I am known as a kind person, a gentle person, one who cooperates and easily concedes. I have cultivated some of this persona as a function of fitting in where I felt small and inconsequential. People aren't usually mean to nice people and therefore I ensured a measure of security in many circumstances where I was downright afraid.This morning, in a moment of searing heat that I first put down to another one of those inconvenient flashes, I realized that I am actually mad. That's right; angry, outraged, fuming, ferocious!
There is plenty in this world to be incensed about, but this is personal. I actually realized that I am being taken advantage of in a circumstance where I was yielding and giving ground. Not the first time, I am sure, given my modus operandi, but this time, I have noticed and I am sufficiently annoyed to risk my situation by saying so.
That is exactly why I have not spoken up right there - I don't want to risk anything that might cause me to be expelled from the group/friendship/job/relationship. I am certain that I have known this about myself before as well, but once again there is a crystal clarity to my thoughts today and risking is the right direction to be taking, without a doubt.
Here's the challenge: how to maintain this ferocity? What would keep it burning so that it provides the impetus to take action? Not just in this moment but to shift to allow this energy, this power to propel me. I would say, practice. Just as I crafted a winning formula over years of experience of being the little one who was about to be left out, showing up as one with a certain fury will take some trial and error.
But today? I will allow the force of this indignation to move me. The path of my desired future has been coming clearer and clearer and I just figured out what the momentum will be!
photo credit to Kuby
5 comments:
dear carol, by risking nothing, you risk alot... i remember once lamenting in a therapy session... "well i dont want to risk losing the relationship" or something like that, and she calmly reflected back to me " well more importantly , you dont want to risk losing the relationship with yourself'... and it all fell into place and priorities were clear in the blink of an eye, and i knew how to proceed... if i lose my relationship with myself i lose everything.
Good for you! It's great to be kind and flexible but not to the point where others take advantage of you. I have struggled with that issue myself for years and, like you, for many of them was silent because I didn't want to hurt relationships. But I'm learning now that am I really the person these other folks think they like anyway? And is it worth it to be liked because it's easy to get over on you? That's about where I'm at.
You have no idea how proud I am of YOU!! Anger is such a great motivator at times. Allow yourself to feel it as you deserve much more, and are obviously at a place where you are figuring out how to get it, and more importantly you DESERVE and have a RIGHT to it! I've been where you are at this very moment. It's a pivotal moment. I have learned 'it is none of my business what other people think of me'. I am simply learning to be my 'authentic' self and am becoming very comfortable with that. WAY TO GO CAROL! BTW ... love the photo in your new header. May I say ... you are one HOT CHICK!
Move. On. So good, ferocious woman.
Carol,
I'd say you've got a damned good plan. Go for it and with that fire and determination. Be as fierce and calculated with that desire in view and carpe diem! Love it!
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