Monday, April 26, 2010

Just too much...



My time this past few weeks has felt extremely full and busy and I noticed that I was avoiding writing about the process going on in my head. Now, some of that has to do with my new focus and discipline in how my time is spent but in fact, I have been really working my way through a considerable growth period and like one of my GiST'ers (Grace in Small Things), the words have not been there to share.

The time has come to pack my carefully saved boxes in the crawl space, clear out the numerous cupboards and take my slightly less than 2 years worth of memories and move on. Disruptive, to be sure, but not entirely unexpected -this has always been my "borrowed" home. The intended destination is a neighbourhood near my darling daughter and her happy household which includes my ultra-adorable grandson - all good! Except, I don't know where I am moving to yet and that is driving me buggy! I can't believe my level of anxiety without a forwarding address. Okay, managing this (breathe in and breathe out). We will find a place - we do have a contingency plan and my mom has said that I can move home, if I have to.

Then, as a result of many risky (for me anyway - catastrophic disaster seemed imminent) conversations with my boss/colleague/friend, I am taking on new directions in my own business as a coach and dropping to a part time role at a reduced rate of pay (uh oh, skyrocketing terror, certainty of failure, major unworthiness complex) and this timing coincides with the move - to nowhere...

You may understand my teensy bit of reluctance to share all this. Why would anyone in their right mind hire a coach who is a person who practices Appreciative Inquiry and Grace in Small Things and Positive Outcomes and yet can barely stay upright because she is holding her breath til she turns blue or passes out?! And without an income, how will I pay the rent (not to mention groceries, car payments, phone bills and absolutely necessary bottles of Pinot Noir)? Oh my...

Okay, now I have let out all my worst fears and I am apparently not dead. Or, you are reading a message from the "other side" and I will soon be relating to you stories of what it is really like. Sorry, no insights from the unknown yet.

I am sure this blog will be evidence of how the crises of life become a funny story with enough time to get the humour. I determined this week that I actually can rely on myself - I have made it through every ridiculous circumstance up until now and although my choices were not always the brightest ones and I did suffer through some very chaotic times, I am here, I am well and I am loved. What more could I possibly ask for? (well, perhaps the ideal 2 bedroom home for the right price and 5 more clients next month and for the Canucks to win the Stanley Cup...)

Stay tuned - I promise to keep you posted more faithfully on my progress!!

5 comments:

Donna, Doni, Lady D said...

Oh Carol! I can feel your angst. Do not be concerned. Healers are seldom able heal themselves. They have great insight into others, however they themselves still struggle like the rest of us. Perfectly acceptable, and perfectly normal. You are a great coach, because you too are a healer. Sending you love and light. One moment at a time. It WILL be OK! xx

LoLa said...

Never fear. All is well. I am this, too. This is impermanent...Accept Accept Accept!

philly5113 said...

Dear Carol,
You are brave, wise and wonderful. Your gift of intuition and openness makes you a great coach and giver. You are processing your situation as you would guide so indeed you are an exemplar of the work you do and it make you true and honest. Continue with boldness. This too shall pass.

caroldiane said...

Thank you so much! My biggest victory over this past year has been sharing my angst - just the act of letting it out in the open has it dissipate - your comments are so very welcome!

Heather said...

Hello! Thanks for commenting on my post in Grace in Small Things! I'm enjoying your blog! Love the photos.
Heather http://www.livewithflair.blogspot.com/