Just too much...

My time this past few weeks has felt extremely full and busy and I noticed that I was avoiding writing about the process going on in my head. Now, some of that has to do with my new focus and discipline in how my time is spent but in fact, I have been really working my way through a considerable growth period and like one of my GiST'ers (Grace in Small Things), the words have not been there to share.

The time has come to pack my carefully saved boxes in the crawl space, clear out the numerous cupboards and take my slightly less than 2 years worth of memories and move on. Disruptive, to be sure, but not entirely unexpected -this has always been my "borrowed" home. The intended destination is a neighbourhood near my darling daughter and her happy household which includes my ultra-adorable grandson - all good! Except, I don't know where I am moving to yet and that is driving me buggy! I can't believe my level of anxiety without a forwarding address. Okay, managing this (breathe in and breathe out). We will find a place - we do have a contingency plan and my mom has said that I can move home, if I have to.

Then, as a result of many risky (for me anyway - catastrophic disaster seemed imminent) conversations with my boss/colleague/friend, I am taking on new directions in my own business as a coach and dropping to a part time role at a reduced rate of pay (uh oh, skyrocketing terror, certainty of failure, major unworthiness complex) and this timing coincides with the move - to nowhere...

You may understand my teensy bit of reluctance to share all this. Why would anyone in their right mind hire a coach who is a person who practices Appreciative Inquiry and Grace in Small Things and Positive Outcomes and yet can barely stay upright because she is holding her breath til she turns blue or passes out?! And without an income, how will I pay the rent (not to mention groceries, car payments, phone bills and absolutely necessary bottles of Pinot Noir)? Oh my...

Okay, now I have let out all my worst fears and I am apparently not dead. Or, you are reading a message from the "other side" and I will soon be relating to you stories of what it is really like. Sorry, no insights from the unknown yet.

I am sure this blog will be evidence of how the crises of life become a funny story with enough time to get the humour. I determined this week that I actually can rely on myself - I have made it through every ridiculous circumstance up until now and although my choices were not always the brightest ones and I did suffer through some very chaotic times, I am here, I am well and I am loved. What more could I possibly ask for? (well, perhaps the ideal 2 bedroom home for the right price and 5 more clients next month and for the Canucks to win the Stanley Cup...)

Stay tuned - I promise to keep you posted more faithfully on my progress!!

Missing the Connection

I am sure you have noticed how many glorious, amazing, inspiring, profound websites there are out there for all the brilliant groups, organizations, people who are committed to changing the world. I am certain that you have as you probably wouldn't be reading my blog if you weren't at least a little bit interested in progressive change. I have highlighted a few that have recently impacted me.

Each time I come upon another moving and incredible group who are preparing for the revolution ahead with love and energy and heartfelt desire to make a difference, I think a few things:

* where do I sign up?

* will I be like them when I grow up?

* how can we connect the dots of all this good work and really GET ON WITH IT?!

Probably the most frustrating aspect for someone like me, chipping away at the mountain of resignation and despair, declaring the occasional victory when I hear that a conversation I have had or an action on my part lightened someone's day (woot woot - ring the bell!!), is to see the intentions of all of these wonderful people so tantalizingly close and yet so far away.

I know we are speaking the same language, sense that we all hold a similar dream in our hearts, understand that we share a huge vision of a world that works for all, yet we seem so disconnected. It is almost as though the competion for the attention and focus of the folks who are already enrolled and engaged is counter-productive to the end result. How do I know which group to align myself with? Where do I put my efforts where they will produce the highest return? If I am to tithe my income for a good cause, which one do I pick? If I were to join each and every group that resonates with me, not only would my inbox be (more) stuffed with newsletters for the sharing of their news, my evenings would be filled with listening to talks and my days could be spent learning and educating myself on how I would become better equipped and able to fight the fight too.

This weekend, during a lively discussion on the state of the world, which I enjoyed with dear friends, I suggested that the threads of inspiring and committed people would organically find a way to link up and tip us over into this lit up, global network, like little lights blinking across a dark planet until the combined luminescence shines like the sun on our precious earth. Romantic balderdash is how that occurs to me today. Optimistic poppycock. Pollyanna on steroids. A fairy tale...

I wish I knew the answer. I plug along, comforted that my little efforts brighten a small circle and that circle expands to its circle - you know the deal. But I can't help but think that something else is required; something that allows us to reach beyond the little baby steps. I know in my gut that this is an urgent need and requires some extraordinary response.

What would it take to find that proverbial 100th monkey? Which conversation will be the one to shift the balance? Which little kindness will inspire the right action?

I don't know, but I haven't given up. There is no other game worth playing!

photo credit to michaeljosh