One of "those" people...

 *photo credit to NiMal.13

This has been an interesting month - as in the phrase purportedly used a Chinese curse (Google makes an honest woman of me - can't mis-credit quotes anymore).  Yeah, I don't need too many more "interesting" months like that in my life.

I am viewing all of this as the Universe testing me, to see if I truly believe that blithely spoken "trust the Universe" that I have been on about all year.  Kind of in the same way that teenagers test the boundaries to find out if their parents still love them. ("Let's see, I have crashed the car, failed an exam and stayed out all night - how do you like me now?")  Once again, enough already...

Last night was a particularly sleepless night.  I was wrestling with all my fears, worries, anxieties about my situation and a niggling concern about giant spiders sharing my pillow (this is not unfounded; less than a month ago a humungous ugly spider was sitting right on my pillowcase, waiting for me when I pulled down the covers to climb into bed.  To my credit, I scooped him up in a glass with a card, carried him a long ways down the block away from my house and told him to tell his buddies never to darken my bed again, thus, earning "spider karma" which should prevent any of his/her kind biting me.  Okay, that part might be unfounded).  

I digress (not enough sleep).  In my restive state (which doesn't mean well rested, although it looks like it should), I called upon my Higher Being and Council of Elders that reside in my sub-conscious and asked how I should be handling this current state of affairs (no job, no money... well, not exactly, but close enough) and received some interesting insights:

     1)  In my declared statement of who I am (I will save the details of this for another post), I have said that I "call forth the integrity".  Integrity as defined by some on-line dictionary (thank you again, my friends at Google) as the state of being, whole, entire or undiminished.  That state of undiminished has not been my state of residence this month.  I have felt distinctly diminished and according to the the Wise Ones, "get over it"!
     2)  I don't need to be the counter effect for the bad stuff in the world - or for the people who talk about how crappy it is all the time.  Not my job.  Wisdom of the Circle - "Stop resisting the way other people are - that is their stuff.  If you spend all your energy trying to balance that in the world, you have none left for your own forward momentum."
     3)  The tide will turn today (mostly because that makes a lovely alliteration - "the tide will turn on Friday" has not nearly such an uplifting lilt).  Today, the opportunities will present themselves and if this is not immediately apparent it is because I am not "trusting the Universe". 
     4)  I have spent the majority of my life presuming that there are other people, "those" people, who have the luck, auspicious birthright, financial advantage, smarts or guts to be the winners of the world (cue Steely Dan - "I want a name when I lose...") and I am not in that group of the chosen folk.  Last night I wondered what it would be like if I was.  What if I truly was living this miraculous life that I have spoken of and here is the evidence.  (I am sitting in front of my little laptop, linked to the internet by a wireless connection, gazing out the window at the sun on the house next door, food in the fridge, money in the bank {albeit not a whole bunch} and the time and opportunity to pause and consider what is next in this curious life).  How would I view my life if I really considered that I was one of the fortunate ones?  (shifted my world just a smidgen).
     5)  I prefer not to spend my night discussing the state of the Universe with the Elders but once in a while can find the value in it.

This morning, although I notice a certain fatigue, I am in a different state of mind (perhaps province of intention is more accurate).  I have not yet gained mastery in this new environment of wisdom but there is a lightness of being today.  

My faith is back.

Passages, changes, motion...

How did this month slip by so unnoticed? It was full of people and visits, barbecues and summer walks. There was time in gardens and on lawns, decks and patios. There was chasing and being chased by a delightfully active crawling creature who continues to capture more of my heart. There was wine and fabulous home cooked meals. The time was appreciated if not remarked upon! Summer... ahhhh....

This week as we move into the last week of August, the sense of the season shifting is all around me. This is the time when I find I have to manage my expectations, practice letting go of another summer and welcoming the changes coming this fall.

The wheel is turning again and this fall I will be creating and engineering my own future, my own business, my own connections without the safety net of a regular paycheque. It is not that I haven't considered the option of being employed, it is that only one of my applications for paid positions resulted in an interview, much less a job offer. Oh, except that nice man from craigslist who offered not only to hire me without as much as a phone interview but send me a laptop, printer and "electric keyboard" (?!). Let's just say, I took that one with a grain of salt and deleted my address from my website, in case he was also the stalking kind of weirdo.

This week I was relishing my freedom from the 9 to 5 and had come to a place of real determination to keep the momentum going to have all the pieces fall into place to have sufficient paying work one month, two months and eventually 3 months in advance. I declared that I will continue to live a miraculous life with all the marvelous aspects of my days enhanced and enjoyed. I will keep finding the nice contact, next contract, next little piece of paid project work. I will keep on collaborating with colleagues whose ideas and thoughts intrigue and enliven me. I will be able to see the difference I am making and receive referrals and more opportunities to share what I do.

"Declare and fulfill" - this may be the mantra for this next piece of my life. This absolutely requires the continued practice of Trusting the Universe, but it has more activity involved. I face this time with tremendous certainty about being on the right path, at the right time and having the right people show up when needed.

Oh, and there are lots of backyard barbecues, bottles of wine and walks to the beach left to have before I am willing to admit that it is fall!

photo credit to Steadyjohn

Musings from weeding an overgrown garden

Appreciating that there are no coincidences and the symmetry of the Universe is precise and perfect, it was no accident that I sat in a wildly overgrown garden, filled with thistles and weeds, looking for the tender, little carrots and beets that had been planted and neglected weeks ago. As I unconcealed the tender little shoots that would have been thriving vegetables had they been tended; each tough, old, prickly thistle that I ripped out was a victory.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have no ability to be aware of the cosmic metaphor when I am in it. When I was weeding in the dirt, I was weeding in the dirt (props to Dewitt Jones, Celebrating What is Right in the World). But at some point in the amazingly restful sleep my tired body needed, this came to me and I wondered where I need to "weed my garden"?! I am not going to get all sermon-y on you here as I have milked this metaphor sufficiently (milk-thistle - get it?! Sorry...), but in the time of change that I am in, I will take advantage of every insight I can gain.

For me, the most critical aspect of moving ahead when I am literally designing my life as I am living it, is to hold the possibility of a spectacularly successful outcome that I can look back on in a year or two and say "Yes!! That all worked out so well!". I am balancing that with the practical, looking for ways to take care of what is necessary this week, next week, next month so that I have sufficient means to continue and avoid a financially critical circumstance. Been there, done that - thank you. I have no need to replay that experience to get the lesson!

Each time I sit in the dirt, weeding a garden - and, I just realized, for the first time in eons, I have had that opportunity in numerous gardens this summer - I am present to the wonderful simplicity of working with growing things. This seems the right place, to sing with John Denver, okay, everyone: "inch by inch, row by row"...

Oh, you are still reading?! I wondered if the segue to the Muppets might have been a little too much. But seriously, what I am left with is my desire to just putter in my garden, play for hours with my magical grandson and have amazing and life altering conversations. My interest in working really hard to get ahead to some undescribed destination is very limited. I want enough money to take care of myself and my loved ones but I have discovered that my needs are quite simple.

This allows for some freedom from the fear that grips me some days. Having stepped out onto the entrepreneurial edge a decade ago and falling right off into the abyss of bankruptcy (yes, it felt like that), I acknowledge my unsettledness in once again being solely responsible for my own income. I am keenly aware of the language that I use in describing this, knowing the power of my words. I am speaking of succeeding and ease and satisfyingly financial compensation for my efforts.

And I have had ten years to hone my abilities to accept and appreciate what is so. To be creative and imaginative in exploring opportunities. To be confident and bold in what I now provide in the world. To be declarative and intentional in my efforts. To ask for and accept the assistance I need. To collaborate and share the success and the work it takes to get there.

Ten years ago, I was sure I didn't have the time and I sure didn't have the interest in what it took to grow a garden filled with beautiful and nourishing plants. Now, I can't imagine any better place to hang out than among the bugs and soil!

out of the satisfied daze...

Seems that there was something very satisfying in arriving here and just being in a city that is so familiar and beloved. My time was happily spent being near family and friends, exploring a new, yet old neighbourhood, walking streets that I used to walk 30 years ago when I lived nearby. I was happy just being here.

One must not become complacent seems to be the lesson as circumstances are shifting again and new challenges await. I awoke this morning, consciously holding the details of a dream where I had arrived into a position where I no longer had to worry about money. That my years of lists of expenses and income were a thing of the past and I could just relax and work and play without worry. I wanted to hang on to that sense of confidence and knowledge of having created the situation that I had been seeking for so long.

I determined a little while back that the measure of reaching that milestone would be I would no longer have those carefully scribed post-it notes of figures in backs of notebooks, with either plus or minus signs to indicate whether I was winning or losing the game. I have done this since I can remember and with a few times of respite when the numbers seem to take care of themselves (or my earnings were more than sufficient to cover the costs), this has been a monthly ritual.

What becomes clear as I write this is the sacred importance I have placed on this ritual. It is no wonder that not much has actually shifted from this circumstance over the years given how faithful to this practice I have been.

Without the time to actually consider what else, I will not jump too quickly to another way of managing the money but in this clarity, I can see how I have not served my intention of abundance with a bi-weekly accounting of scarcity.

More thoughts to ponder - a new ritual to invent...

Landing with grace

This week the tide turned. I could actually look around my suite and say "Yes, I am home!" I have had exquisite moments this past two weeks of pure pleasure at being back in the city that I adopted as my own when I was 18. The routes are familiar, the sights are welcome, the ocean smells marvelous and everywhere I go there is a good possibility of running into someone I know. I just love being here.

I have contemplated how different it is for me coming back to this city after almost 6 years. I have heard from many people how difficult it is to get "in" to the circles of influence here or even just find a friendly group of people to hang out with. I experienced something similar when I first arrived 35 years ago and only ever ventured out in my own little groups over that time. This time, as I consider where and what my business opportunities will be, I realized that I come back into this city with a bigger sense of myself than ever before. I no longer feel intimidated by the layers of wealth and influence that coat the social scenes here. I feel confident in the gifts and talents that I bring and welcome the chance to let others know about them.

I have a calm sense of ease here. I appreciate that there is good work being accomplished by dedicated people and I am ready to add my energy to those efforts. I am delighted to be able to offer my thoughts and listening abilities to the people I love here. I am absolutely tickled with the opportunities to drop in, pop over and check with the ones I love!

I am optimistic about the success of my business as a coach, working from this place. I really like that I have a room of my own which is my office and will be my refuge as I continue to create it and decorate it and set it up for just me.

I truly appreciate my cozy little space, not perfect, but everything has found a place, mostly! There is a range of wildlife that is not entirely welcome, from fleas to a rat that has been sighted several times in our front yard. We will deal with them as much as possible.

Over this summer, I will reaquaint myself with old connections and actively build new ones. I will consciously create a group of active, interested, like minded compadres. By the fall, I have declared I will be experiencing financial well-being and more business than I need, projects that sustain that and fascinate me to be working on.

I am extremely happy to be here!!

photo credit to Ngawangchodron

Moving on, with thanks...

I am pausing in between packing boxes and organizing moving to give thanks for the time spent in my 'borrowed' home. As a typical human being, I developed a fascinating appreciation for where I am living only after arranging to move to somewhere else. This past week, I have been noting all the beautiful and wonderful aspects of this sunny piece of Maple Bay (well, that is a little Pollyanna of me - it has been raining buckets all week long...).

1) The fresh, almost edible, bright green growth on all the pine trees around me. The new ends of the branches are so soft and tender, as they push out into the little bits of sun.
2) The rain and cool spring weather has nurtured a fabulous batch of wild roses. I picked a tight little pink rosebud on my walk a couple of days ago and it greeted me this morning, fully spread out and gloriously fragrant.
3) The birds - there are so many friendly, curious birds around this house. The hummingbirds have been faithful companions all winter long at the feeder and the robins have been absolutely mad with their cheerful song at dawn and dusk. The crows have been playful and the ravens loud and cocky in their swoops past the house. There was a pair of majestic eagles and a whole flock of turkey vultures riding the thermals off the Bay.
4) Our walks which take us up and around the 'mountain' - past green and verdant farmers' fields and clearly meticulously managed little homes. We have watched the seasons pass as we walk along - from munching on the generous crop of blackberries last fall to urging the little green leaves to bust out this spring. The view of the Bay is always envigorating - the ocean giving us a show over and over again in the movement of the tide incoming or heading out.
5) The opportunity to work from a lovely home office. I have come to treasure my "commute" down the hall in my slippers. I love working from home. This house has served us well as a landing spot on Vancouver Island and a launching for the next phase of life.
6) Shifting my focus from business operations to coaching - this has been a time of accelerated growth and learning, facilitated by my boss/colleague/friend. She pushed me from the nest just as I was getting a little too comfortable and now it is time to fly. The year ahead stretches out with amazing possibility that was not on the horizon from our place in North Vancouver.
7) This strange house - it has such a fascinating history - mostly weird - somewhat of a legend in the neighbourhood. It now has changed hands again and will have new people and energy upstairs. It is my wish that the spirit that resides will find peace with the new residents too.

This has been the perfect time, being here. I have enjoyed the large, open space and sharing it with many people. We have had great parties and family gatherings, a memorable Christmas in the snow and a fabulous 60th birthday party for my beloved. We've watched the weather spread across the Bay and had the chance to swim in the usually freezing Pacific Ocean here on several hot, hot summer nights.

I have found that I would like to move back to this small and friendly community in the Valley. I would like to plant my roots here where the summers are hotter and winds calmer than elsewhere on the island. There is abundant water and still lots of room to spread out. This would be a fantastic place to call home again in a few years.

I am ready to move on and will have fond and warm memories of my time here.

Upon the occasion of the anniversary of the birth of my daughter

27 years ago, right about now, I was blissing out in the sun streaming through the window of the birthing room at the 'new' VGH, with this perfect, little pink bundle in my arms, nursing contentedly. My daughter was born at 7:17 am on May 20th, arriving quickly after keeping us all waiting for 3 weeks past the due date. She was the first granddaughter born into a family of 10 grandsons and was showered with all the pink and fluffy, frilly things that everyone had been waiting to give a baby. Her grandfather came to visit her in the hospital and when I said "let's go see her", stopped in his tracks with the marvel at having a granddaughter.

She grew up around a lot of boys, followed her beloved big brother around in adoration. She spent lots of time with her father, who thought she could do anything and she learned to be fearless on cliffs, rocks and logs around the ocean. She grew up in a housing co-op with many loving adults and enough "other-mothers" to show her many ways to be a woman. She challenged me with her independence at an early age and knew who I was long before I was brave enough to acknowledge my own knowingness.

She traversed her inner world like her outer world, with the spirit of an explorer in her teens. She called out her teachers and her peers when they fell short and developed ferocious loving friendships and relationships. We learned to accept and appreciate each other during those stormy teenage years, when the turbulent times were affecting us both. She moved in with the man who is now her husband just before she finished high school and I packed her up with my blessing and celebrated her moving powerfully into her life.

She has nurtured that romance into a strong, solid marriage with a man who loves her immeasurably. They exchanged vows in a wedding ceremony that brought together 130 people in their community, joining families and friends into their inviting circle. My daughter became a mother last year, blessing me with a miraculous grandson, who she shares with me so openly. She has created a home which is a welcome place for everyone, it is often full and lively. She is growing a beautiful garden and is often happiest with her hands in the dirt. Her son is treasured by many people and will grow up in this community that she continues to build. She knows that she has work to do on this planet and that it is not always easy to be the one to show others their strength and possibility, but like everywhere else in her life, she tackles it with determination and bravery.

She has taught me more about who I am than I can fathom. She trusts that I have answers when I feel like I haven't a clue. She knows before the phone rings that I am calling her and is connected to me so deeply it feels like the umbilical cord was never cut, 27 years ago.

Happy birthday to my darling daughter - I am so glad you are in my life!

image credit to mmmcraft