Ch-ch-ch-changes...

I already suspect that 2010 is going to go down in the history of my life as a year of changes. I think I need my friend Janyne to do my numerology for this year - I am sure it would show up as "change" year, whatever number that is. This all provides marvelous material for pondering and therefore blogging, as discomfort is often the trigger for putting fingers to keys to express, expel and exorcise the demons of worry.

So, knowing that change is the constant in the universe, why is it that I am constantly caught by surprise when I am faced with it? We just got sorted out with the 'borrowed' house, getting a six month reprieve in having to move, I thought that we might have a little bit of calm for a time. Not so much, it seems. Next is an upheaval in the status quo of the work situation, the result of a planning session that, as far as I am concerned, went seriously sideways. Well, at least not in the direction that I expected. Which is the background issue here - expectations; some spoken, some assumed but all that had left me with an apparently misguided sense of stability.

Now the sky has not fallen. I am blessed with a circumstance where dialogue is still going on and resolutions satisfactory to everyone is the commitment. It isn't that I doubt my ability to land on my feet, I have proven that many times over the past 10 years and the various iterations of my professional life, but this winter I have noticed that I am a little tired. This could be simply coming down the home stretch towards a much anticipated holiday (which I am very glad that I booked before all this disruption) but my energy for pushing outcomes is limited.

Which leads back to that trusting thing - (are ALL my conversations circular ones?!) and the Universe clearly is challenging me to do so. So, tonight, warm and ensconced in my upstairs home, with the fireplace glowing, oysters in the fridge, bubbly wine chilling (any excuse for sparkling wine is acceptable - even uninvited variations on the agreed upon agenda) and my dear and patient husband who has agreed to stay with me no matter where we end up, my life is pretty awesome. And change is in the wind... stay tuned!

photo credit to Pere Soler

What if?

A while ago I wrote a blog on Indulgence with a wonderful list of "what if's" that make me smile. Today, I am meditating, considering, pondering the possibility of trusting the Universe. That phrase, "trust the _______ (insert here your theological, philosophical meta-figure of choice)" does certainly get overused. I mean, who really does that? Who actually trusts that the design of life is intended to be trusted? That we can relax and enjoy and be happy, confident in the knowing-ness that it will all work out?! Nobody I know... except maybe the Dalai Lama and I would not presume to say the I know him.

Given the continuous disruption in the force ("ahh, Luke, don't go to the dark side") which we are constantly reminded of by CNN, NBC and FOX, it would be ludicrous to pretend we are not aware of the miserable state of affairs this world is in. And I never wish to diminish the horrific experience that many of my fellow global citizens live through daily. No, I am very present to the blessings of my life and actively express my appreciation.

I am contemplating the concept of trust and the implications of that. Philosophically, I believe that trust is something that is given, like a gift, for no reason. That "earning" trust is a fallacy as there is no conceivable way that you can ever prove to someone that you are trustworthy unless they are willing to grant you that status. The trusting is always, always done by you and you get to choose when and with whom you participate in this activity. So, I get to say whether or not I trust the Universe (or Zeus or my husband or my mother or my prime minister or the guy that fixed my fireplace).

Ok-a-a-a-a-a-y, (I am working my way through this, hang in there with me...) if that is so, then why do I have such a challenge with trusting that this is all perfect? Rationally, my experience of life is quite magical. I count my blessings and marvel over the way that it works out favourably. There is another level of expression of trust that I am just beginning to make out on the horizon. The shape of it is becoming clear. It requires that leap of faith, which has been attributed to Soren Kierkegaard, which interestingly, he actually referred to as a leap to faith.

Levels of awareness and consciousness - this really is a continuum, isn't it? When I bring my attention to learning, stretching and grappling with new concepts, I step into a new world. I invite you to trust with me today!

photo credit - Marc Jenkins and the subject is my amazing son

Blessings with velocity

I have been very faithful to my GiST blog with 5 graces shared and communicated almost every day and I am truly thankful for the forum which has me focus on being grateful. It has been scientifically proven (no, really, I just have to find the data to footnote) that expressing gratitude has beneficial effects. You have to admit we find it much more common to complain and that is the society norm. This shift to appreciating life's graces just takes a little practice.

It is impossible not to be appreciative of my life when I think of the tragedy that continues to unfold in Haiti. I simply cannot fathom the sheer desperation and frantic exhaustion that must be overwhelming the people there. And of course, tragedies big and small befall good people every day. Puts that whole notion of faith in a different light, doesn't it? Mostly what I become aware of is how much drama I stir up in my own blessed life and how little it serves me when I peek at the bigger picture.

It is challenging to hold a world view that exposes the ugly and dispair reality that exists in so many places. Juggling knowledge of the circumstances the majority of the world wakes up to each day and my own commitment to generative forward motion often has me feel naive and somehow unaware. Yet, my philosophies don't have me avoiding or turning away from what is going on, I just have to measure and pace my exposure in order to remain balanced. Understanding myself is key to this and noticing when I am full up with one aspect of the world.

Comes down to coaching myself, nurturing my own ability to be compassionate and healthy with me. Finding ways to soothe my soul so that I can turn again into the intensity and be of service.

And back to that counting blessings exercise... I have many and I do not take them for granted!

Photo credit to: Saucy Salad

just plain confused or the State of Limbo

Having found out that I am not moving imminently - meaning not in 3 weeks, I am feeling more and strangely, less settled. I guess I had wrapped my head around the moving idea and even though I was less than thrilled with the timing, I was ready to find a new home and get on with the next phase. So, now we are back in limbo, the 'for sale' sign still stuck in the front yard and there was even a scheduled viewing of the house by more prospective buyers (which, fortunately, got cancelled so I could putter about my kitchen without being banished by the sales agent).

Limbo - (Latin limbus, edge or boundary, referring to the "edge" of Hell) is clearly intended to be an uncomfortable place. Nobody gets all cozy and snuggled up in Limbo. One would not likely vote for staying in Limbo for very long. Limbo, as a destination, would not rate very many stars. And Limbo is where I live, which explains my various states of anxiety and distress.

Since I have resolved to embrace Wonder in my Life during the year 2010, this requires joyously taking on all aspects of said Life. Therefore, I need to get sorted out with this Limbo-thing. Which probably requires some conversations with my boss/colleague/friend to clarify the house sale situation. Then, I can figure out exactly what steps I want to take this year to be where I want to be, not just where I am currently perched. I have received coaching from several people that I admire to be deeply and consciously considering this next step and to have the choice come from a place of following my heart not being convenient.

So, moving out of Limbo is the intention for the first part of this new year. Destination to be determined... stay tuned!

Managing life

That has always been my approach - to "manage" my life. A quick visit to my favourite English language site - Wordsmyth netted the following definitions:

1. to direct, control, or administer.

2. to contrive or bring about.

3. to accomplish or succeed in, usu. despite some difficulty.

Hmm, not much creative or exciting about that style of living one's life, is there? Scarce wonder that running that playbook for the last umpteen years has had my life look like veering from one struggle to the next, narrowly avoiding crises and disasters and with very little sense of fun or accomplishment. (Okay, I may be exercising my right to hyperbole as my life has not been all that bleak, as you may have gathered from reading my other posts.) However, it does allow for me to consider that another strategy for being a fully expressed, wondrous marvel of a human being is timely and not a bloody minute too soon!

So, in the realm of resolutions, a procrastinator like myself (yes, that is another one of my charming attributes), I have come to see that a very simple statement of resolve for the new year and decade might be: I embrace the experience and wonder of being alive!

The last week has opened my eyes in any number of realms. I have been reminded of Helen Keller's quote on Security: "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure." I have noticed my expectations of the world around me and I have uncovered my core belief that there are choices in this world and the ones I make DO impact my immediate circle and beyond that, ripple out in ways that reach so far that I cannot imagine or predict.

It took me more than a week to cogitate and ruminate over the events affecting my 'borrowed' house and the manner in which the changes are coming about. I needed to allow the drama to fall away and the emotions to scale back to see with clarity what was at stake for me. Seeing the actions and reactions of the people involved, I allow my ability to be compassionate and also bring my own sense of responsibility to the situation. What is there for me to say to express my thoughts and feelings and how can I affect the outcome in a progressive and generative manner?

I am also left with the power of intention - focusing on what is possible and pushing energetically for a result. Now, if I could just intention away about 15 lbs and create more time and energy during the day...

credit for the photo to imoongypsy

and now for something completely different...

Well, 2010 is beginning with all the uncertainty and disruption I have come to expect in January. A quick tally of Januarys in the past decade found:
- we moved 5 times in January in the past 10 years
- I began new jobs/ventures in January 5 times in the past 10 years
- My husband & I began the new year by moving away from each other 3 times in January in the past 10 years.

And, in the glorious clarity of hindsight, these have become pretty funny stories. They were not experienced as such in the moment. You would think that I would be getting used to this. Triumphantly, I can say that I have not completed freaked out as the spectre of finding a home, packing boxes and moving my life this month has come to pass once again!

However, I am once again reminded of this primal need to find a home, not just another place to park the boxes for a while. And this time it is pretty short notice, with the determination of timing out of my hands due to the circumstance that are beyond my control. This makes the relative calm that I feel even more of a victory.

(Now, my husband who has been witness to the tears, gnashing of teeth, wringing of hands and fluent cursing language might not have labelled me sane, much less calm, this past week...)

But, there remains a foundation of optimism, of faith that it will work out. One gift the review of the past decade that I engaged in this week has provided is resolve that I do know how to land on my feet and be open to change. For the most part all of the disruptions concluded happily and progress was made. I have every reason to assume that this one will too!

I have a clear list for my new home - this is what I want:
: Sunny
: GREAT kitchen to work in - accessible for people and sharing space
: Garden space (could be pots on the deck, but I need to grow stuff this spring)
: Walking distance to downtown
: 2 bedrooms (so that I have an office space to write off / guest room for friends/family)
: Landlord who is friendly and available
: Good fridge/stove/dishwasher (if possible)/washer/dryer
: GREAT neighbours
: Warm in the winter
: Covered parking for my little red car
: Walkable neighbourhood
: Possibility of having a cat
: Within the budget!

I put this list out for the Universe to provide for me - I will search and explore and request. I understand that my actions will pave the way for the manifesting of miracles - please, let my home show up this week!!

Oh yes, and Universe? Let's change this January disruption to maybe, May?! Thanks!

Always look on the bright side of life!