Sunday, July 25, 2010

Musings from weeding an overgrown garden

Appreciating that there are no coincidences and the symmetry of the Universe is precise and perfect, it was no accident that I sat in a wildly overgrown garden, filled with thistles and weeds, looking for the tender, little carrots and beets that had been planted and neglected weeks ago. As I unconcealed the tender little shoots that would have been thriving vegetables had they been tended; each tough, old, prickly thistle that I ripped out was a victory.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have no ability to be aware of the cosmic metaphor when I am in it. When I was weeding in the dirt, I was weeding in the dirt (props to Dewitt Jones, Celebrating What is Right in the World). But at some point in the amazingly restful sleep my tired body needed, this came to me and I wondered where I need to "weed my garden"?! I am not going to get all sermon-y on you here as I have milked this metaphor sufficiently (milk-thistle - get it?! Sorry...), but in the time of change that I am in, I will take advantage of every insight I can gain.

For me, the most critical aspect of moving ahead when I am literally designing my life as I am living it, is to hold the possibility of a spectacularly successful outcome that I can look back on in a year or two and say "Yes!! That all worked out so well!". I am balancing that with the practical, looking for ways to take care of what is necessary this week, next week, next month so that I have sufficient means to continue and avoid a financially critical circumstance. Been there, done that - thank you. I have no need to replay that experience to get the lesson!

Each time I sit in the dirt, weeding a garden - and, I just realized, for the first time in eons, I have had that opportunity in numerous gardens this summer - I am present to the wonderful simplicity of working with growing things. This seems the right place, to sing with John Denver, okay, everyone: "inch by inch, row by row"...

Oh, you are still reading?! I wondered if the segue to the Muppets might have been a little too much. But seriously, what I am left with is my desire to just putter in my garden, play for hours with my magical grandson and have amazing and life altering conversations. My interest in working really hard to get ahead to some undescribed destination is very limited. I want enough money to take care of myself and my loved ones but I have discovered that my needs are quite simple.

This allows for some freedom from the fear that grips me some days. Having stepped out onto the entrepreneurial edge a decade ago and falling right off into the abyss of bankruptcy (yes, it felt like that), I acknowledge my unsettledness in once again being solely responsible for my own income. I am keenly aware of the language that I use in describing this, knowing the power of my words. I am speaking of succeeding and ease and satisfyingly financial compensation for my efforts.

And I have had ten years to hone my abilities to accept and appreciate what is so. To be creative and imaginative in exploring opportunities. To be confident and bold in what I now provide in the world. To be declarative and intentional in my efforts. To ask for and accept the assistance I need. To collaborate and share the success and the work it takes to get there.

Ten years ago, I was sure I didn't have the time and I sure didn't have the interest in what it took to grow a garden filled with beautiful and nourishing plants. Now, I can't imagine any better place to hang out than among the bugs and soil!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

out of the satisfied daze...

Seems that there was something very satisfying in arriving here and just being in a city that is so familiar and beloved. My time was happily spent being near family and friends, exploring a new, yet old neighbourhood, walking streets that I used to walk 30 years ago when I lived nearby. I was happy just being here.

One must not become complacent seems to be the lesson as circumstances are shifting again and new challenges await. I awoke this morning, consciously holding the details of a dream where I had arrived into a position where I no longer had to worry about money. That my years of lists of expenses and income were a thing of the past and I could just relax and work and play without worry. I wanted to hang on to that sense of confidence and knowledge of having created the situation that I had been seeking for so long.

I determined a little while back that the measure of reaching that milestone would be I would no longer have those carefully scribed post-it notes of figures in backs of notebooks, with either plus or minus signs to indicate whether I was winning or losing the game. I have done this since I can remember and with a few times of respite when the numbers seem to take care of themselves (or my earnings were more than sufficient to cover the costs), this has been a monthly ritual.

What becomes clear as I write this is the sacred importance I have placed on this ritual. It is no wonder that not much has actually shifted from this circumstance over the years given how faithful to this practice I have been.

Without the time to actually consider what else, I will not jump too quickly to another way of managing the money but in this clarity, I can see how I have not served my intention of abundance with a bi-weekly accounting of scarcity.

More thoughts to ponder - a new ritual to invent...