectoid form) will be describing at length the marvels of the Homo Sapiens and pontificating upon their downfall.

It does occur that there is some urgency over these next precious days to be being in a way that allows this shift to happen with some ease and grace.  Perhaps that is the blue skying daydream.  Birthing, maturing, changing are not easy or simple states to pass through and while I sit here typing away (interrupted by not one but two of my loved ones in challenging circumstances reaching out for some assistance), I will need to apply all of my appreciative powers and wisdom and knowledge, without hesitation to "hold space" for us all.

These rare points of alignment of celestial bodies and peoples' passionate desires for a world that works are not to be wasted.  In the next 18 days, I will take on a conscious awareness in each of my interactions and communications.  This time is not like any other and it won't ever happen again.  Carpe diem was never more important!  

See you on the other side!!

Musings on the passage of time...

As I logged on to my blog for the first time in months and found that the environment I was familiar with had changed, it did occur to me that there is a metaphor here.  No surprise that my own landscape, both internal and external has gone through significant shifts in the past year too.

I observe that I have spent a great deal of my life waiting for it to start, you know, for real, the good stuff, the life that I have been anticipating etc.  And at the same time, I have been engaged in the practice over this past decade of being mindful and present in the moment, so that sense of being suspended waiting for something or someone to make the difference so I know I am living the right life is no longer so prevalent.

I maintain a marvelous sense of satisfaction in my life, for the most part.  I am living where I want to live, enjoy the shared, created space that living with family affords me.  I work at several occupations, each of which nourishes me in a different way.  I continue to attend post secondary education (for the first time in my life) and have discovered I am an excellent student and have been able to apply my education in real life since the very first class in this program.  I am delighted by time spent with my grandson and have begun to have whimsical and and interesting conversations with him.  On the other side of the spectrum, I have the privilege of participating in assisting my aging mother and often have whimsical and fascinating discussions with her.  I have discovered a depth of love and acceptance and wonder in my marriage of 33 years.  I will be planting a garden for the first time in decades and look forward to harvesting food and having fresh cut flowers for my home that I have grown. 

I read this article by Andrew Cohen yesterday and found myself moved to tears.  This passage "This is not to deny ... that we have enormous problems to solve and unexpected disasters to face. It’s just that if they’re right, we have good reason to feel a lot better about ourselves and our collective future."  I find that I feel guilty about being optimistic in the face of what seems like overwhelming bad news that we see at 6 o'clock each night.  Recent events in my life and in those around me have given me an opportunity to consider that my perspective of faith in humans and our capacity for love and compassion is not misplaced. 

All in all, life is good.  After checking in on what condition my condition is in, I am happy to report that this has been a most excellent year.  Taking more time to share how this is for me is in the works for this next year!  Thanks for reading. 

Disasters and why we write - my version

I find that I am drawn to watching the videos, reading the reports and scanning the headlines about Japan.  It holds this macabre fascination and reminds me over and over that it is real and I am graced merely by the fact that it hasn't happened here (yet...).  As the reports of imminent nuclear meltdowns race round and round this little world of ours, it is obvious that disaster is a wayward wind away.  And the fact that the earth didn't rumble and shake here is no guarantee that we won't share the same repercussions.

So, I am then drawn to writing, to exorcising the thoughts and fears in my head.  While my words lack the wonderful grace of my friend Ruth, I am clear that they will be helpful, at least to me.  I have the assignment in one of my classes (school, oh, school - thank the heavens that I have this marvelous place to be and be thinking and thoughtful and active and in discussions that are thought-provoking and all that...) to write a reflective journal about my learning each week.  Aside of the fact that I am fascinated by the instructor and feel so inspired and rewarded to be in his class, this assignment alone has made the difference in my education.

Yesterday I was pondering the idea that the whole world will not be recognizable in a very few years.  Now, this whole crisis unfolding in Japan is no doubt a piece of the travels that my mind has been travelling but several of the paths that I have been mentally wandering down have a similar theme.  Life as we know it is changing.  I think we all agree on that.  How much and how radical the changes will be is a matter of debate.  But if we are not sustained by an economy that operates in this familiar way, if we can no longer count on bananas from Ecuador, if all the education and experience of a lifetime won't guarantee you a paying job, then what the heck are we going to do?  

We watched an amazing TED talk video in class yesterday.  Deborah Gordon on the complex systems of ants.  It relates to our Organizational Behaviour class and organizational design.  However, one of the most fascinating parts for me was a revelation about a part of the ant colony that is apparently always at rest.  They have no jobs, they go nowhere, they are there to be called upon when needed.  In a time of crisis in the ant colony they take on whatever role is necessary and they never return to their resting space.  They are the reserves.  I am pretty certain we no longer have "reserves" in our modern world.  We don't have the resources to keep whole groups of people taken care of in case we need them.  It doesn't matter that it would be incredibly useful to have fresh individuals, prepared for whatever was asked of them waiting for the call, we have used them all up in the demands of everyday life.  

Our leisure time is full, our work lives are frantic, the demands upon us to keep producing, consuming, moving are never ending.  And all it takes (all?!) is one natural disaster for us to realize that Gaia doesn't care about any of that.  When it comes right down to it - how are you going to stay alive?  How are you going to help your neighbour and family to do the same?  Where are those reserves when you need them?  

Like the ants in protection of their nest, we need all the possible resources to combat the disaster that our fellow humans in Japan are experiencing right now.  Because of the nature of the disaster, we may need our own resources to combat the effects of that catastrophe here at home.  And yet we are so ill-prepared.  And I don't mean the earthquake kits we may or may not have in our closets or the potassium iodine tablets we keep, in case.  We will need to call upon energies and stores of love and compassion that are not commonly used.  

I have come to the conclusion that the end of the world as foretold in the Mayan calendar is not simply the physical challenges we are facing.  We will need to be willing to accept a world that doesn't work the same way that we have been used for thousands of years.  Money, work, ownership of objects will not have the same significance and measure of success we have grown up understanding.  While I am certainly not an expert on what is to come, I am willing to prepare as best I can for something unpredictable.  The contradictory nature of that sentence is intended as this will not be a world we can navigate with the same tools.

Like many people, I do some of my best work when my back is up against the deadline.  I think this earthquake in Japan is a clear reminder that the deadline is in sight.  Time to focus on where we each have an internal reserve and how best to nurture it right now.  For the time to call in the reserves is coming soon!

i thank you god for this most amazing day

I have been burning to write, which is an unusual circumstance but I have much to share and different perspectives to view the world from.  The challenge now is time and how to best make use of each minute.  I have decided that this is good use of a few of them!

I have such contrast in my life right now and it is in the ability to dwell in different realms that I am seeing insights and gaining a foothold in climbing the metaphorical mountain in front of me.  Today, I wore the hat of sales and marketing in a small company, whose mission of engaging people in their own health and well-being calls to my vision of business.  Yesterday, I spent the day at college (an experience which has blogs and blogs worth of material), with my mostly twenty-something and under fellow students, practicing my beginner mind and absorbing material that will assist me by adding education and credibility to my vision of shifting the world of business.  Last week, I spent several hours on an on-line conference with a collaborative group of entrepreneurs, committed to sharing strategy, people development and coaching with leaders of organizations.  The woman who leads this group continuously inspires me and has declared her willingness and support of me being completely involved in her venture.  Am I blessed, or what?!

And, I get to be wife, mother, daughter, grandmother, sister and friend to a circle of humans that I completely adore.  My days are full and busy, I have to carefully schedule my days to avoid double booking and I feel so alive and grateful.  

And tired... sometimes it all just sweeps over me and I am left in the wake of the huge wave, gasping for air and trying to figure out which way is up.  I have to say that I have not taken on endless work into the wee hours of the morning as I used to in my 30's, but thankfully I have gained a little wisdom over the years.  I know full well that is not sustainable and I have a 2 year program to complete at college and most of the ventures I am working on are at the early stages of their development so burning out before the spring would be less than useful.  

There are more thoughts to share, more situations to describe, more ponderings on grandmother-ing my darling Kai, but there is also a research proposal to write, a bio to complete, a chapter or two to read and absorb, several (okay more than a several..) emails to respond to and some time to curl up with my sweetie before the night is done.  

as e.e. cummings wrote:

I thank you God for most this amazing day
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and the blue dream of sky
and for everything which is natural
which is infinite
which is yes 

Now what?!

I have been contemplating left turns, 180 degree shifts, outside "the box" and the road not taken this past month.  While it seems as though I have been in some degree of turmoil or another for months (no home, no job, no money), it really has only been 2 months since my world shifted significantly.  Today, as I am about to commit to a 2 year post secondary program (the first in my life I am almost ashamed to say), I am once again pondering how best to honour one's instincts. Actually, that is a cop-out; I am really just getting shift-y and scared about taking on something that I have always said I wanted to do and now I have to put my money (or rather Student Aid's money) where my mouth is and jump in. 

I am in the process of writing an essay in application for a scholarship specifically for women taking on a college education "later in life".  Yes, that is me.  Thirty six years ago, a fresh faced, "cookies and milk" girl from Calgary completed high school and considering a degree in social work, worked as a long distance operator and lived at home, dreaming of travel to castles in England.  Along came an exciting, older man who, while not exactly sweeping her off her feet, did provide a perfect exit to the first family life.  Moving to the west coast, marrying, birthing children, working, running businesses - just life - filled the next 35 years.  Each time that the idea of college or university came up there was always another priority, a more important consideration and the thought passed by, the current catalogue of classes became out of date and eventually recycled. 

Now, (it seems - I am still hedging my bets and feeling uncertain) is the perfect time to go back to school.  I am not in the midst of an exciting, upwardly mobile career, my children are grown and self sustaining, my mom's health is stable, my husband is at home in a semi-retired state and I ain't got nothin' to lose and everything to gain!  I have chosen a two year program in HR Management which could lead to a degree program or further education and will provide me with a diploma and education to provide credibility to my own natural abilities.  I have always loved being in training and even loved the challenge of studying for my real estate license.  So, you may ask, what is going on today??

Well, the "what-if's" are picking away in my brain, although, even as I type this, I can see how weak that sounds. The money comes up as it looks as though I am mortgaging my future (you got something better to invest in??).  The Student Aid is so measly that no human being could live on it (that is why you keep your part time work and continue to build more flexible options and HELLO, aren't you a coach?  Coaching does not require a regular schedule.).  And, okay, if we dig down a layer or two, I am just plain scared.  What if I go to school for 2 years, complete the program and still can't find a job that I love?  What if I am a terrible student and completely incompetent?  What if I can't find my way around a campus and feel like an idiot?  What will the other students think of me being in post-secondary school for the first time at 53 years old?  Like I said, the what-if's are prolific and the wonder of transcribing this all down on the bright little screen is that I can answer them all with "so-what's"! 

Since I actually took the step to inquire about the program, received information and started to complete what is necessary, I have held out that if the perfect job opportunity presented itself that I would take that.  In fact, it became that if any fulltime job came up that I would probably jump at it as money has been squeaky tight this past number of weeks.  No such alternatives have presented themselves and the patchwork quilt of options continues as the best coverage that I can create.  So... I will be heading off to the college tomorrow morning and paying my fees so that I can register for classes to start in January!  There, I have said it out loud and in public. 

The next adventure awaits....

This is becoming boring...

Someone suggested to me last night that I approach this time of no work as a holiday.  It startled me and my reactions were pretty defensive ("You clearly don't get it; I don't have a JOB or any MONEY.  How could I take a holiday now?!  That would be completely irresponsible, etc, etc...").  However, it did give me pause to consider how I approach times of challenge.

Now, I am of the opinion that I have had quite enough challenges this year but clearly the Universe is not done with me on this one yet.  And I have no fracking control over it at all, which drives me 18 shades of crazy.  My desire to assert my influence on this circumstance is overwhelming.  I. need. to. make. it. work!

Unh, uh (or however you type the negative form of Uh, huh, to indicate in typing the shaking of one's head...). Nope, not, nyet, nein, NO!  I have no ability to consciously force this to go my way.  That is not to say that I am not fully engaged in job-seeking, because I am.  I spend hours each day exploring options, opportunities, applying for positions, researching organizations, figuring out who to talk to, finding people of influence in my circle and beyond - I am at work, finding work, just like "they" tell you to be.  Never, in my life, have I worked so hard to find work and been (as yet) unsuccessful.  Well, that is not entirely true - I have secured 2 days a week, for a third less per hour than they originally promised me at my interview, which covers about 40% of my monthly expenses...

I get it - this is a sign of the times, the cracks in the economy showing just how broken it all is and we are in a "recession" after all.  And, I know that I am older than I was last time I took on a project like this and like one kind person who actually sent me an email to tell me I had not made the first cut said, "I have received over 350 applications for this position", when I asked why my combination of experience and skills, that seemed perfect, had not even made it to the first interview stage.  There are a lot of people out there, like me, looking for work. 

But, this is getting tiresome.  I want to think that I have some power in this.  I want to believe that my shiny, positive attitude will prevail.  I want to consider that my commitment to people and making a difference will pay off with a great opportunity.  I want to keep on having faith in it all working out.

And I am somewhat frustrated and notice a degree of (yes, I will say it) fear present in my head each morning.  A wise friend suggested I take a look at the worst case scenario, work out a solution and let go of the fear.  Great idea.  And I have done that - I know what my 'back pocket' plan is.  I just don't want to have to pull it out and to be straight, I am not ready to do that yet.  Knowing it is there is worthwhile.

So, I will carry on today.  I have calls to make with requests for ideas and assistance.  I am present to and appreciating the glorious sunshine and this beautiful fall day.  I will take some time and walk by the ocean and visit my daughter and I did sleep in this morning.  That makes it kind of like a holiday, doesn't it?  I am sure that when I am busy working/occupied in a paid circumstance that I will look back on this like a time of leisure.