Now what?!

I have been contemplating left turns, 180 degree shifts, outside "the box" and the road not taken this past month.  While it seems as though I have been in some degree of turmoil or another for months (no home, no job, no money), it really has only been 2 months since my world shifted significantly.  Today, as I am about to commit to a 2 year post secondary program (the first in my life I am almost ashamed to say), I am once again pondering how best to honour one's instincts. Actually, that is a cop-out; I am really just getting shift-y and scared about taking on something that I have always said I wanted to do and now I have to put my money (or rather Student Aid's money) where my mouth is and jump in. 

I am in the process of writing an essay in application for a scholarship specifically for women taking on a college education "later in life".  Yes, that is me.  Thirty six years ago, a fresh faced, "cookies and milk" girl from Calgary completed high school and considering a degree in social work, worked as a long distance operator and lived at home, dreaming of travel to castles in England.  Along came an exciting, older man who, while not exactly sweeping her off her feet, did provide a perfect exit to the first family life.  Moving to the west coast, marrying, birthing children, working, running businesses - just life - filled the next 35 years.  Each time that the idea of college or university came up there was always another priority, a more important consideration and the thought passed by, the current catalogue of classes became out of date and eventually recycled. 

Now, (it seems - I am still hedging my bets and feeling uncertain) is the perfect time to go back to school.  I am not in the midst of an exciting, upwardly mobile career, my children are grown and self sustaining, my mom's health is stable, my husband is at home in a semi-retired state and I ain't got nothin' to lose and everything to gain!  I have chosen a two year program in HR Management which could lead to a degree program or further education and will provide me with a diploma and education to provide credibility to my own natural abilities.  I have always loved being in training and even loved the challenge of studying for my real estate license.  So, you may ask, what is going on today??

Well, the "what-if's" are picking away in my brain, although, even as I type this, I can see how weak that sounds. The money comes up as it looks as though I am mortgaging my future (you got something better to invest in??).  The Student Aid is so measly that no human being could live on it (that is why you keep your part time work and continue to build more flexible options and HELLO, aren't you a coach?  Coaching does not require a regular schedule.).  And, okay, if we dig down a layer or two, I am just plain scared.  What if I go to school for 2 years, complete the program and still can't find a job that I love?  What if I am a terrible student and completely incompetent?  What if I can't find my way around a campus and feel like an idiot?  What will the other students think of me being in post-secondary school for the first time at 53 years old?  Like I said, the what-if's are prolific and the wonder of transcribing this all down on the bright little screen is that I can answer them all with "so-what's"! 

Since I actually took the step to inquire about the program, received information and started to complete what is necessary, I have held out that if the perfect job opportunity presented itself that I would take that.  In fact, it became that if any fulltime job came up that I would probably jump at it as money has been squeaky tight this past number of weeks.  No such alternatives have presented themselves and the patchwork quilt of options continues as the best coverage that I can create.  So... I will be heading off to the college tomorrow morning and paying my fees so that I can register for classes to start in January!  There, I have said it out loud and in public. 

The next adventure awaits....

This is becoming boring...

Someone suggested to me last night that I approach this time of no work as a holiday.  It startled me and my reactions were pretty defensive ("You clearly don't get it; I don't have a JOB or any MONEY.  How could I take a holiday now?!  That would be completely irresponsible, etc, etc...").  However, it did give me pause to consider how I approach times of challenge.

Now, I am of the opinion that I have had quite enough challenges this year but clearly the Universe is not done with me on this one yet.  And I have no fracking control over it at all, which drives me 18 shades of crazy.  My desire to assert my influence on this circumstance is overwhelming.  I. need. to. make. it. work!

Unh, uh (or however you type the negative form of Uh, huh, to indicate in typing the shaking of one's head...). Nope, not, nyet, nein, NO!  I have no ability to consciously force this to go my way.  That is not to say that I am not fully engaged in job-seeking, because I am.  I spend hours each day exploring options, opportunities, applying for positions, researching organizations, figuring out who to talk to, finding people of influence in my circle and beyond - I am at work, finding work, just like "they" tell you to be.  Never, in my life, have I worked so hard to find work and been (as yet) unsuccessful.  Well, that is not entirely true - I have secured 2 days a week, for a third less per hour than they originally promised me at my interview, which covers about 40% of my monthly expenses...

I get it - this is a sign of the times, the cracks in the economy showing just how broken it all is and we are in a "recession" after all.  And, I know that I am older than I was last time I took on a project like this and like one kind person who actually sent me an email to tell me I had not made the first cut said, "I have received over 350 applications for this position", when I asked why my combination of experience and skills, that seemed perfect, had not even made it to the first interview stage.  There are a lot of people out there, like me, looking for work. 

But, this is getting tiresome.  I want to think that I have some power in this.  I want to believe that my shiny, positive attitude will prevail.  I want to consider that my commitment to people and making a difference will pay off with a great opportunity.  I want to keep on having faith in it all working out.

And I am somewhat frustrated and notice a degree of (yes, I will say it) fear present in my head each morning.  A wise friend suggested I take a look at the worst case scenario, work out a solution and let go of the fear.  Great idea.  And I have done that - I know what my 'back pocket' plan is.  I just don't want to have to pull it out and to be straight, I am not ready to do that yet.  Knowing it is there is worthwhile.

So, I will carry on today.  I have calls to make with requests for ideas and assistance.  I am present to and appreciating the glorious sunshine and this beautiful fall day.  I will take some time and walk by the ocean and visit my daughter and I did sleep in this morning.  That makes it kind of like a holiday, doesn't it?  I am sure that when I am busy working/occupied in a paid circumstance that I will look back on this like a time of leisure. 

Play it again, Sam... Letting Go...

In an unexpected moment of appreciation for the current state of affairs of my life, I am relishing my given quest for the year 2010 and am once again "Letting Go".  (I think there is a "Trust the Universe" edict in here too somewhere, but that part is not apparent to me yet).

     - Letting go of the "graceful" transition from a paid position that I had been counting on to a self generated income stream.
     - Letting go of how it is "supposed" to look to be generating that income stream.
     - Letting go of an idea that I am somehow at "fault" for not having immediately stepped into fabulous financial freedom.
     - Letting go of the second guessing (what if I had stayed at that last position - the one before the last one??).
     - Letting go of feeling guilty for taking the time, when it presents itself, to be working on me - my writing, my connections.
     - Letting go that I have any fracking control over the Universe and continuing to generate ideas, thoughts, possibilities and job applications without loss of enthusiasm.


I have never experienced a challenge in my life that I did not appreciate in some way later.  I guess I will have become enlightened when I can appreciate it in the moment.  So, today, I am dwelling on what the lesson of this time will be when I get to review it from the more generous 20/20 hindsight perspective. 


And the other questions that comes up is:  what am I resisting?  Now, I am aware that this is one of those giant, looping questions which may never resolve itself or provide much value in the considerations - so I just mention it in passing.


Feels harder to be trusting of the outcome today than it was a month ago, but here I am putting my fondest dreams out there again - creating a patchwork of circumstances that will be the quilt of income/money for the winter and building towards a marvelous future.

As a dear friend of mine used to say "Might as well... can't dance, ain't got a ticket".  Carry on!

One of "those" people...

 *photo credit to NiMal.13

This has been an interesting month - as in the phrase purportedly used a Chinese curse (Google makes an honest woman of me - can't mis-credit quotes anymore).  Yeah, I don't need too many more "interesting" months like that in my life.

I am viewing all of this as the Universe testing me, to see if I truly believe that blithely spoken "trust the Universe" that I have been on about all year.  Kind of in the same way that teenagers test the boundaries to find out if their parents still love them. ("Let's see, I have crashed the car, failed an exam and stayed out all night - how do you like me now?")  Once again, enough already...

Last night was a particularly sleepless night.  I was wrestling with all my fears, worries, anxieties about my situation and a niggling concern about giant spiders sharing my pillow (this is not unfounded; less than a month ago a humungous ugly spider was sitting right on my pillowcase, waiting for me when I pulled down the covers to climb into bed.  To my credit, I scooped him up in a glass with a card, carried him a long ways down the block away from my house and told him to tell his buddies never to darken my bed again, thus, earning "spider karma" which should prevent any of his/her kind biting me.  Okay, that part might be unfounded).  

I digress (not enough sleep).  In my restive state (which doesn't mean well rested, although it looks like it should), I called upon my Higher Being and Council of Elders that reside in my sub-conscious and asked how I should be handling this current state of affairs (no job, no money... well, not exactly, but close enough) and received some interesting insights:

     1)  In my declared statement of who I am (I will save the details of this for another post), I have said that I "call forth the integrity".  Integrity as defined by some on-line dictionary (thank you again, my friends at Google) as the state of being, whole, entire or undiminished.  That state of undiminished has not been my state of residence this month.  I have felt distinctly diminished and according to the the Wise Ones, "get over it"!
     2)  I don't need to be the counter effect for the bad stuff in the world - or for the people who talk about how crappy it is all the time.  Not my job.  Wisdom of the Circle - "Stop resisting the way other people are - that is their stuff.  If you spend all your energy trying to balance that in the world, you have none left for your own forward momentum."
     3)  The tide will turn today (mostly because that makes a lovely alliteration - "the tide will turn on Friday" has not nearly such an uplifting lilt).  Today, the opportunities will present themselves and if this is not immediately apparent it is because I am not "trusting the Universe". 
     4)  I have spent the majority of my life presuming that there are other people, "those" people, who have the luck, auspicious birthright, financial advantage, smarts or guts to be the winners of the world (cue Steely Dan - "I want a name when I lose...") and I am not in that group of the chosen folk.  Last night I wondered what it would be like if I was.  What if I truly was living this miraculous life that I have spoken of and here is the evidence.  (I am sitting in front of my little laptop, linked to the internet by a wireless connection, gazing out the window at the sun on the house next door, food in the fridge, money in the bank {albeit not a whole bunch} and the time and opportunity to pause and consider what is next in this curious life).  How would I view my life if I really considered that I was one of the fortunate ones?  (shifted my world just a smidgen).
     5)  I prefer not to spend my night discussing the state of the Universe with the Elders but once in a while can find the value in it.

This morning, although I notice a certain fatigue, I am in a different state of mind (perhaps province of intention is more accurate).  I have not yet gained mastery in this new environment of wisdom but there is a lightness of being today.  

My faith is back.

Passages, changes, motion...

How did this month slip by so unnoticed? It was full of people and visits, barbecues and summer walks. There was time in gardens and on lawns, decks and patios. There was chasing and being chased by a delightfully active crawling creature who continues to capture more of my heart. There was wine and fabulous home cooked meals. The time was appreciated if not remarked upon! Summer... ahhhh....

This week as we move into the last week of August, the sense of the season shifting is all around me. This is the time when I find I have to manage my expectations, practice letting go of another summer and welcoming the changes coming this fall.

The wheel is turning again and this fall I will be creating and engineering my own future, my own business, my own connections without the safety net of a regular paycheque. It is not that I haven't considered the option of being employed, it is that only one of my applications for paid positions resulted in an interview, much less a job offer. Oh, except that nice man from craigslist who offered not only to hire me without as much as a phone interview but send me a laptop, printer and "electric keyboard" (?!). Let's just say, I took that one with a grain of salt and deleted my address from my website, in case he was also the stalking kind of weirdo.

This week I was relishing my freedom from the 9 to 5 and had come to a place of real determination to keep the momentum going to have all the pieces fall into place to have sufficient paying work one month, two months and eventually 3 months in advance. I declared that I will continue to live a miraculous life with all the marvelous aspects of my days enhanced and enjoyed. I will keep finding the nice contact, next contract, next little piece of paid project work. I will keep on collaborating with colleagues whose ideas and thoughts intrigue and enliven me. I will be able to see the difference I am making and receive referrals and more opportunities to share what I do.

"Declare and fulfill" - this may be the mantra for this next piece of my life. This absolutely requires the continued practice of Trusting the Universe, but it has more activity involved. I face this time with tremendous certainty about being on the right path, at the right time and having the right people show up when needed.

Oh, and there are lots of backyard barbecues, bottles of wine and walks to the beach left to have before I am willing to admit that it is fall!

photo credit to Steadyjohn

Musings from weeding an overgrown garden

Appreciating that there are no coincidences and the symmetry of the Universe is precise and perfect, it was no accident that I sat in a wildly overgrown garden, filled with thistles and weeds, looking for the tender, little carrots and beets that had been planted and neglected weeks ago. As I unconcealed the tender little shoots that would have been thriving vegetables had they been tended; each tough, old, prickly thistle that I ripped out was a victory.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have no ability to be aware of the cosmic metaphor when I am in it. When I was weeding in the dirt, I was weeding in the dirt (props to Dewitt Jones, Celebrating What is Right in the World). But at some point in the amazingly restful sleep my tired body needed, this came to me and I wondered where I need to "weed my garden"?! I am not going to get all sermon-y on you here as I have milked this metaphor sufficiently (milk-thistle - get it?! Sorry...), but in the time of change that I am in, I will take advantage of every insight I can gain.

For me, the most critical aspect of moving ahead when I am literally designing my life as I am living it, is to hold the possibility of a spectacularly successful outcome that I can look back on in a year or two and say "Yes!! That all worked out so well!". I am balancing that with the practical, looking for ways to take care of what is necessary this week, next week, next month so that I have sufficient means to continue and avoid a financially critical circumstance. Been there, done that - thank you. I have no need to replay that experience to get the lesson!

Each time I sit in the dirt, weeding a garden - and, I just realized, for the first time in eons, I have had that opportunity in numerous gardens this summer - I am present to the wonderful simplicity of working with growing things. This seems the right place, to sing with John Denver, okay, everyone: "inch by inch, row by row"...

Oh, you are still reading?! I wondered if the segue to the Muppets might have been a little too much. But seriously, what I am left with is my desire to just putter in my garden, play for hours with my magical grandson and have amazing and life altering conversations. My interest in working really hard to get ahead to some undescribed destination is very limited. I want enough money to take care of myself and my loved ones but I have discovered that my needs are quite simple.

This allows for some freedom from the fear that grips me some days. Having stepped out onto the entrepreneurial edge a decade ago and falling right off into the abyss of bankruptcy (yes, it felt like that), I acknowledge my unsettledness in once again being solely responsible for my own income. I am keenly aware of the language that I use in describing this, knowing the power of my words. I am speaking of succeeding and ease and satisfyingly financial compensation for my efforts.

And I have had ten years to hone my abilities to accept and appreciate what is so. To be creative and imaginative in exploring opportunities. To be confident and bold in what I now provide in the world. To be declarative and intentional in my efforts. To ask for and accept the assistance I need. To collaborate and share the success and the work it takes to get there.

Ten years ago, I was sure I didn't have the time and I sure didn't have the interest in what it took to grow a garden filled with beautiful and nourishing plants. Now, I can't imagine any better place to hang out than among the bugs and soil!

out of the satisfied daze...

Seems that there was something very satisfying in arriving here and just being in a city that is so familiar and beloved. My time was happily spent being near family and friends, exploring a new, yet old neighbourhood, walking streets that I used to walk 30 years ago when I lived nearby. I was happy just being here.

One must not become complacent seems to be the lesson as circumstances are shifting again and new challenges await. I awoke this morning, consciously holding the details of a dream where I had arrived into a position where I no longer had to worry about money. That my years of lists of expenses and income were a thing of the past and I could just relax and work and play without worry. I wanted to hang on to that sense of confidence and knowledge of having created the situation that I had been seeking for so long.

I determined a little while back that the measure of reaching that milestone would be I would no longer have those carefully scribed post-it notes of figures in backs of notebooks, with either plus or minus signs to indicate whether I was winning or losing the game. I have done this since I can remember and with a few times of respite when the numbers seem to take care of themselves (or my earnings were more than sufficient to cover the costs), this has been a monthly ritual.

What becomes clear as I write this is the sacred importance I have placed on this ritual. It is no wonder that not much has actually shifted from this circumstance over the years given how faithful to this practice I have been.

Without the time to actually consider what else, I will not jump too quickly to another way of managing the money but in this clarity, I can see how I have not served my intention of abundance with a bi-weekly accounting of scarcity.

More thoughts to ponder - a new ritual to invent...