Maybe I don't know who I am

During the night, when I often ask for insight and wisdom from the guides and inner council of my dreams, I had the thought that I may not know myself very well. My recollection of my life, like many others I am sure, is a series of memories mostly of the major screw-ups, missed opportunities and incidents that I would dearly love to "do over". The act of remembering some of those times still causes me to squirm and experience the emotions of shame and upset all over again. Not particularly useful, you would agree. Past is passed, right? Well, in principle, but I know I still get a negative charge from thinking about those less-than-stellar moments.

A glimmer of possibility did light up the night last night. What if all those times in my life were the result of ignoring my instincts about a circumstance? What if the degree to which I f*%ked up was directly proportional to my resistance about letting go and moving on?! Is it conceivable that I create the situations that force me to face my demons because I refuse to get the gentle nudges and subtle hints that I am not operating at my highest level (or even much above the earthworm)?? That perspective rocked me and brought me awake from the drowsy state I was in. Immediately, I denied it. That would somehow justify every mistake I have ever made and somehow that would make me an even worse person than the one that just screwed it up. But as I sit with this, in the light of day, I can see that it might just be another cut at Trusting the Universe (Carol's declared theme for this decade). (theme song to be announced...)

We know, if we tune in to our inner knowing, how to read any circumstance (I say this like I actually do KNOW this, which I am not at all certain about but will suspend that not helpful judgement for a moment and invite you to do the same...) and mostly in hindsight we can observe where we might have stepped over or turned away from the messages which could have directed us. So, if we (really, the royal "we" since I cannot speak for the collective "you") consider that our worst errors in judgement, our most shameful moments, the terrible and never spoken about actions are just the determined and somewhat desperate attempts of our internal knowingness to get our asses into action and out of the situations we are in, then how does that affect our relation to the past? Shifts it fundamentally, yes?! And what does that open up? Well, I can tell you from over here in the land of Trolls (my usual version of my self-image), a door is creaking open and I am feeling just a little lighter in my fuzzy slippers.

Now, this as yet unexplored postulation does come with certain responsibility (oh yes, this, my friends, is my other life lesson - how to be responsible for me - all of me). For having determined that listening to my little voice before it is shouting in my ear would be advantageous in avoiding crises, I now have to learn to rely on and take actions based on my gut, sometimes without a firm basis of reality or fact.

(oh cripes, now look what you have gotten us into, Ollie...) Ohhh, moment of panic - desire to hide under the covers - a nap or other diversion would be good right now...

Trust, faith, belief - these are not the known pillars of good judgement. But as I trundle down this road of self awareness and openness to being opposed to doing, I get clearer and clearer about what is required of me to grow up into who I already am. Taking the path of least resistance, always seeking the gentle and passive route, looking for quiet and non confrontational resolutions has my inner self, known as Ahara, letting me know that she will happily trip me up if I have to fall on my face again to get the lesson.

I work with a mirror on my desk. I use it in my coaching to be aware of my level of listening to my clients. I glance at it when I pick up the phone to be in communication or answer a call. I look for my shining eyes (if you haven't seen this video with Benjamin Zander, you really must take the time to watch - I highly recommend it!!) and now, I will be looking to see if I might be able to get to know that person in the mirror, for I truly have no idea who she is.

This is an uncomfortable place, my compadres - I am looking at the blogged-about changes from a different perspective and I don't know where it will lead me. I do, however, have a guide for the trip!

photo credit Per Ola Wiberg

What if?

A while ago I wrote a blog on Indulgence with a wonderful list of "what if's" that make me smile. Today, I am meditating, considering, pondering the possibility of trusting the Universe. That phrase, "trust the _______ (insert here your theological, philosophical meta-figure of choice)" does certainly get overused. I mean, who really does that? Who actually trusts that the design of life is intended to be trusted? That we can relax and enjoy and be happy, confident in the knowing-ness that it will all work out?! Nobody I know... except maybe the Dalai Lama and I would not presume to say the I know him.

Given the continuous disruption in the force ("ahh, Luke, don't go to the dark side") which we are constantly reminded of by CNN, NBC and FOX, it would be ludicrous to pretend we are not aware of the miserable state of affairs this world is in. And I never wish to diminish the horrific experience that many of my fellow global citizens live through daily. No, I am very present to the blessings of my life and actively express my appreciation.

I am contemplating the concept of trust and the implications of that. Philosophically, I believe that trust is something that is given, like a gift, for no reason. That "earning" trust is a fallacy as there is no conceivable way that you can ever prove to someone that you are trustworthy unless they are willing to grant you that status. The trusting is always, always done by you and you get to choose when and with whom you participate in this activity. So, I get to say whether or not I trust the Universe (or Zeus or my husband or my mother or my prime minister or the guy that fixed my fireplace).

Ok-a-a-a-a-a-y, (I am working my way through this, hang in there with me...) if that is so, then why do I have such a challenge with trusting that this is all perfect? Rationally, my experience of life is quite magical. I count my blessings and marvel over the way that it works out favourably. There is another level of expression of trust that I am just beginning to make out on the horizon. The shape of it is becoming clear. It requires that leap of faith, which has been attributed to Soren Kierkegaard, which interestingly, he actually referred to as a leap to faith.

Levels of awareness and consciousness - this really is a continuum, isn't it? When I bring my attention to learning, stretching and grappling with new concepts, I step into a new world. I invite you to trust with me today!

photo credit - Marc Jenkins and the subject is my amazing son

Let go!! Part 2

Okay, now I am envisioning when you are a little kid and another kid who wants to be your friend but has disgusting sticky and filthy hands grabs onto you. You shake your arm violently and yell "Let GO!!". Having woken from a seemingly endless looping dream of needing to be in control of various situations, including taking care of my children, grandchildren and all the global disasters, I have realized that letting go isn't as simple as it sounds.



I have some signficant attachment to remaining attached.



In fact, I am convinced that if I don't keep scanning the horizon for the next attack/accident/crisis with shoulders tensed and adrenaline ready to shoot through my body that "my" world will quite possibly collapse. After all, it has been my vigilance that kept body and soul together for me and my extended family so far, isn't it?



This seems silly as I re-read it but that is contrary to the sensation that I have in my gut - this feels very grim over here in this sack of watery flesh. I actually operate in the world like I have the responsibility for taking care of it all. And I take on this grave duty very seriously, in case you hadn't noticed.



Now, there is good news... having noticed the extent of being gripped by this super hero delusion, I have an opportunity to hang up the cape. Bad news is that it is double knotted around my neck, so it might take a little loosening before I can take it off.



I always laugh with my coaching clients when the "trust" thing comes up - it is so consistent in everyone's conversation, how it all rolls back to trust. Coach, listen for thyself - uh huh, I can do this! My note from the Universe this morning http://www.tut.com/ (shout out to Mike Dooley) said that I will "prevail, thrive and arrive". I will trust that this morning!

It's raining, it's pouring

...the old man is snoring - funny how those childhood rhymes don't go away but I forget to take out the garbage on garbage day.

The power of intention - that has me be curious today. Yesterday I fully intended to be successful in my phone calls and have some completed registrations for our summer course. Nothing, nada, zip, zero, "thank you, no", "not right now", "I will think about it"... not the responses I was looking for. Which has me pause and wonder about my focus and ability and what I am missing.

What comes to mind is the tattoo on my daughter's wrists (and probably the only phrase I would consider inking on my body) "Let go" "and breathe". Letting go - I am not so good at that. I am much more skilled and experienced in the pitbull method - you know, hanging on with jaws locked beyond all reason and logic?! Setting an intention and trusting the universe? Seems dodgy and somehow, well, lazy. Yet I know that when I hear the words "make it work" in my head that I am in the ferocious hanging on state and almost always unsuccessful in my efforts.

So, (deep breath - that is the "breathing" part) I am letting go of the outcome today. (Sure, sure, says the voice in my head - and how do you think that is going to work out?) No, really, I am going to shift my attention to other tasks, get to work on areas that I can make a difference in and trust that the universe will provide the responses that are needed. Must keep breathing consciously today - otherwise letting go is not an option.