Maybe I don't know who I am

During the night, when I often ask for insight and wisdom from the guides and inner council of my dreams, I had the thought that I may not know myself very well. My recollection of my life, like many others I am sure, is a series of memories mostly of the major screw-ups, missed opportunities and incidents that I would dearly love to "do over". The act of remembering some of those times still causes me to squirm and experience the emotions of shame and upset all over again. Not particularly useful, you would agree. Past is passed, right? Well, in principle, but I know I still get a negative charge from thinking about those less-than-stellar moments.

A glimmer of possibility did light up the night last night. What if all those times in my life were the result of ignoring my instincts about a circumstance? What if the degree to which I f*%ked up was directly proportional to my resistance about letting go and moving on?! Is it conceivable that I create the situations that force me to face my demons because I refuse to get the gentle nudges and subtle hints that I am not operating at my highest level (or even much above the earthworm)?? That perspective rocked me and brought me awake from the drowsy state I was in. Immediately, I denied it. That would somehow justify every mistake I have ever made and somehow that would make me an even worse person than the one that just screwed it up. But as I sit with this, in the light of day, I can see that it might just be another cut at Trusting the Universe (Carol's declared theme for this decade). (theme song to be announced...)

We know, if we tune in to our inner knowing, how to read any circumstance (I say this like I actually do KNOW this, which I am not at all certain about but will suspend that not helpful judgement for a moment and invite you to do the same...) and mostly in hindsight we can observe where we might have stepped over or turned away from the messages which could have directed us. So, if we (really, the royal "we" since I cannot speak for the collective "you") consider that our worst errors in judgement, our most shameful moments, the terrible and never spoken about actions are just the determined and somewhat desperate attempts of our internal knowingness to get our asses into action and out of the situations we are in, then how does that affect our relation to the past? Shifts it fundamentally, yes?! And what does that open up? Well, I can tell you from over here in the land of Trolls (my usual version of my self-image), a door is creaking open and I am feeling just a little lighter in my fuzzy slippers.

Now, this as yet unexplored postulation does come with certain responsibility (oh yes, this, my friends, is my other life lesson - how to be responsible for me - all of me). For having determined that listening to my little voice before it is shouting in my ear would be advantageous in avoiding crises, I now have to learn to rely on and take actions based on my gut, sometimes without a firm basis of reality or fact.

(oh cripes, now look what you have gotten us into, Ollie...) Ohhh, moment of panic - desire to hide under the covers - a nap or other diversion would be good right now...

Trust, faith, belief - these are not the known pillars of good judgement. But as I trundle down this road of self awareness and openness to being opposed to doing, I get clearer and clearer about what is required of me to grow up into who I already am. Taking the path of least resistance, always seeking the gentle and passive route, looking for quiet and non confrontational resolutions has my inner self, known as Ahara, letting me know that she will happily trip me up if I have to fall on my face again to get the lesson.

I work with a mirror on my desk. I use it in my coaching to be aware of my level of listening to my clients. I glance at it when I pick up the phone to be in communication or answer a call. I look for my shining eyes (if you haven't seen this video with Benjamin Zander, you really must take the time to watch - I highly recommend it!!) and now, I will be looking to see if I might be able to get to know that person in the mirror, for I truly have no idea who she is.

This is an uncomfortable place, my compadres - I am looking at the blogged-about changes from a different perspective and I don't know where it will lead me. I do, however, have a guide for the trip!

photo credit Per Ola Wiberg