Friday, March 26, 2010

the power of ferocity

I am known as a kind person, a gentle person, one who cooperates and easily concedes. I have cultivated some of this persona as a function of fitting in where I felt small and inconsequential. People aren't usually mean to nice people and therefore I ensured a measure of security in many circumstances where I was downright afraid.

This morning, in a moment of searing heat that I first put down to another one of those inconvenient flashes, I realized that I am actually mad. That's right; angry, outraged, fuming, ferocious!

There is plenty in this world to be incensed about, but this is personal. I actually realized that I am being taken advantage of in a circumstance where I was yielding and giving ground. Not the first time, I am sure, given my modus operandi, but this time, I have noticed and I am sufficiently annoyed to risk my situation by saying so.

That is exactly why I have not spoken up right there - I don't want to risk anything that might cause me to be expelled from the group/friendship/job/relationship. I am certain that I have known this about myself before as well, but once again there is a crystal clarity to my thoughts today and risking is the right direction to be taking, without a doubt.

Here's the challenge: how to maintain this ferocity? What would keep it burning so that it provides the impetus to take action? Not just in this moment but to shift to allow this energy, this power to propel me. I would say, practice. Just as I crafted a winning formula over years of experience of being the little one who was about to be left out, showing up as one with a certain fury will take some trial and error.

But today? I will allow the force of this indignation to move me. The path of my desired future has been coming clearer and clearer and I just figured out what the momentum will be!

photo credit to Kuby

Saturday, March 20, 2010

time keeps on slippin', slippin' slippin....

A whole week, no, more than a week has gone by and despite my grand intention to be more regular in my blogging, life has gotten in the way.

This has been a good week, punctuated by walks and yoga and regular, every day routine. Appreciating and celebrating the ordinary has been very prevalent. This second week at home, after the most satisfactory vacation, has me settled nicely into enjoying spring and being at work with renewed enthusiasm. The holiday has faded into some delightful memories and the flakes of my tan littering the inside of my socks. There is a degree of contentment.

The down side (if there is one) to a contented week, is that it has slid away very quickly - is it possible to be present and unconscious at the same time? I found myself several times suddenly aware that I was holding my breath - and quickly whooshed out the stale air and inhaled intentionally. While I love being a grandmother, there is no denying which side of the long life slope I am on, so I am relishing experiences and treasuring instances of laughter and delight.

I have been aware of other people's tragedies this week - losses of friends, parents, pets and as always, the state of the world looks challenging and daunting, but even with that awareness, I feel light and determined to be creating magic. Perhaps some of my thaumaturgy could be in freezing the moment and finding a way to hold on to it for just a little longer.

Image credit to Temari09

Friday, March 12, 2010

a very human work week

Today was the first Friday of the rest of my life. Today, I got to pick my hours, go where I wanted to go, enjoy conversations with people in my community, chat with my daughter about her sleepless night with my adorable but cranky grandson and drink a glass of wine before 5pm just because I said so. Kind of like a flex-day, but on my terms. Today, any work that was done was for me to benefit from and indirectly for the "group" that I work for to profit from. It feels like I have finally grown up!

I am in the midst of creating my life (oh wait, I think that is what I have always been doing, just more consciously now) and I like the idea of a four day work week. At least, working in the standard, punch-the-clock kind of standard that is held by most of the 'civilized' world. I know that Europe is light years ahead of us with benefits, healthcare, childcare and vacations but I have now taken a stand for a more reasonable schedule. It isn't exactly a 3 day weekend as I do need to generate income on this day, but it really feels like it is mine to do. A shift in perspective.

Having just come back from Mexico (did I tell you how amazing it was to be on vacation? Oh yes, I did!), where one of my new dear friend's (actually a new hermana) daughter (does that make her my niece? how cool...) works for $5/day - that is right, folks, FIVE DOLLARS A DAY - helloooo, third world or what?? Now she is an incredibly intelligent, well spoken, charming young woman who is worth so much more but that is what she is being paid to show up in the telemarketing company that clearly takes advantage of her. So, again I get to observe a different perspective and thank Zeus for the graces of my life.

I have requested of the Universe the means to uplift a whole bunch of people in my life (don't you love my use of the English language?!) and I am awaiting the windfall (oh, and working my little butt off in the meanwhile, just in case the Universe is busy with other requests) that will allow me to make a BIG difference in the lives of my loved ones. This is a big circle and it needs to be a big windfall so that I can share it (Got it, Universe?!).

So, for now I will focus on next week and next month and the difference I can make. I am so blessed and so grateful for what I have. This is a good day!!

Monday, March 8, 2010

back in the saddle again

I have new appreciation for Extranjera and the sabbatical from blog writing that took her away from us back into the "Real World" for a time. I, myself, have been anticipating, preparing for, working towards, relishing and enjoying a much appreciated holiday. Oh yes, a vacation, time off, a chance for a break - sunshine and no schedule. It was heavenly!

I intentionally avoided bringing a laptop, a cell phone, even a wrist watch to keep my time away as pure and relaxing as possible. I experienced the most marvelous down time I have had in the past decade. Magical...

Now, back at my desk, familiar vista out the window (although there was some weird flaky white stuff falling from the sky for a while today - what the __??), I have a new perspective and feel very ready for the year ahead. Exactly what a holiday is supposed to accomplish. Rested and renewed, I am back and raring to go.

I remembered why we fell in love with Playa del Carmen, Quintana Roo, Mexico. Friends we made there over 10 years ago still welcomed us, the climate is divine and I truly love the heart and soul of the Mexican people. I am far more realistic about what it would be like to live there full time and actually just want to create the possibility of spending an extended period each winter there. And now, I have the tools to work on that option.

So, this next couple of months, I will be looking ahead with some goals and intentions that are slightly different than a while ago. If change is in the wind, which seems very apparent this year, then I want to be saying which direction!

Did I mention how wonderful it was to be on holidays??